September 26, 2008
Chicago White Sox
c/o Major League Baseball
RE: Last night’s game that you led by 5 runs and then lost 7-6 in extra innings
Dear White Sox:
P.S. Suck it.
cc: Minnesota Twins
Enc: PowerPoint presentation detailing the many ways A.J. Pierzynski is a giant tool.
Dear unknown person I curse daily,
My work number is not a fax. It is not one today and it was not one the previous 317 times. Call whomever you’re trying to reach and ask them for the correct fax number, dammit.
Dear generic Advil I found in the kitchen drawer at work,
Your stern message about not taking more than 6 pills in 24 hours? HAAAAAA. (That is the sound of my uterus laughing at you.)
Dear work computer,
That whole “greeting me with a blank screen and none of my documents when I logged on”? Did I look like I thought that was amusing? DID I???
I know you’re acting stupid so that I’ll cut you, but I’m not falling for it. Yet. We’ll talk again later.
Dear closet and dresser,
You look empty now that I’ve donated some of your occupants. I’ll try to remedy that soon. And no more Grandma sweaters, I promise!
Dear internal body temperature,
KICK IT UP A NOTCH.
You. Me. Tonight (or this weekend if madcap games of gin rummy interfere). Wear something hot, bubbly and scented like fruit.
Dear Static Electricity,
I do not understand what I have done to offend you. I cannot recall slapping your face with a leather glove, or disparaging your Mother, or mocking the size of your booty, so your seemingly unnecessary rage against me is frightening. The extra-voltage jolt from the running water in the bathroom seemed especially uncalled for. Perhaps we can arrange a truce?
P.S. When do you think I can expect to regain the feeling in my right hand?
Dear Sonic® and Dave & Buster’s®,
I see advertisements for your places of business all the time. You appear to both be eating establishments. I wish to dine with you. I especially would like to take advantage of Sonic’s Vanilla Slush®. Or perhaps the tempting Sonic® Bacon Cheeseburger. No, no – a Coney! With bacon, chili and cheese! YES! That is what I will order – for here, please. I want to experience the dine-in atmosphere.
And you, Dave & Buster’s, I would enjoy very much the opportunity to indulge in some noshing and imbibing and game-playing. You have billiards. And shuffleboard!!! Do you know how awesome it would be to play shuffleboard while eating your Jack Daniels® BBQ ribs?
But I cannot do so. Do you know why?
Because neither of you are ANYWHERE NEAR MY FREAKING GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION.
Why do you advertise on my local channels? Do you think I am going to drive 223 miles to Sonic or 398 miles to Dave & Buster’s, spending $3.09 per gallon for the sole purpose of visiting your establishments and peeing in your toilets?
No, I am not.
I am going to dine at Buffalo Wild Wings® instead. They have 18 locations in Minnesota alone.