“My child is waking up with bites”

I need more specifics here. Bug bites? Meh. Human bites? Now we’re talking.

“Do time warps exist”

Yes. At my workplace. Every day I live the hours of 1:30 to 5:00 in a giant vortex that makes me endure five lifetimes before it spits me back out. It’s located next to the receptionist’s desk.

“Cheek tingling cheese”

Um…which cheeks are you referring to? The upper cheeks or the lower? Because there’s a huge difference.

“What is sleep apathy”

Not apnea, but apathy: Eh, sleep. I can take it or leave it. Also, I think I now have this, since I was mostly immune to Jason’s latest half-asleep escapade:

Shauna: ZZZZZZZZ

Jason, screaming: F-YOU!

Shauna: Oh, for cripe’s sake (rolls over)

Jason, yelling: LET GO OF THE F’ING DOG!!!

Shauna, poking Jason in the back: Wake up!

Jason, kicks and punches, flails around

Shauna: ZZZZZZZZ

“How to pronounce rainer cherries”

Like this: MMMMMMMM.

“Centipede shower”

For the love of God, the first thing I imagined wasn’t a lone centipede in the shower, but a giant showerhead that sprayed thousands of creepy, crawly centiepedes instead of water. Guess what’s starring in tonight’s nightmare?

“Pickles tested by olympic softball team”

“Pickle sustained major structural damage after first baseman used it for batting practice.”

“Warehouse manager teeny foods”

Hee! I picture teeny shopping carts and teeny paper bags to load up the teeny food. Also, teeny receipts.

“Ten things to do so you are not lonely”

This one just makes me sad.

“Where do you buy ham loaves”

At Teeny Foods, of course!

“Dog poop from backyard smells awful in spring”

Like it’s all rose and lavender-scented otherwise.

“Got hit by a large truck carrying pillows”

The trucking company? Irony Industries.

Well, it can’t be any worse than using that stupid 2000 Flushes tablet as far as preventing your toilet from flushing.

“Dustin Diamond butter”

Here’s what happens when you search for one of the things I dislike the most with one of the things I love the most.

“Find puffcorn in Vegas”

What gets eaten in Vegas, stays in Vegas. And seriously, you’re in Vegas, with plenty of entertainment and sights, and you’re concerned about finding PUFFCORN? That’s hardcore.

“House centipedes reviews”

I give these house centipedes FIVE STARS!!! They’re great, especially with their ability to wait until I’m naked and defenseless to make their appearance! Would do business with again! A+++++++!

“Petco phone interview went okay”

Not great, but okay. I like to imagine why it only went okay. “Do you like animals?” “No.” “OK, we’ll let you know.”

“Rabid raccoon army”

We went camping last year and let’s just say the animals in the woods messed with us and leave it at that.

“Childrens in our life”

Right now, no childrens. And if they look anything like these children, it’ll remain that way.

“Smelling flowers and butt pops up”

Such detailed problems these google searchers have, huh?

“Toes are very skilled”

Definitely a quote from Jason. Do you know how weird it is to be folding laundry with him, when something falls out of the dryer onto the floor, and without missing a beat in either his clothes folding or his conversation, he uses his toes to pick up the fallen item and replace it into the laundry basket? Well, it’s very weird.

“July 32nd”

Yes, my plan is gaining momentum! I’ll draw up a petition.

“So I said rectum and you killed him good work”

HA HA!

“Monkey asses”

This was our code word when Jason was quitting smoking. I was also giving up Mt. Dew at the time. We called this code word whenever one of us was being a tool and the other wanted them to back off. Approximate number of times I screeched it like a howler monkey: one billion.

“Stinky cat poop pudding”

Don’t knock it; it’s only got 35 calories.

“Knit my child a tank”

I hope they meant a tank top, because otherwise how disappointed is that kid going to be when his G.I. Joe has to ride around in a knitted army toy?

“Do mice hoard d con pellets”

What else are they going to throw into the pot during their weekly poker games in our garage?

“Shauna’s boobs”

404 Error – Not found

“All granny panty”

Not all, some. Especially on laundry day.

“Mathematical equation stitching on a baseball”

This is probably from Tessie or Swistle. Oh, those math nerds!

