Pickles & Dimes

You know how sometimes during rush hour, traffic gets backed up into the intersection even though the light is still green? Yeah, that happens sometimes. It blows, you wait, eventually you move on. (Or blog about it.)

But here’s what I don’t get and what drives me INSANE:

There’s always ONE car that will still pull into the intersection while the light is green, even if there’s nowhere to go and no hope of making it to the other side before the light changes, like this (note the red car):

I saw this happen yesterday. And do you know what the woman in the red car (OH YES, it was a WOMAN; it’s ALWAYS a woman, dammit) did?

She honked. At the car in front of her.

A car that scooted 3 inches forward because that’s all the room they had.

Which still left her stupid ass smack in the middle of the intersection.

Which is where she was still sitting when the light turned green for the cars going the other direction. You don’t know how badly I was hoping for someone to ram her car so it would burst into giant, orangey flames. Stupid Minnesota Nice!

BUT THEN, she honked AGAIN. And made some sort of angry gesture at the guy in front of her, who was well out of the way of other cars, mind you. But apparently it was HIS fault that she was a selfish tool.

The kicker? She could’ve used the second lane next to the guy because it was WIDE OPEN.

Lesson of the day: DO NOT DO.

Gestures Glossary

If you’ve ever driven a vehicle, you’ve probably gotten the one-finger salute or the angry fist shake, or some other vigorously applied hand gesture of displeasure. Now the prestigious Traffic Elimination Center is pleased to add to your repertoire of motorist-offending gestures!

(Note: I wish all of these gestures could have been accompanied by animated gifs or photos, but since I don’t own a Wacom tablet and Google only got me so far when searching for “hand gestures middle finger fists,” it’s text-only for most of them – sorry. Luckily, I offer step-by-step instructions, so you’re good to go the next time you need to let that jerk in the Jetta know what you really think.)

Gesture #1: So sorry!
Best used when you’ve started to merge into another lane and at the last second spy another car in your blind spot, forcing you to sheepishly swerve back into your lane with your tailpipe between your legs. (Give an embarrassed wave followed by folding your hands in prayer to indicate the begging of forgiveness.)

Gesture #2: Move it, buster.
To be used when you’ve found yourself tailgating another individual who thinks traveling 48 mph in a 60 mph zone is perfectly acceptable. Can also be used with drivers who think going one mile over the speed limit entitles them to unlimited use of the hammer lane. (Deploy a hand-rolling motion that signals, ‘Come on – hurry up.’)

Gesture #3: The passive-aggressive f-you. (A TEC personal favorite)
An all-purpose gesture, this one should be used when you’re angry at someone for a traffic transgression but you don’t want them to know you’re angry, because you fear being shot or run off the road. (Perform a slow-motion, sneaky middle finger extension that is barely visible over the steering wheel.)

Gesture #4: Holy crap, you suck.
This gesture is only to be used in extreme situations, such as when you are almost hit head-on by a non-attention-paying idiot who has traveled over three blocks in the left turn-only lane because traffic laws do not apply to him. (Raise both fists and shake while extending middle fingers.)

Gesture #5: You may walk, peon.
The familiar wave granted to strangers when you are feeling generous and agree to allow them to cross in front of you. A friendly reminder: don’t ever deploy this gesture in a Target parking lot on a Saturday. Seriously. (Turn one hand on its side and perform two short waves, kind of like Daniel-san in Karate Kid). This gesture can also be used at a 4-way stop when one of the cars is waiting for its hand-engraved invitation to arrive before moving on.

Gesture #6: Less talking, more driving.
Use this gesture when you want to indicate your surliness over people’s lack of attention when using their cell phone while driving. (Point to driver’s phone and then mime slitting your throat). Most times this gesture will be used in conjunction with Gesture #2.

Gesture #7: Keep that up and you’ll start seeing your brains on my windshield.
Use only with bikers who want people to “start seeing motorcycles,” but then weave in and out of traffic cutting people off because they have their own set of rules that do not include such lame things as staying more than 9 inches from other cars. (Point to biker, then mimic sign for crazy.)

Gesture #8: I’m watching you.
Use on anyone who’s speeding, yakking on their phone, cutting people off or generally being a road hazard douchebag. (Point to your own eyes, then point to culprit).

Gesture #9: It’s a crosswalk, moron. For people.
To be used by pedestrians cut off by red light-running cars that have only succeeded in blocking the crosswalk. (Pound violently on back of car.)

Turning Lanes

For only having a 7-mile commute, I encounter an unbelievable amount of idiotic traffic behavior. Volume 7 deals with an intersection half a block from my house that is so problematic I sometimes find myself taking a different route just to avoid the potential of dying due to someone else’s idiocy.

After the stoplight one block from my house, there is a center turning lane. It is a double turning lane, meaning drivers from both directions can use it to turn left.

Seems pretty straightforward, right? Ha. HAAAA.

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Faithful followers of Traffic Elimination Center® tutorials may recognize this intersection, as it was previously spotlighted in Volume 1. I have since moved away from this intersection (moved away = three blocks), yet it still plagues me and therefore deserves multiple tutorials.

Illustration 1 (drawn to scale): Same setup as before – three lanes enter, two lanes leave!

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