Me vs. the new work computer

Macbook: Hello! I am pleased to meet you.

Me: I’m not sure I believe that.

Macbook: You seem awfully suspicious.

Me: Oh, believe me, I have my reasons.

Macbook: Well, I’m nothing like those unwashed hooligans. Anyway, you can either set me up yourself or wait on hold for 90 minutes for I.T. to tell you that they don’t know anything about Mac computers.

Me: I have made it my life’s goal to never deal with I.T. again.

Macbook, cracking its knuckles: All right, let’s do this.

Me: OK, I’m unplugging the old computer and plugging you in.

Macbook: So far, so good!

Me: Um, the Ethernet connection doesn’t fit.

Macbook: Well, I’m sleeker and skinnier than my previous counterpart.

Me: Yeah, I noticed that when I tried to stuff the old computer into your box.

Macbook: Yeah, that chunker was never going to fit. Try checking the accessory boxes that came with me.

Me: You mean this Mini DisplayPort to DVI Adapter? I don’t even know what that is.

Macbook, rolling its eyes: Yeah, you don’t need that. What you actually want is the Thunderbolt to Gigabit Ethernet Adapter.

Me: I feel like you’re not even saying real words.

Macbook: Just try it.

Me: Hey, it worked! OK, you’re turned on…

Macbook: That’s what she said.

Me: Please don’t.

Macbook: Sorry.

Me: You’re on, but the monitor isn’t.

Macbook: Heh heh. When you said, “You’re on,” it sounded like you said, “urine” in a British accent.

Me: What?

Macbook: Ahem. You just need to find the monitor connection. See that cord that splits into three other cords?

Me: Yeah, but there’s only one port left.

Macbook: Well, you just need to use one of those three cords, so it’s all good.

Me: Which one?

Macbook: Well, it wouldn’t be fun if I just told you, would it?

Me: Oh my God.

Macbook: Ha! It was the last one you tried – classic!

Me: Shut up.

Macbook: This is fun! Are you ready to set up your printers?

Me: No, because every time I print something, I have to wait three days for it to print out.

Macbook: I believe if you walk over to the printer, you’ll see that it already worked.

Me: Holy crap, it did! That’s literally the first time I’ve printed something and had it show up immediately.

Macbook: You’re welcome.

Me: Wow, this is pretty aweso–Oh, dammit!

Macbook: What’s wrong?

Me: Well, I had access to Facebook and YouTube and Twitter, but now I.T. blocked it again.

Macbook: Like you need access to that stuff anyway.

Me: Actually, I do.

Macbook, winking: Sure you do.

Me: I do! I write content for clients’ Facebook pages and copy for videos that are hosted on YouTube.

Macbook: Well, it looks like you’ll have to call I.T. anyway. Enjoy!

Me: ARGH.

Welcome to the mayhem

We had two new people start at work yesterday. They must’ve thought I was insane as I explained the various work-related oddities that have become second nature to me.

On the lunchroom-stocking situation: Yeah, there’s no paper plates. Or regular plates. I usually just use some of this wax paper I found in an abandoned cupboard. Oh, and there’s no napkins per se, but you can use these paper towels instead. I mean, they’re not regular paper towels; they’re more like the kind you find in a restroom, but it’s better than nothing, right? And if you ever need a spoon, you’ll find 100 forks and 350 knives, and vice versa. But hey! If you ever need 500 tea packets, we’ve got you covered!

On setting up a timesheet: OK, we’re starting a brand-new system on Monday, so you’ll have to do two timesheets. One on the old system for projects you started this week, and one on the new system for new projects you’ll start next week. But the old system won’t let you submit a timesheet with less than 40 hours on it, so you’ll have to put your remaining hours in the Admin category, which will make it look like you slacked off.

On selecting printers for computers: Yeah, the printers are named 233 and 237 for your PC, but they’re named 6040 for your Mac. Yeah, they’re the same printers. No, I don’t know why they’re named differently. Yeah, they didn’t used to, but both of the printers now have the same name on the Mac. Do they both work? You mean at the same time? HAHHAHAHA. No. In fact, if you print something right now and walk over to the printer and it’s there? I will give you a million dollars.

On requesting access to a computer program: OK, you have to request access to things like Facebook and Twitter and YouTube because the IT department hates us. And you have to put in a business justification. You can get all specific and list the project you need it for, or you can just do what I do and put, “TO DO MY JOB.” And then after a million years, you’ll get a notification that you have access. And that’s it! You’ll be able to access those sites. Unless you shut down your computer. Or log out. Or leave your desk. Or blink.

I’m with the band(width)

Wow, it’s been awhile since I’ve been here. Lucky for you, I am full of weather-related rage (I gave myself a Shoveling Blister yesterday removing what the weatherman referred to as “cement from the sky”), so let’s release the hounds, shall we?

At work, I’ve been hearing a few phrases more and more that irritate the everloving hell out of me. Please tell me you’ve heard this one before, because I hear it nearly every day, and it makes me feel instantly annoyed: How’s your bandwidth?

The first time I was asked this, (Shauna, how’s your bandwidth?) I proceeded to completely embarrass myself by saying, “What? You mean on my computer?” I had absolutely no idea — none whatsoever — that “How’s your bandwidth?” = “How busy are you?” And now that all of the writers here are completely stretched to our limits, I know this inane question is going to precede some asinine deadline and cause my blood pressure to spike. (Side note: I had my blood pressure tested at work Tuesday, immediately after three hours of stressful, last-minute projects announced by red exclamation-pointed emails, so my blood pressure was spectacularly high. Like, epic-fail high. Note to self: NEVER EVER EVER get my blood pressure tested at work. EVER.)

The other thing that I’ve been hearing more and more of lately is, “I’ve got a hard stop.” It’s said during meetings that are about to run long: “Sorry, but I’ve got a hard stop at 3:00.” It means the person has to leave right then because they have another meeting. I find the phrase supremely annoying in a corporate-speak way, but the good news is that whenever someone says it, the meeting abruptly adjourns and EVERYONE leaves, even if we’re not actually done. I love that.

Today, I’m in meetings from 1:00 to 5:00 (least-favorite thing: afternoon meetings on Fridays) so you can bet as soon as the clock says 5:00, I’m going to be the first person to pop up and say, “I’ve gotta go. I’ve got a hard stop at 5:00.” Because I have a meeting immediately afterwards with my husband, the couch and some pork chops.

Packaging for Dummies

Yesterday my boss got a package. He wasn’t here, so a co-worker signed for it. It looked like this:

My co-worker couldn’t believe how light it was: “It feels like nothing is in here!”

Turns out she was mostly right.

This morning, my boss opened the box:

To reveal the world’s longest unbroken length of kraft paper:

There was so much, that when we straightened it out later, it was the length of at least four cubicles.

In my head, I pictured the packaging guy grabbing this:

And then hearing a really great song come on the radio, compelling him to temporarily lose his faculties and dance wildly around the warehouse while twirling the paper.

Anyway, my boss finally got rid of the paper to reveal:

A padded envelope.

And in that small padded envelope was:

A computer mouse.

So, to sum up, here are the correct steps for packaging a computer mouse:

  1. Place mouse in small padded envelope.
  2. Place small padded envelope in gigantic cardboard box.
  3. Stuff the crap out of the box with 47 feet of kraft paper.
  4. Send package to arrive a month and a half after order is placed.