Hang pictures
We have a laser level, but have never used it. Because we are idiots. Instead, we hang pictures by relying on our eyeballs. This means I proclaim that something looks “good,” and Jason responds to my statement by activating his OCD and staring at the picture for 15 minutes until he’s convinced himself it’s not 100% straight. The situation then devolves into two separate debates: one over whose eyesight is worse, and the other over “good” vs. “good enough” and whether the difference is that big a deal in the grand scheme of things because maybe one of us is hungry and could go for some pizza right now. Our worst fight centered around us hanging our wedding photos – OUR WEDDING PHOTOS, for the love of God – and arguing over the placement. Unbeknownst to us, one of us (he claims it was me; I will claim to my dying day that it was NOT) had set down the felt-tip pen we were using to mark nail placements on the wall. While we were loudly disparaging each other’s eyesight, the pen — which had been left open by the as-yet-agreed-upon-person — bled black ink onto our futon. The Discussion Level then shot up to SHOUTY BLAMENESS and resulted in me stepping backward into the open toolbox, scattering hammers and wrenches and screwdrivers and nails everywhere. Good times.

Ask questions while the other person is on the phone
As a little kid, I never understood while my parents shushed me all the time when I talked while they were on the phone. Then I married Jason. Whenever I’m on the phone, he is constantly popping into my line of vision and interrupting me to demand, “Ask so-and-so this…” or “What did she say about X?” or “Did you mention Z?” and it is MADDENING. If I shake my head or turn away or make an ominous throat-slitting gesture in an attempt to shut him up, he gets irritated that I’m shushing him and ramps up his questioning even more. So in retaliation, I do it to him when he’s on the phone. That way, we both win.

What are your silly, spousal argument triggers?

Oh, man. I looooved playing Donkey Kong. It was one of those games I never tired of playing, no matter how many times I got stuck on the same level or kept making the same mistakes. (Unlike playing Q*Bert, which stressed me out for some reason.)

I also really enjoyed Pitfall and Tetris. I love me some Tetris!

What are your favorite old-school video games?

With everything almost ready, we analyzed the setup, looking for possible reflections or distractions in the shot. Finally, we were banished to the living room to watch the interview on a tiny monitor. The first few minutes went well, until the sound guy interrupted and proclaimed the ticking of a wall clock to be too loud. A few minutes later, we stopped again because the humming refrigerator was too distracting. A few minutes after that, we realized the chair the husband was sitting in squeaked every time he moved.

With everything finally settled, the interview continued for a few more minutes until we heard: THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. Everyone looked around in confusion while the wife shook her head. Turns out the cat that had been banished to the bedroom was voicing his displeasure by pawing at the door.

The cat got resettled downstairs and we started again. During the heart of the interview, I suddenly developed a tickle in my throat. It was awful – just one cough or throat-clearing would take care of it, but I didn’t dare do it. It got to the point where my eyes were watering. Just as I was about to ruin everything, the interviewer stopped anyway. The next minute was a flurry of normal noises as everyone coughed, cleared their throat, rearranged their seating position, or otherwise existed. Total silence is hard to achieve, man!

After instructing the interviewer to ask a few more questions, we started getting some really great sound bites. So of course that’s when we heard WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO!

It was a train. OF COURSE IT WAS. Which, according to the wife, only passes through twice a day. About the only thing missing from our menagerie of noisy interruptions was a police siren and perhaps some stern yells emanating from a megaphone while a SWAT copter hovered nearby.

But as I was leaving, I realized we had probably gotten off easy. Sitting in the next-door neighbor’s front yard, ready for action, was a circular saw.

Number of lanes other driver crossed before T-boning me: 2

Seconds I had to react after seeing him out of the corner of my eye: .00000037

Pieces of car debris that showered over my car like a NASCAR-branded snow globe: 157

Pieces of debris that were from my car: 0

Swear words I said after impact: 3

Times other driver said, “I didn’t see you there”: 1

Times I said, “Well, I was RIGHT THERE”: 1

Times I wanted to say, “What the HELL, dude?!?”: 4

Times other driver made vague mentions of “not going through insurance”: 2

Number of seconds I waited after he drove away before I called my insurance company: 12

Date I discovered other driver’s insurance “lapsed”: January of 2011

Estimate to repair my car: $2,307

Amount of my deductible: $250

Approximate cost for rental car: $50

Times I’ve cracked my skull on the rental car door: 2

Minutes it took me to figure out how to dispense windshield wiper fluid: 37

Times I have used my car’s automatic starter this winter: 3

Days this week I could’ve used my car’s automatic starter if only it wasn’t still in the repair shop: 3

Times I happily reflected that my insurance company is going after the other driver to recoup their costs (including my deductible, which will be refunded to me): 17

Phone calls/messages I’ve received from other driver conveying his vague disappointment that I’m going through insurance: 3

Times I’ve believed that had I done that, the other driver would honor his assurance of paying for everything in a timely manner: 0

Times I don’t care what he wanted because I had the right of way, he hit me, he has no say in how I choose to do things and oh yeah, it’s against the law to NOT HAVE INSURANCE: 5

Amount my premium will go up: $0

Times I have been glad I have Liberty Mutual for my insurance company: 25

Hours until I can pick up my car and stop giving myself car door-induced concussions: 26