Pickles & Dimes

More goofy searches that led people to this site.

“Can’t hear after sneezing”

I’m sorry – what? I just sneezed. (Seriously, though – can you imagine? That must be some serious sneezing.)

“Metallica wedding”

We were this close to having a Metallica song for the sand ceremony. (It would’ve been classy – “Enter Sandman” played by Harptallica.)

“Ideal jeopardy categories”

We talk about this a lot while getting our butts kicked during Buffalo Wild Wings trivia.

Today’s ideal categories:
- X-Files
- Charlie Sheen Movies
- Is this Gary Busey or Nick Nolte?
- Fantasy Football Players That Will Have Huge Weeks After Shauna Drops Them From Her Team
- Stephen King Books
- Stalking Habits of House Centipedes

“Pickles dimes middle name”

It’s “&.”

Duh.

“Soup starter discontinued”

It’s actually not discontinued, just repackaged under a difference parent company. Unlike Chewels, whose untimely passing I mourn every day.

“Dollop tumor”

At first I thought, “There’s NO way they found this site with that search.” Then I remembered this entry.

“Buy heart shaped pickles”

Perfect for Valentine’s Day! (“Dear Honey, I love you now and always will, so here’s a jar of Kosher Dills.”)

More strange searches that led people to this site:

“Lohan burger”

They should totally market burgers with busted celebrity mug shots on the wrapper. “Would you like fries with your Nolte Burger, sir?”

“Tuberculosis twins”

I had two former coworkers who were perhaps the most germ-riddled individuals I’ve ever seen. What’s worse, they were best friends, and I assume they just kept swapping their diseases back and forth for eternity, or until one of them finally succumbed to her constant coughing by horfing up her left lung.

“Sexy asthma”

HA HA HAHAHAH. Ask Jason how sexy this is, when in the middle of kissing him, I have to go run to use my inhaler. On second thought, I could totally parlay this into some cheesy notion that “he takes my breath away.” Yes, that’s it.

“Where do you meet players metrodome”

I don’t know, but I would love to meet Pat Neshek, who totally kicks ass; or Justin Morneau, who eats constantly at Jimmy John’s; or Michael Cuddyer, whom I lovingly refer to as “Eye Candy.”

“Cannibalistic goldfish”

Our 25-cent goldfish are gigantic. I mean, really – they’re HUGE. And when one of the original fish started to not be as lively, if you know what I mean, the rest of them started gnawing on him. It was disgusting, and when we decided to flush the fish down the toilet, even though it was still technically alive, I made Jason flush the toilet again approximately 230948098 times. I already have to keep vigilant about the house centipedes; like I need to worry about vengeful goldfish.

“How to shut up bully coworker”

I recommend lots of sarcastic comments at their expense. Seriously. Bullies are not smart and they don’t expect anyone to fight back. If that doesn’t work? Duct tape.

“Rocklahoma review rhino bucket”

Oh, poor Jason. He wanted to go to Rocklahoma so very bad. And it didn’t help that by listening to Dee Snider’s “House of Hair,” he kept hearing how awesome Rocklahoma was. He was very sad, starring in his own version of an informercial: “For just pennies a day, this man’s spirit could be uplifted by classic 80s heavy metal music. Won’t you help?” [cue teardrop]

Again, the number #1 search that led people to this site was “jolly troll.” I am strongly considering starting an online petition to bring the Jolly Troll back to Minnesota. Seriously. Like everyone else, I only want what I cannot have, and apparently what I want is to be entertained by animatronic trolls while I eat chicken fingers.

Here’s the rest of the searches for last month:

“explosive sneezing”

My previous job featured a woman who sneezed at least 9 times in a row EVERY SINGLE DAY. And they were not graceful little bunny sneezes either. They were sneezes that made everybody stop working because they had to make sure their computer monitor wasn’t going to shatter or that the building foundation wasn’t going to crumble.

Imagine my happiness when I moved to this job and found that I will now be serenaded daily by a coworker whose vociferous sneezes sound like a large dog (perhaps a German Shepherd) barking ferociously. EVERY DAY.

“dimes & toilet”

Ummm…okay. Really?

“alligator vest”

I know that making wallets and boots and purses out of alligators is wrong, but have you seen alligators? I mean, the way they twist and roll and drown their victims with their unblinking eyes and dinosaurian cold-bloodedness, or the way they nonchalantly hang out in swimming pools and Floridian kitchens…gaaaaaah.

“two free lawn tickets with cd poison”

Don’t talk to Jason about this. He bought the CD and was hoping to get the free tickets, only Minneapolis was one of the few sites NOT to have lawn seating. It was a sad day. Also, do not mention Rocklahoma either.

“index of pps peeing”

Ew. What is this? Gross!

“why is dustin diamond such a douchebag”

Well, it might have to do with the fact that he enjoys confrontation, insists on people not calling him “Screech” even though he looks exactly the same as he did while on “Saved by the Bell,” hasn’t done anything substantial since then besides a crappy celebrity fighting show and his own adult film, and is a total douchebag.

“hairy centipedes different picture”

How about this one?

For scale, that green thing is planet Earth.

“the effect of punching someone in the throat”

Well, for all my talking about it, I’ve never done it, so I can’t honestly say. You could pretend to be my optometrist and touch my eye if you’d like to find out, though.

Last month had a lot of repeat searches: “cheesy tots” was the big winner, followed closely by “Jolly Troll” and “Sonic locations in MN.” Here’s some new searches:

“The Thing”

Jason and I have a miniature figurine of The Thing. He is our unofficial travel mascot – despite his overall grumpy attitude – and he’s accompanied us to Mexico, Chicago and Las Vegas. Once we ease ourselves into the 21st century and buy a digital camera, you’ll see more of him. (His Vegas photos are still in the camera and that trip was 2 months ago.) You can see his previous adventures here.

“Diablo Cody autograph”

Diablo Cody is a local gal who used to be a stripper and wrote a book about it. Jason bought this book. Now Diablo is semi-famous and working on a movie based on one of her books.

“Squid Knit”

There’s a very cute squid hat knitting pattern out on the Internet, which I’m not going to link to, because the pattern makes absolutely NO SENSE. Someday, I will not only fulfill my promise to make one for a friend, but also I will share my clearly written and easily understandable pattern with the world.

“Gum with gel inside”

That would be Chewels, which is no longer made. However, I have found a decent enough substitute in a gum called Bubbaloo, which is made by Cadbury Adams. The flavor lasts about 27 seconds, but it makes excellent bubbles, which I like to blow when Jason’s arguing with me because it annoys him.

“Coworkers whispering at work”

Oh my god. I wish I had this problem. I work in a large open area called a bay, and people have decided that the area right next to this bay is the perfect spot to have meetings AT TOP VOLUME, punctuated with lots of HEARTY LAUGHTER. I am also right next to the kitchen (which is not enclosed), so I am subjected to constant MICROWAVING BEEPING and noisy FOOD CHEWERS and SILVERWARE DROPPERS and people who subsist on frozen water because they are endlessly filling large containers WITH HUNDREDS OF ICE CUBES.