Restaurant Review: Buffalo Wild Wings

Anyone who knows Jason and I understands that we will never be called “foodies.” We love food, don’t get us wrong, but we’re definitely not part of the crowd that enjoys dining at a different restaurant every time. And we’re not the couple that goes to places to try unique, hard-to-find items such as herb-encrusted sea tentacles. In fact, we are the couple who frantically tries to find the “regular” bread at Panera, because what’s up with their fancy stuff anyway?

Our simplistic nature toward food is simple: 1) Jason has texture/taste issues with all fruits and vegetables (except for potatoes) and 2) I am part Norwegian.

You win this battle, Tuesday

I woke up this morning and as I was making the bed approximately 4.7 seconds later, I tugged mightily on the comforter, which was supporting 18 pounds of feline paperweight. Upon losing my grip on the comforter, my left thumb rammed spectacularly against the wooden headboard. The wooden headboard then returned the favor by pushing back on my thumbnail, in the opposite direction, so that I was immediately greeted by a giant pool of blood underneath my nail.

Then I forgot that today was “Everyone Who Owns a Vehicle Drive Into Downtown Minneapolis” Day and was nearly 30 minutes late to work, as I sat idling on the 4th Street Bridge for close to 27 minutes (Note: my entire commute is typically less than 9 minutes).

So ever since this morning, I have been homicidally trigger-happy and glaring slit-eyed at everyone and everything in my path. Not even my desk accessories are immune: (“Oh, what’s that, Mr. Stapler? You don’t feel like dispensing staples? How about after I pound you repeatedly against my desk? Feeling cooperative NOW?!?”)

***

In non-complainy news, I am a huge fan of the show “Heroes.” Man, I wish I could teleport. Although being the girl who never gets injured would be cool. I’d be a hit at parties: “Wanna see me and my stapler duel to the death?”

Nightmare on my street

I had a horrific nightmare last night that was so realistic I could describe in great detail the perfectly manicured mustache of the policeman named Bob who shined his flashlight into our basement window while searching for an intruder. The fear of being told, “There’s someone in your house…or your yard…we’re not sure – stay put!” was so realistic that Jason finally woke me up after I had screamed “No!” a few times at the top of my lungs.

That was kind of him, even though I completely fell back into the nightmare and found myself being shockingly startled by either the intruder or trigger-happy policemen as I wandered through various hallways and corners of the house.

When Jason’s alarm finally went off and shocked me awake for good, I was exhausted and adrenaline-twitchy. As he kissed me goodbye, he asked, “Were you having a nightmare earlier?”

“Yeah,” I murmured sleepily, eyes half shut. “I dreamt someone was in the house, but we didn’t know where.”

“Huh,” he said, as he left the bedroom on his way out. “That’s funny. When I woke up this morning, the basement light was on.

Then he skipped merrily away to work, while my eyes popped wide open and my bloodstream became infused with a lethal dose of old-fashioned, cold-temperature Fear.

Incident report

Date of incident: Friday, February 4, 2016

Time of incident: Approximately 7:38 pm

Location of incident: Driveway

Description of incident:
Complainant (hereafter known as Subject S) was returning her vehicle to the garage after a dinner out.

Defendant (hereafter known as Subject J) was standing in the driveway waiting for Subject S.

According to multiple neighboring witnesses, Subject J created a compact “snowball” made from remnants found in the subjects’ yard. Subject J then “lobbed” said “snowball” at Subject S.

Subject S was struck at high velocity in the forehead region, resulting in a temporary lack of logical speech, as evidenced by neighbors’ claims that she exclaimed, “WHAT the F@#$!” at top volume.

Subject J immediately inquired about Subject S’s welfare in between uncontrollable bouts of laughter.

Subject S reported that the frozen projectile “hurt!!!” and was “super cold, dammit!”

Witnesses also report that Subject S had partial remains of the frozen projectile stuck in her hair, scarf and coat.

When prodded as to his intentions, Subject J maintained that he did not “mean to hit her,” clarifying that he “only wanted to hit [her] in the coat. Or maybe the garage door…to scare her.”

