Pickles & Dimes

Wow, you guys wanted to know what books I read, huh? You must be totally bored. And if not, prepare to be, because I am waaay behind on current books (although a few newer ones on my reserve list at the library are finally coming my way). I’m keeping track of the books I’ve read so far in 2010 through an app on Facebook, but I’m going to put it out here too, in case you’re interested (I find most of my new reads through other people’s recommendations). The ones in bold are the ones I really, really enjoyed. Your mileage may vary, especially if you are not into books depicting government coverups, murder or the end of the world as we know it and the resulting breakdown of civilization. No romance/vampire novels here. (Also, when I find an author I like, I tend to catch up on everything they have written, hence the repeat authors.)

9th Judgement by James Patterson
Impact by Douglas Preston
At First Sight by Stephen Cannell
Cemetery Dance by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child
The Devil’s Workshop by Stephen Cannell
Finishing School by Max Allan Collins
The 4400 by Greg Cox
Breathless by Dean Koontz (who, as you may already know, is always iffy though usually entertaining)
What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro
Dr. Death by Jonathan Kellerman
Cat & Mouse by James Patterson
The Rift by Walter J. Williams
The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
Being Dead by Jim Croce
The Scarpetta Factor by Patricia Cornwell
Noah’s Compass by Anne Tyler
On the Beach by Nevil Shute
The U.S. Army Survival Manual
Under the Dome by Stephen King
Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane
One Second After by William Forstchen
Velocity by Dean Koontz
The Stand by Stephen King
FlashForward by Robert Sawyer
Above the Law by Tim Green
Pursuit of Honor by Vince Flynn
Lucifer’s Hammer by Larry Niven and Jeremy Pournelle
The Face by Dean Koontz
Dies the Fire by S.M. Stirling
Wolf and Iron by Gordon Dickson
A Long Way Down by Nick Hornsby
Dexter by Design by Jeff Lindsay

My four most recent reads:
Tricky Business by Dave Barry

I’ve always liked Dave Barry’s newspaper column. Then I saw this book in the clearance section of Half-Price Books for $2.98 and snapped it up. Since I am a fast reader, I am loathe to pay full-price for books (unless authored by Stephen King), so I have to wait to get them from my library, which is why I’m so behind on the current bestsellers. I read this book in an hour and a half while I got my hair colored. It was fairly amusing, not entirely believable, but I’ll give it 3 stars.

Marlene Dietrich by Alexander Walker

I’ve read nearly every biography on Marlene Dietrich. Then I saw this one at Half-Price Books and lunged across the aisle in front of a startled elderly gentleman (he was the right age to remember Dietrich – he might’ve been reaching for the same book!) to grab it. Unfortunately, I hated this book – absolutely hated it. Walker’s tone was so damn arrogant and stupid and smarmy; his main focus was on pointing out how other biographers got certain bits of information wrong. Which is fine, I guess, since it is a biography concerned with detailing the facts of someone’s life, only Walker didn’t expound any further on the correct version of Dietrich’s life, which is too bad, because she was utterly fascinating. And since Walker seems to think of himself as some kind of genius biographer of the stars, it was disappointing that he couldn’t manage to dredge up one single photo that hadn’t been published by every other book written about Marlene. A total disappointment. Zero stars.

The Girl Who Played With Fire by Steig Larsson

I was one of the last people on this bandwagon, and when I finally read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, I didn’t like it. I thought it was slow and boring and only somewhat OK. In fact, when people kept going on and on about The Girl Who Played With Fire, I thought, “Is this going to be a situation like The Road? Where everyone hated that book and I read it and thought it one of the best books I’ve ever read? Like that, only the opposite?” So I finally got the second book and it was excellent. I loved it so much I paid $4 to rent The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest from the library, which I’m reading right now, and is also very, very good.

The Quickie by James Patterson

I usually like Patterson’s books; they’re the perfect beach read and only take me a couple of hours. Only this storyline was competely unbelievable: A woman sees her husband kill her lover, who is a cop, and instead of turning in her husband (whom she believes is cheating on her), she hides the evidence. Oops, did I mention she herself is a police detective? Yeah. Anyway, I’ve noticed this annoying habit of Patterson’s in almost all of his books, this one included. He’ll take a seemingly random, normal sentence and add an exclamation point to it. The first few books I read where this happened, I actually assumed it was a typo because the sentence was so basic, like, “And then he pressed down on the accelerator!”

