Things Shauna cannot do – Part V

1. Wake up without the assistance of an alarm, a dog, two cats, and a husband.

2. Figure out why her shadow makes it look like she has giant alient hands.

3. Care at all what celebrities say/do/think/endorse.

4. Remember to wash off her mascara on the two days a year she wears it.

5. Drive to work without sounding like an angry sailor.

6. Find a pair of shorts that are the right length.

7. Skip a rock on water.

8. Resist using Shorty’s paws to keep the beat as she makes him “rap” while sleeping: “My name is Shorty and I’m here to say, it’s in your lap I would like to stay…yo, yo, yo. Peace out!”

9. Keep up with the tremendously ridiculous weed growth in the yard.

10. Beat Jason at cribbage (down 31 games so far).

11. Stop eating circus peanuts.

How about you?

Things Shauna Cannot Do – Part IV

1. Get in the Christmas spirit when work is totally insane and sales people can’t remember that 70% of the staff will be missing next week when they make ridiculous deadline promises to clients.
2. [redacted]
3. Get her bangs to cooperate so that she looks more “cute and sassy” and less “slacker marijuana user.”
4. Get up early to exercise, even after watching “The Biggest Loser” finale last night and seeing how some contestants got up at 4 a.m. to exercise.
5. Figure out how to move the driver’s seat forward in her 2008 Mercury Mariner rental car; a rental car that only needed to be procured after she went to pick up Jason’s car from the mechanic and was told that after finding nothing wrong with the vehicle, they accidentally punctured the oil pan.
6. Remember the name of that delicious white chocolate-filled-with-white-pudding-concoction that someone left in the kitchen last week.
7. Schedule any kind of fun lunch and/or after-work appointment due to the client from hell; a client she will actually avoid doing business with FOREVER because of their asinine-ness. (Other clients banned forever: DHL, Wells Fargo.)
8. Stop having dreams about giving birth to baby girls.
9. Figure out why her new black shoes are making a weird, and extremely loud, clicking noise.
10. Refrain from going longer than 3 minutes without applying not one, but two types of chapstick. Chapstick which is not working AT ALL.

Things Shauna Cannot Do – Part III

1. Keep from rolling her eyes when someone says “convo” for “conversation.”
2. Resist trying to pet the rabbits that hang out in the yard every morning.
3. Take a shower without fearing an attack from house centipedes.
4. Refrain from petting Abby’s pooch even though it’s been made painfully clear that behavior is not condoned.
5. Stop drinking soda – ever.
6. Speed along Hwy. 12 near Benson without getting pulled over.
7. Forgive CBS for screwing over “The King of Queens.”
8. Keep from laughing about the fact that her cousin now has to deal with Randy Moss on his favorite team.
9. Swallow her quarter-sized vitamin every morning without gagging.
10. Change the channel from “Scarred” even though it turns her stomach.

Things Shauna Cannot Do – Part II

1. Help herself from feeling sorry for Tony Romo.
2. Refer to Tony Romo by only his first name.
3. Keep herself from wanting to punch Jason in the head when he tickles her.
4. Remember not to crack her head on the vanity every morning when she turns her head upside down to dry her hair.
5. Pretend to be happy when interrupted during her lunch hour.
6. Visit the pets for adoption at PetSmart without experiencing “something in her eye.”
7. Remove dead fish from the fishtank without imagining them coming to life at key tank-removal moments (i.e., when fish is mere inches from her face).
8. Go longer than 28 minutes without applying chapstick.
9. Be happy about performing cardio.
10. Keep herself from doodling poorly drawn flowers while talking on the phone.