Upon self-administering medical attention, Subject S discovered a red bump on her forehead that was described as “hurty” and “fricking freezing.”

Follow up: The red bump on Subject S’s forehead disappeared after 10 minutes, when it was replaced with a small cut, which according to Subject J “is barely visible.” Despite that assertion, Subject S maintains that Subject J “is so dead.”

Progress

This morning Jason and I got up to work out to our new Billy Blanks “Get Celebrity Fit!” Tae Bo DVD. (Billy, exuberantly:Are you a rock star? Me: No. Billy: Are you a celebrity?!? Me: NO. I’m going back to bed.)

Right away, Billy punished us (OK, me) for laughing at his tie-dyed shorts because unlike every other exercise video I’ve done, there was no warmup, like, AT ALL. Jason and I exchanged startled glances as we kicked and punched and flailed, and after one particularly wheezy interlude (again ME), Jason checked the timer to see how much time was left. My heart shriveled a little when I saw the display: 35 MINUTES.

Just like before, I had to sit down for a bit because my body malfunctioned while attempting its “breaking a sweat” function, which meant my face got so overheated I feared my punching and feinting was going to be replaced by puking and fainting. But then I finally broke a sweat and thought, “Hey, this is EASY!” Ridiculous.

Billy got bonus points for first demonstrating the moves in slow motion, so even non-coordinated people such as myself understood them, and for being totally honest when he said, “Just one more set.” That’s very important to me – seriously. DO NOT LIE TO ME about reps or how many more seconds of agony I need to endure.

I know there’s some quote out there about how no one ever works out and thinks afterwards, “I really regret working out,” but conversely, I never wake up early to work out and think, “Boy, I got too much sleep; I should’ve woken up earlier.”

Regardless, OPERATION: 2008 FITNESS continues unabated.

Things Jason Cannot Do – Part I

1. Watch less than 5 hours of wrestling on 3 separate programs on any given week.
2. Sleep in past 5:45AM on weekends.
3. Not pet the kitties every time I walk past them.
4. Eat just one chip.
5. Drive the speed limit.
6. Understand why anyone would pay “that” much money for a Playstation 3.
7. Watch United 93 without getting angry or crying.
8. Beat Shauna a second time on our new foosball table.
9. Care if the Vikings win this weekend. Only hope that Torry Holt runs up the score on them, helping my fantasy team into first place.
10. Wait for the Twins season. (Just over 4 months!)

Barely holding on

Things I have imagined myself doing to This Work Week if it were a person:

– Shivving it in the neck (by also imagining I was in prison)

– Making it cry by saying nobody likes it

– Telling it I’ve been wishing it dead since 8:31 a.m. Monday morning

– Not inviting it to my party

– Ignoring all its pleas for attention

– Crank-calling it at midnight

– Choosing it last during recess

– Washing its cotton sweaters in hot water

– Not telling it that it has spinach in its teeth

– Replacing its coffee with decaf

– Not answering its phone calls

– Punching it in the throat

Goofy Google searches – part IV

It’s that time again!

“Stinky cat poop pudding”

Don’t knock it; it’s only got 35 calories.


“Knit my child a tank”

I hope they meant a tank top, because otherwise how disappointed is that kid going to be when his G.I. Joe has to ride around in a knitted army toy?


“Do mice hoard d con pellets”

What else are they going to throw into the pot during their weekly poker games in our garage?


“Shauna’s boobs”

404 Error – Not found


“All granny panty”

Not all, some. Especially on laundry day.


“Mathematical equation stitching on a baseball”

This is probably from Tessie or Swistle. Oh, those math nerds!


“Where to find small jello moles”

They meant “molds,” right? Because otherwise I think I know what’s living underneath our front yard: In a world, where evil comes out only at night…to feast on human flesh…it’s the JELLO MOLE!!!


“Sport jacket peanut butter leather”

The follow-up search: “Why thousands deer attracted to jacket?”


“I hit my head on a burger king lamp”

HA HA HA HAHAHAHHA. Sorry. I say you sue that Burger King mascot. He totally deserves it. I can even recommend some lawyers: Wendy and Jimmy John MacDonalds. And their paralegal, Taco John Whitecastle.


