“BEEP BEEP BEEP!” says the alarm clock.

“IS IT TIME TO WAKE UP ALREADY?!? I’M STILL EXHAUSTED!” says Shauna.

“GOOD MORNING! DID MY 750 MEOWS KEEP YOU UP?” says Sunny.

“GOOD MORNING! I HAVE CAREFULLY HUNTED AND KILLED THESE BEANIE BABIES DURING THE NIGHT AND LAID THEM ON THE FLOOR FOR YOU TO TRIP OVER,” says Abby.

“GUESS WHAT? I WAS SO INVOLVED WITH CHASING A FLY AROUND THE HOUSE THAT I KNOCKED ALL YOUR PAPERWORK OFF THE COUNTER,” says Sunny.

“ALSO, I AM STARVING, AND ANGRY ABOUT SAID STARVING, SO I PEED IN THE KITCHEN SINK,” says Abby.

“ZZZZZZZ,” says Shorty.

“HA! EVEN THOUGH YOU CHECKED THE SHOWER FOR ME BEFORE YOU STEPPED IN, I WAS HIDING BEHIND THE CURTAIN! WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT I ALWAYS WIN?” says the house centipede.

“GOOD MORNING! I AM LEAKING FLUID. THIS IS WHY IT FEELS LIKE THE REAR TIRES ARE NOT CONNECTED TO THE CAR – WHEE!” says Shauna’s car’s rear strut.

“I AM TALKING ON MY PHONE WHILE LISTENING TO LOUD MUSIC AND LAUGHING WITH MY FRIEND – HAHAHAHHA! OOPSIE, DID I ALMOST RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD?” says the distracted commuter.

“MESSAGE! MESSAGE! MESSAGE!” says Shauna’s work voicemail.

“I HAVE A PROJECT FOR YOU. IT NEEDS TO BE DONE RIGHT AWAY. I AM AT A WORK SITE, OTHERWISE I WOULD DO IT,” says the voice message from Shauna’s coworker.

“WHILE YOU WERE LISTENING TO THAT FIRST MESSAGE, I RECEIVED ANOTHER MESSAGE! ANOTHER MESSAGE! ANOTHER MESSAGE!” says Shauna’s work voicemail.

“I HAVE ADDITIONAL LABOR-INTENSIVE CHANGES TO THIS PROJECT THAT I COULD DO MYSELF BUT AM GIVING TO YOU INSTEAD. YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF THAT BOTH OF MY ARMS ARE BROKEN, IF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER,” says the voice message from Shauna’s coworker.

“DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME!” says Shauna’s to-do list.

[Later]

“I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT SOME CHANGES TO MY PROJECT THAT TOTALLY CANCEL OUT MY PREVIOUS CHANGES. YOU NEED TO REDO EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOU SHOULD’VE BEEN ABLE TO SEE INTO THE FUTURE AND KNOW WHAT I WANTED,” says Shauna’s coworker.

“GRRR! BUT I HAVE OTHER DEADLINES!” says Shauna.

“IT’S OK! WE’RE NOT DUE UNTIL LATER…TODAY,” say the other deadlines.

“HA HA HA! YOU WILL NEVER GET ME UNDER CONTROL! I AM A TORNADO! OF PAPERWORK!” says Shauna’s to-do list.

[Later]

“I’M BACK!” says Shauna’s coworker.

Guess what, kids? This is a Zombie Project! It keeps coming back after I think I’ve killed it.

How do we kill zombies? Let’s see what the Internet recommends!

Internet Zombie-Killing Guide:

1. Crush their skull with a crowbar!

2. Set them on fire!

3. Run them over with a car!

4. Put them into a wood chipper!

5. Shoot them in the head!

6. Bury them in a pit of concrete!

7. Use a chainsaw!

8. Starve them to death!

9. Put them through a large meat grinder!

Shauna better not do any of these things, though. That would be illegal, and she’d probably get arrested.

