It’s been awhile since I’ve done this, so here’s the latest searches that led people to this site…
“My child is waking up with bites”
I need more specifics here. Bug bites? Meh. Human bites? Now we’re talking.
“Do time warps exist”
Yes. At my workplace. Every day I live the hours of 1:30 to 5:00 in a giant vortex that makes me endure five lifetimes before it spits me back out. It’s located next to the receptionist’s desk.
“Cheek tingling cheese”
Um…which cheeks are you referring to? The upper cheeks or the lower? Because there’s a huge difference.
“What is sleep apathy”
Not apnea, but apathy: Eh, sleep. I can take it or leave it. Also, I think I now have this, since I was mostly immune to Jason’s latest half-asleep escapade:
Jason, screaming: F-YOU!
Shauna: Oh, for cripe’s sake (rolls over)
Jason, yelling: LET GO OF THE F’ING DOG!!!
Shauna, poking Jason in the back: Wake up!
Jason, kicks and punches, flails around
“How to pronounce rainer cherries”
Like this: MMMMMMMM.
For the love of God, the first thing I imagined wasn’t a lone centipede in the shower, but a giant showerhead that sprayed thousands of creepy, crawly centiepedes instead of water. Guess what’s starring in tonight’s nightmare?
“Pickles tested by olympic softball team”
“Pickle sustained major structural damage after first baseman used it for batting practice.”
“Warehouse manager teeny foods”
Hee! I picture teeny shopping carts and teeny paper bags to load up the teeny food. Also, teeny receipts.
“Ten things to do so you are not lonely”
This one just makes me sad.
“Where do you buy ham loaves”
At Teeny Foods, of course!
“Dog poop from backyard smells awful in spring”
Like it’s all rose and lavender-scented otherwise.
“Got hit by a large truck carrying pillows”
The trucking company? Irony Industries.