Huh? I mean, it’s not even an exciting, unexpected plot development like, “And then he pulled off his face-skin to reveal that he was actually a dragon!” I don’t get it, but apparently, this is an important plot device for bestselling authors. I’m going to try it:

“And then I grabbed a piece of cheese from the refrigerator!”

“And then I put on my socks!”

“And then I ended this lame book review entry!”

Having to stand up repeatedly for people during baseball games.
Look, I understand that I’m going to have to stand up so that people can get to their seats, leave to get food and drinks, pee, whatever. But when I have to stand up repeatedly for these same people more than four times? I hate them and their drinking addition/bladder problem/jimmylegs/whatever, OK? For a 3-hour game, I will maybe get up once. Ninety percent of the time? I don’t leave my freaking seat. I try to be all Zen about it, so when someone says ‘excuse me’ the first few times, I’ll nod and smile, but when they’re leaving for the 4th time and it’s only the 2nd inning? Yeah, I won’t even make eye contact because I’m annoyed at their constant aisle pacing and how it’s interfering with my enjoyment of the game. Especially if they’re leaving in the middle of an at-bat – learn baseball etiquette, dammit. And when people come to our end of the aisle and want to pass through, even though their seats are on the opposite end? Whyyyyyy? Seriously! Don’t make 15 people stand up for you because you’re too lazy to walk 20 feet and make only two people stand up, OK?

People doing things only because they heard about it on Oprah, not because it’s plain common sense (i.e., not texting or talking on their phone while they’re driving).

When I’m super swamped at work and at my wit’s end and basically being punished for being intelligent and organized and with-it by having to constantly nag others for information and/or getting assigned additional projects, and someone trills, “At least it’s job security!”

When actors/bands get all huffy when they make it big, acting like they don’t want the attention (Kristen Stewart, Kurt Cobain).

Commuting.
Every night, I make a Sophie’s Choice and decide which way to take home (I have two choices, neither good). Sometimes I wish I could see a traveling blue line, like in the Olympics, so I could see where my Alternate Commuting Self is in comparison to my Sitting in Traffic Self. In my quest (called “I would like to get home before being killed by any one of you 2,500 a-holes traveling my route”), I try to get home as soon as possible. I am kind of like the main character in Stephen King’s “Mrs. Todd’s Shortcut,” only without the scary creatures or wormhole shortcuts or the whole getting younger bit. Anyway, my shortcuts are few and far between, but I try to get home faster by limiting the amount of times I brake. It is remarkably easy not to brake (for me), but everyone else seems to have this knee-jerk reaction to seeing brake lights on the car in front of them. So here is what I do:
1. Get behind a car
2. Leave a decent amount of space between me and that car (but not so decent that jerks in the other lane decide to cut me off)
3. When I see the car in front of me brake:
a. Check if car in front of THAT car is braking
b. Ease up on the accelerator
4. Only brake when absolutely necessary, which is less than 25% of the time

I just wish everyone would do this, instead of stamping on the brake any time they see brakelights, cop lights, tow trucks, hazard lights, clouds, birds or air motes.

Man, I am cranky! It is a good thing that I have tomorrow off.

Jason, after stealing a drink from my glass last night: Ah, I love grape juice.

Me: I know – it’s the best. That and apple juice.

Jason: Yeah.

Me: It goes: grape juice, apple juice, and then orange juice.

Jason: Yeah, same here.

Me: But the orange juice can’t have any pulp.

Jason: Yes! I don’t drink anything with hair in it.

About a month ago, I noticed a large robin had built a nest on top of one of our downspouts. Every morning I’d see her nestled in, chin tucked, sitting silently. Since we were about to replace our gutters, Jason said we should knock down the nest. I vetoed him, thinking the birds would be long gone by the time that happened. I was wrong.

The guys came to replace the gutters and downspouts, and when I came home to survey their handiwork, I was happy to see someone had carefully relocated the nest to a nearby lilac tree. Jason said, “The mom won’t come back now that the nest has been touched.”

And he was right. The mom never came back. After about a week, I noticed the nest was sliding off a branch, and painfully scrambled my way to the top of the lilac tree to carefully reposition it with a twig, just in case.

A few nights ago, I walked over to smell the last of the remaining lilacs, and I saw a flash of robin’s egg blue on the ground. My heart sank. It was the remains of one of the eggs, cracked open and empty. I investigated further and found part of the nest on the ground, upside down, and nestled underneath it, the other egg – intact.

I picked it up and held it carefully in my hand. The day was unnaturally bright and as I held up the egg, the sunlight illuminated it from behind and revealed that it was filled with fluid – and nothing else. No bird.

I’m sorry, birds.