Goofy Google searches – part IV

It’s that time again!

“Stinky cat poop pudding”

Don’t knock it; it’s only got 35 calories.

“Knit my child a tank”

I hope they meant a tank top, because otherwise how disappointed is that kid going to be when his G.I. Joe has to ride around in a knitted army toy?

“Do mice hoard d con pellets”

What else are they going to throw into the pot during their weekly poker games in our garage?

“Shauna’s boobs”

404 Error – Not found

“All granny panty”

Not all, some. Especially on laundry day.

“Mathematical equation stitching on a baseball”

This is probably from Tessie or Swistle. Oh, those math nerds!

“Where to find small jello moles”

They meant “molds,” right? Because otherwise I think I know what’s living underneath our front yard: In a world, where evil comes out only at night…to feast on human flesh…it’s the JELLO MOLE!!!

“Sport jacket peanut butter leather”

The follow-up search: “Why thousands deer attracted to jacket?”

“I hit my head on a burger king lamp”

HA HA HA HAHAHAHHA. Sorry. I say you sue that Burger King mascot. He totally deserves it. I can even recommend some lawyers: Wendy and Jimmy John MacDonalds. And their paralegal, Taco John Whitecastle.

“Science Friday junior high school experiments root beer”

You should hang out with us on a Friday night. Because we get wild and crazy and try to see how many marshmallows we can fit into our mouths at once, and we also perform root beer taste tests. Oh, the shenanigans!

“Rib cartilage falls off”

This happened to Jason. It was weird and unexplainable. Also: painful.

Goofy Google searches – part III

Well, it’s that time of the day during that time of the week where I adopt the attitude of a cranky teenager. Any work requests made of me are met with drawn-out sighs and eye rolls, along with deep-suffering moans to infer the great tragedy that I have to DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE – GOD.

I’m kidding. Kind of. Try to give me some work and see what happens!

Anyway, enjoy the latest installment of weird searches that led people to this site.

“How many dimes make up one mole”

I don’t know, but our front yard (hopefully) contains a dead mole somewhere within its bowels. And we spent approximately 356 dimes to (hopefully) accomplish this. By the way, the whole “killing moles by burying Juicy Fruit” trick? Doesn’t work. Am out 36 dimes.

“My upper lip is tingling”

This happens to me about once every 2 months. I don’t know what causes it, but I annoy Jason by making him describe play-by-play style how fat my lip is becoming.

“I hate joe buck”

Me too, mystery person…me too. If you’re considering a career change, may I suggest sports broadcasting? There appears to be a shortage of good talent, as Joe Buck is being employed to broadcast both football and baseball games. And someone thought hiring Tony Kornheiser was a good idea as well. Seriously, sports broadcasting – look into it.

“School sports torch ceremony girls pictures”
So, someone’s trying to see if I actually carried the Olympic torch, huh? Listen, if you ever do find a picture, SEND IT TO ME. Mainly so I can gloat about it.

“Crack you are empty”

And Heroin, you are running low!

“Knit patterns for dropkick murphys”

We just saw these guys in concert and there was a guy there wearing a knitted hat and a bona-fide kilt. And I silently prayed, “Please don’t let this guy crowd-surf.”

“Removes my eye with her fingernail”

They must go to my eye doctor.

“Bacon on shower walls”

Now there’s a way to get me up earlier in the mornings. Mmmm…bacon shower.

“Justin morneau lung”

Let’s see. I’m going to be naughty and perform a google search on a baseball MVP and his body part. But which player and which body part? “A-Rod’s spleen?” “Manny’s Appendix?” “Clemens’ Gall Bladder?” Oh wait, I’ve got it: “Justin Morneau Lung.”

“Slow flush toilet blue tablet”

Here’s how you fix that problem:

Step 1: Swear at toilet.
Step 2: Swear at blue tablet.
Step 3: Remove blue tablet.
Step 4: Swear at mess left by blue tablet.
Step 5: Flush.
Step 6: Repeat Step 5.
Step 7: Call husband joyously after toilet works.

Goofy Google searches – Part II

More goofy searches that led people to this site.

“Can’t hear after sneezing”

I’m sorry – what? I just sneezed. (Seriously, though – can you imagine? That must be some serious sneezing.)

“Metallica wedding”

We were this close to having a Metallica song for the sand ceremony. (It would’ve been classy – “Enter Sandman” played by Harptallica.)

“Ideal jeopardy categories”

We talk about this a lot while getting our butts kicked during Buffalo Wild Wings trivia.

Today’s ideal categories:
– X-Files
– Charlie Sheen Movies
– Is this Gary Busey or Nick Nolte?
– Fantasy Football Players That Will Have Huge Weeks After Shauna Drops Them From Her Team
– Stephen King Books
– Stalking Habits of House Centipedes

“Pickles dimes middle name”

It’s “&.”


“Soup starter discontinued”

It’s actually not discontinued, just repackaged under a difference parent company. Unlike Chewels, whose untimely passing I mourn every day.

“Dollop tumor”

At first I thought, “There’s NO way they found this site with that search.” Then I remembered this entry.

“Buy heart shaped pickles”

Perfect for Valentine’s Day! (“Dear Honey, I love you now and always will, so here’s a jar of Kosher Dills.”)

Goofy Google searches – Part I

More strange searches that led people to this site:

“Lohan burger”

They should totally market burgers with busted celebrity mug shots on the wrapper. “Would you like fries with your Nolte Burger, sir?”

“Tuberculosis twins”

I had two former coworkers who were perhaps the most germ-riddled individuals I’ve ever seen. What’s worse, they were best friends, and I assume they just kept swapping their diseases back and forth for eternity, or until one of them finally succumbed to her constant coughing by horfing up her left lung.

“Sexy asthma”

HA HA HAHAHAH. Ask Jason how sexy this is, when in the middle of kissing him, I have to go run to use my inhaler. On second thought, I could totally parlay this into some cheesy notion that “he takes my breath away.” Yes, that’s it.

“Where do you meet players metrodome”

I don’t know, but I would love to meet Pat Neshek, who totally kicks ass; or Justin Morneau, who eats constantly at Jimmy John’s; or Michael Cuddyer, whom I lovingly refer to as “Eye Candy.”

“Cannibalistic goldfish”

Our 25-cent goldfish are gigantic. I mean, really – they’re HUGE. And when one of the original fish started to not be as lively, if you know what I mean, the rest of them started gnawing on him. It was disgusting, and when we decided to flush the fish down the toilet, even though it was still technically alive, I made Jason flush the toilet again approximately 230948098 times. I already have to keep vigilant about the house centipedes; like I need to worry about vengeful goldfish.

“How to shut up bully coworker”

I recommend lots of sarcastic comments at their expense. Seriously. Bullies are not smart and they don’t expect anyone to fight back. If that doesn’t work? Duct tape.

“Rocklahoma review rhino bucket”

Oh, poor Jason. He wanted to go to Rocklahoma so very bad. And it didn’t help that by listening to Dee Snider’s “House of Hair,” he kept hearing how awesome Rocklahoma was. He was very sad, starring in his own version of an informercial: “For just pennies a day, this man’s spirit could be uplifted by classic 80s heavy metal music. Won’t you help?” [cue teardrop]