“Where to find small jello moles”

They meant “molds,” right? Because otherwise I think I know what’s living underneath our front yard: In a world, where evil comes out only at night…to feast on human flesh…it’s the JELLO MOLE!!!

“Sport jacket peanut butter leather”

The follow-up search: “Why thousands deer attracted to jacket?”

“I hit my head on a burger king lamp”

HA HA HA HAHAHAHHA. Sorry. I say you sue that Burger King mascot. He totally deserves it. I can even recommend some lawyers: Wendy and Jimmy John MacDonalds. And their paralegal, Taco John Whitecastle.

“Science Friday junior high school experiments root beer”

You should hang out with us on a Friday night. Because we get wild and crazy and try to see how many marshmallows we can fit into our mouths at once, and we also perform root beer taste tests. Oh, the shenanigans!

“Rib cartilage falls off”

This happened to Jason. It was weird and unexplainable. Also: painful.

I’m kidding. Kind of. Try to give me some work and see what happens!

Anyway, enjoy the latest installment of weird searches that led people to this site.

“How many dimes make up one mole”

I don’t know, but our front yard (hopefully) contains a dead mole somewhere within its bowels. And we spent approximately 356 dimes to (hopefully) accomplish this. By the way, the whole “killing moles by burying Juicy Fruit” trick? Doesn’t work. Am out 36 dimes.

“My upper lip is tingling”

This happens to me about once every 2 months. I don’t know what causes it, but I annoy Jason by making him describe play-by-play style how fat my lip is becoming.

“I hate joe buck”

Me too, mystery person…me too. If you’re considering a career change, may I suggest sports broadcasting? There appears to be a shortage of good talent, as Joe Buck is being employed to broadcast both football and baseball games. And someone thought hiring Tony Kornheiser was a good idea as well. Seriously, sports broadcasting – look into it.

“School sports torch ceremony girls pictures”
So, someone’s trying to see if I actually carried the Olympic torch, huh? Listen, if you ever do find a picture, SEND IT TO ME. Mainly so I can gloat about it.

“Crack you are empty”

And Heroin, you are running low!

“Knit patterns for dropkick murphys”

We just saw these guys in concert and there was a guy there wearing a knitted hat and a bona-fide kilt. And I silently prayed, “Please don’t let this guy crowd-surf.”

“Removes my eye with her fingernail”

They must go to my eye doctor.

“Bacon on shower walls”

Now there’s a way to get me up earlier in the mornings. Mmmm…bacon shower.

“Justin morneau lung”

Let’s see. I’m going to be naughty and perform a google search on a baseball MVP and his body part. But which player and which body part? “A-Rod’s spleen?” “Manny’s Appendix?” “Clemens’ Gall Bladder?” Oh wait, I’ve got it: “Justin Morneau Lung.”

“Slow flush toilet blue tablet”

Here’s how you fix that problem:

Step 1: Swear at toilet.
Step 2: Swear at blue tablet.
Step 3: Remove blue tablet.
Step 4: Swear at mess left by blue tablet.
Step 5: Flush.
Step 6: Repeat Step 5.
Step 7: Call husband joyously after toilet works.

“Can’t hear after sneezing”

I’m sorry – what? I just sneezed. (Seriously, though – can you imagine? That must be some serious sneezing.)

“Metallica wedding”

We were this close to having a Metallica song for the sand ceremony. (It would’ve been classy – “Enter Sandman” played by Harptallica.)

“Ideal jeopardy categories”

We talk about this a lot while getting our butts kicked during Buffalo Wild Wings trivia.

Today’s ideal categories:
- X-Files
- Charlie Sheen Movies
- Is this Gary Busey or Nick Nolte?
- Fantasy Football Players That Will Have Huge Weeks After Shauna Drops Them From Her Team
- Stephen King Books
- Stalking Habits of House Centipedes

“Pickles dimes middle name”

It’s “&.”

Duh.

“Soup starter discontinued”

It’s actually not discontinued, just repackaged under a difference parent company. Unlike Chewels, whose untimely passing I mourn every day.

“Dollop tumor”

At first I thought, “There’s NO way they found this site with that search.” Then I remembered this entry.

“Buy heart shaped pickles”

Perfect for Valentine’s Day! (“Dear Honey, I love you now and always will, so here’s a jar of Kosher Dills.”)