Goofy Google searches – Part I

More strange searches that led people to this site:

“Lohan burger”

They should totally market burgers with busted celebrity mug shots on the wrapper. “Would you like fries with your Nolte Burger, sir?”


“Tuberculosis twins”

I had two former coworkers who were perhaps the most germ-riddled individuals I’ve ever seen. What’s worse, they were best friends, and I assume they just kept swapping their diseases back and forth for eternity, or until one of them finally succumbed to her constant coughing by horfing up her left lung.


“Sexy asthma”

HA HA HAHAHAH. Ask Jason how sexy this is, when in the middle of kissing him, I have to go run to use my inhaler. On second thought, I could totally parlay this into some cheesy notion that “he takes my breath away.” Yes, that’s it.


“Where do you meet players metrodome”

I don’t know, but I would love to meet Pat Neshek, who totally kicks ass; or Justin Morneau, who eats constantly at Jimmy John’s; or Michael Cuddyer, whom I lovingly refer to as “Eye Candy.”


“Cannibalistic goldfish”

Our 25-cent goldfish are gigantic. I mean, really – they’re HUGE. And when one of the original fish started to not be as lively, if you know what I mean, the rest of them started gnawing on him. It was disgusting, and when we decided to flush the fish down the toilet, even though it was still technically alive, I made Jason flush the toilet again approximately 230948098 times. I already have to keep vigilant about the house centipedes; like I need to worry about vengeful goldfish.


“How to shut up bully coworker”

I recommend lots of sarcastic comments at their expense. Seriously. Bullies are not smart and they don’t expect anyone to fight back. If that doesn’t work? Duct tape.


“Rocklahoma review rhino bucket”

Oh, poor Jason. He wanted to go to Rocklahoma so very bad. And it didn’t help that by listening to Dee Snider’s “House of Hair,” he kept hearing how awesome Rocklahoma was. He was very sad, starring in his own version of an informercial: “For just pennies a day, this man’s spirit could be uplifted by classic 80s heavy metal music. Won’t you help?” [cue teardrop]