Pickles & Dimes

You know how some people have a traveling mascot, an item that they take with them on trips to photograph in remote locations?

Our “mascot” is The Thing from The Fantastic Four. Jason bought him a few years ago from a dollar store, and in addition to traveling to Cancun and Vegas, The Thing serves as our personal joke, where we hide him in certain spots for the other to find. He’s not as popular as Erin’s Finding Jesus, as funny as Tessie’s traveling cabin table, or as heart attack-inducing as my family’s fake hand, but that’s OK.

We hadn’t hid The Thing for quite awhile until I lazily threw him in Jason’s coat pocket a few weeks ago. He found him and then, for the next week, kept asking me if I’d found him yet. And every day that passed made me more and more concerned that it was hiding right in front of my face, but that I was too non-observant to see it.

Then I went to work one day and checked my mail. Inside my mail slot was an envelope addressed to me from Jason’s place of business (our companies do business with each other). Totally not thinking, I ripped open the envelope and had to stifle a shriek when this greeted me:

Oh, it’s ON.

“I’m betting everything on orange.”

“C’mon, Daddy needs a new pair of blue underwear.”

“Yeah, so what kind of escorts do you have? Do you have ones that like their men rock har-, Hey, you guys mind? I’m on the freaking phone!”

“When I said “˜Hit me,’ I didn’t mean literally – idiot.”

Ever since The Thing accompanied us to the Motley Crue/Aerosmith concert a few months ago, he’s been acting strange.

First came his penchant for swearing repeatedly while playing darts. He also refused to stand the correct distance from the board when throwing. I still have the scar.

Then came his addictive behavior: smoking. Inside the house, even. And he doesn’t use an ashtray.

And finally, we caught him with some less-than-savory characters. That’s Jenna Jameson. Even in this weather she doesn’t dress appropriately.

He’s out of control. That’s the last time we let him listen to an 80s hair band.

The snowman looks very festive in his hat and scarf, while The Thing bucks tradition by wearing his ratty blue underwear.

This year, if you’re bad, you don’t get coal in your stocking – you get The Thing.