And then there wouldn’t be anyone left to do the work.

Except for the zombies.

THE END.

“HEY, PETS! I’M HOME FROM WORK. TIME TO ENJOY A NICE RELAXING NIGHT,” says Shauna.

“ME-ROW!” says the kitty.

“ME-ROW!!!!!!!!!!!” says the other kitty.

“LET’S GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW!” says the dog.

“WAIT FOR US TO BE PUT ON,” says the winter gear.

“DON’T WE LOOK ALL NICE AND TWINKLY?” say the backyard Christmas lights.

“HELLO!” says the rabbit in the yard. “I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO RUN FOR MY LIFE, PREFERABLY IN ALL DIRECTIONS.”

“YAY! A RABBIT,” says the dog. “WHEEEEEE!”

“SHORTY – STOP!” says Shauna.

“NO WAY JOSE,” says the dog.

“HEY, I COULD’VE EASILY ESCAPED THROUGH ANY NUMBER OF SMALL HOLES IN YOUR FENCE, BUT INSTEAD I WILL CONTINUE RUNNING IN CIRCLES AT FULL SPEED,” says the rabbit.

“OH-OH,” says the fence. “REMEMBER THAT LARGE GAP IN ME YOU TRIED TO BLOCK WITH A PIECE OF WOOD?”

“SEE YA,” says the rabbit, leaping through the gap.

“DITTO,” says the dog, following the rabbit.

“@#$%!!!” says Shauna.

Hey, kids! How can we prevent this from happening in the future? Let’s see!

1. Have someone guard the fence.

2. Build a moat.

3. Hire ninjas.

4. Put the vacuum cleaner outside.

5. Relocate the rabbits to Florida.

“WHAT’S GOING ON?” says Jason, as he gets home from work.

“BARK BARK BARK WHINE WHINE WHINE,” says the dog, now in the neighbor’s yard.

“HEY THERE!” says the giant fallen tree limb. “DID YOU HAVE A NICE TRIP?”

“OUCHIE,” says Shauna’s leg.

“HELLO THERE,” says the neighbor’s motion light. “NO ONE LIVES HERE RIGHT NOW SO IT IS AS DARK AS A CAVE BACK HERE, BUT I WILL HELP YOU OUT. LOOKS LIKE I AM TOO LATE, THOUGH. OOPSIE.”

“SHORTY, COME HERE,” says Shauna.

“HERE SHORTY,” says Jason.

“OK,” says the dog. “I WILL MAKE YOU THINK MY TRAINING STATUS AS A LEVEL 3 DOG IS MAKING ME COME TO YOU.”

“I…AM…ALMOST…WITHIN…YOUR…REACH…” says the dog’s collar.

“OH HAI!” says the rabbit. “I KNOW I COULD’VE WAITED TWO MORE SECONDS BUT I FELT THE URGE TO STREAK PAST YOU AGAIN TO DEMONSTRATE NOT ONLY MY SPEEDINESS BUT ALSO THE FACT THAT I HAVE A DEATH WISH.”

“BEST GAME EVER!” says the dog.

“@$#@^@&!^!%!$!$!$%!#$^!@%&%$&!%!!!!!!!!” says Shauna. “I WILL WRING YOUR STUPID NECK MYSELF, RABBIT!”

“OK, I AM DONE NOW,” says the dog. “BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE TO POOP.”

THE END.

“I’M HOME FROM KINDERGARTEN!” says Jason.

“YAY! LET’S PLAY,” says Jason’s brother.

“EXCUSE ME, I SEEM TO BE MISSING SOME OF THE DECORATIVE TOOTHPICKS YOU BOYS LIKE TO TAPE TO ME,” says the bed.

“YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE TOOTHPICKS YOU SAVE FROM WHEN YOU GO OUT TO DINNER,” says the sandwich.

“YEAH, A FEW OF US ARE GONE!” says the toothpicks.

