Pickles & Dimes

It’s been awhile since Jason talked in his sleep. His last few episodes were just loud moans punctuated by random kicking and flailing, which made having a queen-sized bed very unfortunate. Last week he was finally agitated enough to talk.

Jason: [SCREAMS while kicking madly]

Me: Hey!

Jason: NRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGH! [more kicking, plus punches]

Me: Shorty-I mean Jason, wake up! (I was dreaming about Shorty)

Jason, muttering unintelligibly: Something something something?

Me: Are you awake? What are you asking?

Jason, still muttering unintelligibly, but with a definite rise in his voice at the end so his muttering appears to be a question: Something something SOMETHING?

Me, annoyed: Whatever it is you’re asking, the answer is no.

Jason: [quiet]

Me: [rolls eyes]

Jason, suddenly: HEE HEE HEE!!! Now they’re in the f—ing ditch! (Editor’s note: He actually said the words, “HEE HEE HEE.” It was very odd.)

Me: Argh!

Jason: [sound asleep]

Me: [wide awake]

A few nights ago:

Jason, sleeping: mumblemumblemumblemumble COKE!

Me: Bwah?

Jason, louder: mumblemumblemumblemumble COKE!!

Me: Jason, what?

Jason, practically shouting: DON’T DRINK ALL THE COKE!!!

Me: Okay! Geez.

Jason: zzzzzzzzzzz.

Sunday, 3:00 a.m.:

Jason, sleep-talking: AAHHHHH! No!

Me: Wake up, Jason!

Jason: AAARRRGH!

Me: Jason, you’re dreaming. Wake up!

Jason: Get off me!

Me: You’re having a nightmare – it’s OK!

Jason: Squirrels are biting my neck!

Me: Um, OK. But it’s just a dream!

Jason, flailing: AAAAAH! Here comes another one!

The next morning:

Me: You talked in your sleep again.

Jason: I did?

Me: Yeah. You were pretty agitated.

Jason: Oh yeah! Baby alligators were biting my feet!

Me: Yea…wait, no. Squirrels were biting your neck.

Jason: Huh? I don’t remember that. I remember trying to climb up a steep, muddy hill and baby alligators were trying to bite my feet.

Me: Wow, that…is actually pretty horrifying.

Jason: Every time I’d climb up the hill, I’d slide back down.

Me: How come you dream about relatively harmless animals trying to attack you? Like the time a skunk ran backwards on your chest to spray you?

Jason: I don’t know, but that dream was scary.

Me: And now squirrels and baby alligators.

Jason, defensively: Well, adult alligators were in my dream, too. They were just hanging back and watching.

Scene: Sunday morning, 5:05 a.m. I get up to feed the cats.

Jason: Change my alarm!

Me, half asleep: What?

Jason: I need to go in early.

Me, realizing: It’s Sunday.

Jason: I don’t want to be late!

Me: It’s Sunday!

Jason: I have to be in by 6:00.

Me: Jason. It’s SUNDAY!

Jason: Shhhh.

Me: Are you shushing me?!?

Jason: Zzzzzzz.