Pickles & Dimes

This morning, 2:30 a.m.:

Jason: Ahhhh! Get away from me, you (bleep)er!

Me: Huh? Wha?

Jason: The (bleep)ing giant lizard is trying to bite me!!

Me: Heh heh.

Jason, after a long pause: Ow! It bit me!

Me, giggling: Oh. Are you OK?

Jason, after a long, long, looooong pause: (Bleep)er.

Me: [Sound asleep]

Jason: Hey!

Me: [Awake and annoyed] Grr…

Jason: Get away from there!

Me: [Plotting revenge but unable to do anything due to being pinned down by two sleeping cats]

Jason: Come on! You’re getting frosting all over the bed!

Me: Bwah?

Jason, once we’re both awake in the morning, “morning” equaling PITCH BLACKNESS OMG EARLY MORNING ALARM: Man, I had some weird dreams last night.

Me: Really?

Jason: Yeah, something to do with cake.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done this, so here’s the latest searches that led people to this site…

“My child is waking up with bites”

I need more specifics here. Bug bites? Meh. Human bites? Now we’re talking.

“Do time warps exist”

Yes. At my workplace. Every day I live the hours of 1:30 to 5:00 in a giant vortex that makes me endure five lifetimes before it spits me back out. It’s located next to the receptionist’s desk.

“Cheek tingling cheese”

Um…which cheeks are you referring to? The upper cheeks or the lower? Because there’s a huge difference.

“What is sleep apathy”

Not apnea, but apathy: Eh, sleep. I can take it or leave it. Also, I think I now have this, since I was mostly immune to Jason’s latest half-asleep escapade:

Shauna: ZZZZZZZZ

Jason, screaming: F-YOU!

Shauna: Oh, for cripe’s sake (rolls over)

Jason, yelling: LET GO OF THE F’ING DOG!!!

Shauna, poking Jason in the back: Wake up!

Jason, kicks and punches, flails around

Shauna: ZZZZZZZZ

“How to pronounce rainer cherries”

Like this: MMMMMMMM.

“Centipede shower”

For the love of God, the first thing I imagined wasn’t a lone centipede in the shower, but a giant showerhead that sprayed thousands of creepy, crawly centiepedes instead of water. Guess what’s starring in tonight’s nightmare?

“Pickles tested by olympic softball team”

“Pickle sustained major structural damage after first baseman used it for batting practice.”

“Warehouse manager teeny foods”

Hee! I picture teeny shopping carts and teeny paper bags to load up the teeny food. Also, teeny receipts.

“Ten things to do so you are not lonely”

This one just makes me sad.

“Where do you buy ham loaves”

At Teeny Foods, of course!

“Dog poop from backyard smells awful in spring”

Like it’s all rose and lavender-scented otherwise.

“Got hit by a large truck carrying pillows”

The trucking company? Irony Industries.

You know, Jason’s sleeptalking used to really annoy me, because he would wake me up, maintain a conversation (that I did not wish to have in the early morning hours and that he did not remember later), and leave me wide awake while he slept peacefully. Now, however, I’m kind of glad he does it, because it’s happening more often, and it usually involves loud swearing, which is hilarious.

Jason: Stupid (bleep)ers!

Shauna, thinking he’s annoyed by the cats, who are being stupid (bleep)ers by rustling around the headboard, chewing on the plastic on the windows, and hopping on our faces with their claws extended, resulting in a scratch on my open eye: What?

Jason: Stop trying to revive the mice in the traps!

Shauna: What?!?

Jason:: The mice in the warehouse. They’re caught in the traps. And the stupid idiots are trying to revive them!

Shauna: Who’s trying to revive them?

Jason: Jim Halpert.

Shauna: Jim Halpert … from The Office?

Jason: I need a job, because my coworkers are imaginary!

Shauna, laughing: Are you awake?

Jason: Hey, stop it! Leave the mice alone, I said!

Shauna: I’ll take that as a “no.”

Jason: I’m talking to you, Jim!!!