“LOOKS LIKE I’VE CAUGHT A FEW TOOTHPICKS IN MY 70s SHAGGY FIBERS,” says the carpeting.

“LET’S PLAY MATCHBOX CARS ON THE CARPET,” says Jason’s brother.

“VROOM, VROOM,” says the Matchbox cars.

“AAAAAAAAAAH!” says Jason.

“WHAT’S WRONG?!?” says Jason’s mom.

“I HURT MY KNEE,” says Jason.

“THERE’S A TOOTHPICK STUCK IN YOUR KNEECAP!” says Jason’s mom.

“HELLO, THERE!” says the toothpick.

“LET’S PULL IT OUT,” says Jason’s mom.

[later]

“MY KNEE STILL HURTS,” says Jason.

“I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN IN A FIGHT: I’M SWOLLEN, WARM AND BRUISED,” says the knee.

“IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S NOW PAST REGULAR DOCTOR’S HOURS. YOU’LL HAVE TO GO TO THE ER,” says the clock.

“THE TOOTHPICK MAY HAVE BROKEN OFF INSIDE THE KNEE,” says the ER doc.

“AAAAHHHH!” says Jason.

“LET’S PROBE AROUND YOUR ALREADY PAINFUL KNEE, JUST TO MAKE SURE,” says the ER doc.

“AAAAHHHHH!” says the knee.

“YOU’LL BE OK. IT’S NOTHING A FEW BAND-AIDS CAN’T TAKE CARE OF,” says the ER doc. “I’LL BE SURE TO TELL ALL OF MY DOCTOR BUDDIES ABOUT THIS ONE.”

THE END.

In the meantime, the following happened to me yesterday and practically begged to be presented in this format. Previous entries can be found here.

“YAY! IT IS FINALLY TIME TO GO HOME,” says the work clock.

“BRRR. IT IS MINUS FIVE DEGREES OUTSIDE,” says the bank thermometer outside of work.

“HA. YOU THOUGHT I WOULD TURN GREEN, DIDN’T YOU?” says the crosswalk light.

“HI,” says Shauna’s car doors. “UM…WE CANNOT OPEN. WE’RE FROZEN, ACTUALLY.”

“OW!” says Shauna’s car key. “WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME?!? I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH HERE.”

“WE SHOULD PROBABLY HEAD BACK INSIDE,” says Shauna’s mittens. “WE’RE NOT REALLY UP TO THE CHALLENGE TODAY.”

“HEADING BACK TO WORK, HUH? DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING?” says Shauna’s coworker, who was smart enough not to wash their car on a 40-degree day that would be followed by a -5 degree day.

“WELL, HELLO AGAIN,” says the crosswalk light. “TOO BAD I’M NOT GREEN RIGHT NOW. GUESS YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE AND A HALF FOR ME TO CHANGE.”

“HELLO?” says Jason on the phone.

“MY CAR DOORS ARE FROZEN SHUT,” says Shauna. “WHAT SHOULD I DO?”

“WELL,” says Jason. “YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE WASHED YOUR CAR.” (“DULY NOTED,” thinks Shauna’s sense of wounded pride.) “TRY IT A FEW MORE TIMES AND THEN CALL ME IF YOU NEED A RIDE.”

Shauna asks her coworkers for advice. Here’s what they say, kids!

1. Blow warm air on the keyhole.

2. Heat the car key with a lighter.

3. Pour hot water on the door.

4. Use a blowtorch.

5. Get someone to give her a ride to a gas station to get some de-icer.

“LET’S TRY #1 AND #2, AND IF THOSE DON’T WORK, WE’LL TRY #5,” says Shauna.

“SERIOUSLY?” says Shauna’s fingers. “WE NO LONGER HAVE FEELING IN US, UNLESS YOU COUNT ‘HOT STABBY PAIN THAT RESEMBLES A DOG BITE’ AS A FEELING.”