“Science Friday junior high school experiments root beer”

You should hang out with us on a Friday night. Because we get wild and crazy and try to see how many marshmallows we can fit into our mouths at once, and we also perform root beer taste tests. Oh, the shenanigans!


“Rib cartilage falls off”

This happened to Jason. It was weird and unexplainable. Also: painful.

Goofy Google searches – part III

Well, it’s that time of the day during that time of the week where I adopt the attitude of a cranky teenager. Any work requests made of me are met with drawn-out sighs and eye rolls, along with deep-suffering moans to infer the great tragedy that I have to DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE – GOD.

I’m kidding. Kind of. Try to give me some work and see what happens!

Anyway, enjoy the latest installment of weird searches that led people to this site.

“How many dimes make up one mole”

I don’t know, but our front yard (hopefully) contains a dead mole somewhere within its bowels. And we spent approximately 356 dimes to (hopefully) accomplish this. By the way, the whole “killing moles by burying Juicy Fruit” trick? Doesn’t work. Am out 36 dimes.


“My upper lip is tingling”

This happens to me about once every 2 months. I don’t know what causes it, but I annoy Jason by making him describe play-by-play style how fat my lip is becoming.


“I hate joe buck”

Me too, mystery person…me too. If you’re considering a career change, may I suggest sports broadcasting? There appears to be a shortage of good talent, as Joe Buck is being employed to broadcast both football and baseball games. And someone thought hiring Tony Kornheiser was a good idea as well. Seriously, sports broadcasting – look into it.


“School sports torch ceremony girls pictures”
So, someone’s trying to see if I actually carried the Olympic torch, huh? Listen, if you ever do find a picture, SEND IT TO ME. Mainly so I can gloat about it.


“Crack you are empty”

And Heroin, you are running low!


“Knit patterns for dropkick murphys”

We just saw these guys in concert and there was a guy there wearing a knitted hat and a bona-fide kilt. And I silently prayed, “Please don’t let this guy crowd-surf.”


“Removes my eye with her fingernail”

They must go to my eye doctor.


“Bacon on shower walls”

Now there’s a way to get me up earlier in the mornings. Mmmm…bacon shower.


“Justin morneau lung”

Let’s see. I’m going to be naughty and perform a google search on a baseball MVP and his body part. But which player and which body part? “A-Rod’s spleen?” “Manny’s Appendix?” “Clemens’ Gall Bladder?” Oh wait, I’ve got it: “Justin Morneau Lung.”


“Slow flush toilet blue tablet”

Here’s how you fix that problem:

Step 1: Swear at toilet.
Step 2: Swear at blue tablet.
Step 3: Remove blue tablet.
Step 4: Swear at mess left by blue tablet.
Step 5: Flush.
Step 6: Repeat Step 5.
Step 7: Call husband joyously after toilet works.

Goofy Google searches – Part II

More goofy searches that led people to this site.

“Can’t hear after sneezing”

I’m sorry – what? I just sneezed. (Seriously, though – can you imagine? That must be some serious sneezing.)


“Metallica wedding”

We were this close to having a Metallica song for the sand ceremony. (It would’ve been classy – “Enter Sandman” played by Harptallica.)


“Ideal jeopardy categories”

We talk about this a lot while getting our butts kicked during Buffalo Wild Wings trivia.

Today’s ideal categories:
– X-Files
– Charlie Sheen Movies
– Is this Gary Busey or Nick Nolte?
– Fantasy Football Players That Will Have Huge Weeks After Shauna Drops Them From Her Team
– Stephen King Books
– Stalking Habits of House Centipedes


“Pickles dimes middle name”

It’s “&.”

Duh.


“Soup starter discontinued”

It’s actually not discontinued, just repackaged under a difference parent company. Unlike Chewels, whose untimely passing I mourn every day.


“Dollop tumor”

At first I thought, “There’s NO way they found this site with that search.” Then I remembered this entry.


“Buy heart shaped pickles”

Perfect for Valentine’s Day! (“Dear Honey, I love you now and always will, so here’s a jar of Kosher Dills.”)