And *I’m* the bad guy

Saturday, 3:20 a.m. There’s rain and rolling thunder and lightning. And I’m sleeping through it. Until…

Jason: Are your windows up?

Me: What?

Jason: Are your windows up?

Me: What windows?

Jason: Your car windows.

Me: My car is in the garage. (Editor’s note: I NEVER leave my car windows down. Ever. EVER.)

Jason: But are your windows up?

Me, fully awake now: My car. Is in. The garage.

Jason: Are the windows up?

Me: You’re an idiot.

Jason: Did you just call me an idiot?

Me: THE CAR IS IN THE GARAGE!!!!!!!

Jason, after a long, snore-filled pause: I’m just looking out for you.

Finally

It’s been awhile since Jason talked in his sleep. His last few episodes were just loud moans punctuated by random kicking and flailing, which made having a queen-sized bed very unfortunate. Last week he was finally agitated enough to talk.

Jason: [SCREAMS while kicking madly]

Me: Hey!

Jason: NRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGH! [more kicking, plus punches]

Me: Shorty-I mean Jason, wake up! (I was dreaming about Shorty)

Jason, muttering unintelligibly: Something something something?

Me: Are you awake? What are you asking?

Jason, still muttering unintelligibly, but with a definite rise in his voice at the end so his muttering appears to be a question: Something something SOMETHING?

Me, annoyed: Whatever it is you’re asking, the answer is no.

Jason: [quiet]

Me: [rolls eyes]

Jason, suddenly: HEE HEE HEE!!! Now they’re in the f—ing ditch! (Editor’s note: He actually said the words, “HEE HEE HEE.” It was very odd.)

Me: Argh!

Jason: [sound asleep]

Me: [wide awake]

Next time he’ll probably dream about being gummed by bunnies

Sunday, 3:00 a.m.:

Jason, sleep-talking: AAHHHHH! No!

Me: Wake up, Jason!

Jason: AAARRRGH!

Me: Jason, you’re dreaming. Wake up!

Jason: Get off me!

Me: You’re having a nightmare – it’s OK!

Jason: Squirrels are biting my neck!

Me: Um, OK. But it’s just a dream!

Jason, flailing: AAAAAH! Here comes another one!

The next morning:

Me: You talked in your sleep again.

Jason: I did?

Me: Yeah. You were pretty agitated.

Jason: Oh yeah! Baby alligators were biting my feet!

Me: Yea…wait, no. Squirrels were biting your neck.

Jason: Huh? I don’t remember that. I remember trying to climb up a steep, muddy hill and baby alligators were trying to bite my feet.

Me: Wow, that…is actually pretty horrifying.

Jason: Every time I’d climb up the hill, I’d slide back down.

Me: How come you dream about relatively harmless animals trying to attack you? Like the time a skunk ran backwards on your chest to spray you?

Jason: I don’t know, but that dream was scary.

Me: And now squirrels and baby alligators.

Jason, defensively: Well, adult alligators were in my dream, too. They were just hanging back and watching.