“LOOKEE HERE,” says the crosswalk light. “GUESS WHAT? STILL NOT GREEN! I ESTIMATE YOU HAVE SPENT 12 MINUTES STANDING ON THIS STREET CORNER…SLOWLY SUCCUMBING TO FROSTBITE.”

“#1 IS NOT WORKING,” says Shauna’s lips.

“I LAUGH AT YOUR ATTEMPT AT #2,” says the wind, which is blowing at 35 mph.

“IT IS NOW -11 DEGREES,” says the bank thermometer. “JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW, IN CASE THE NUMBING SENSATION IN YOUR FACE HASN’T TOLD YOU ALREADY.”

“WE’D RELEASE SOME TEARS RIGHT NOW,” says Shauna’s eyes, “BUT WE ARE AFRAID THEY WOULD FREEZE TO YOUR FACE.”

“CAN I GIVE YOU A RIDE TO A GAS STATION?” says Shauna’s now-favorite coworker.

“HERE IS THE DE-ICER,” says the gas station attendant. “IF THIS DOESN’T WORK, YOU COULD TRY A BLOWTORCH LIGHTER FOR $20.”

“NOPE,” says Shauna’s car door lock. “THIS DE-ICER IS NOT WORKING.”

“PLEASE?” says the de-icer.

“COME ON!!!” says Shauna’s remaining shred of sanity.

“OK,” says the car.

“HI,” says Jason, after Shauna gets home an hour late. “YOU SHOULD NOT WASH YOUR CAR DURING THE WINTER EVER AGAIN.”

“DEAL,” says Shauna.

THE END.

“HEY,” says the front yard. “I HAVE ANOTHER GOPHER HOLE IN ME.”

“LET’S DROWN THE GOPHER!” says the garden hose.

“YOU SHOULD MAYBE HAVE CHANGED BEFORE DOING THIS,” says Shauna’s soggy and muddy dress shoe.

“HEY – IT REALLY SMELLS LIKE SKUNK ALL OF A SUDDEN,” says Shauna’s nose.

“SOMETHING JUST TOUCHED ME!” says Shauna’s leg.

“AIIIIIIEEEE!” says Shauna’s lungs.

“OH, SORRY. THAT WAS ME,” says the garden hose.

“YOU’RE A BASTARD,” says Shauna’s heart.

“ME-ROW? ME-ROW! ME-ROW!!!!!!!!!!” says the kitty in the house.

“HI,” says the caterpillar purchased from the State Fair that turned into a cocoon. “I’M EMPTY NOW. WHERE IN THIS COMPLETELY GIANT HOUSE DO YOU THINK MY BUTTERFLY IS?”

“DOWN HERE!” says the butterfly, hanging at cat-eye level from the wastebasket like an exotic treat.

“DID SOMEONE SAY ‘TREAT’? says the other kitty, pawing at the butterfly.

“NO!” says Shauna, as she carries the butterfly to the downstairs bathroom and closes the door.

“GREETINGS!” says the house centipede, which was only pretending to be dead. Don’t you love to play pretend, kids?

“EXCUSE ME. I AM NOW LOCKED,” says the bathroom door.

“OH NO YOU’RE NOT!” says Shauna.

“OH YES I AM,” says the doorknob.

“YAY! YOU’RE FINALLY GOING TO USE US!” says the bamboo skewers.

“THIS IS NOT WORKING,” says the doorknob.

“WE’RE IN THE WAY, AREN’T WE?” says the washer and dryer.

Let’s see what the Internet recommends, kids!
1. Use a knife to jimmy it open.
2. Use a screwdriver to remove the doorknob.
3. Use a credit card.
4. Bust the door!
5. Call someone to help you.

None of these are helpful. Let’s try the bamboo skewer again, shall we?

“POP,” says the doorknob. “YAY – IT WORKED! YOU ARE SOME KIND OF LOCK-PICKING MASTERMIND!”

“RING, RING,” says the phone.

“HI,” says Jason. “WHATCHA BEEN DOING – RELAXING?”