Our treadmill is still broken and awaiting a new control panel/sensor/capacitor (I assume this is the part that likes to mess with me mentally by randomly slowing down so that 2-3 seconds go by without the distance changing), so we decided to run outside. Here’s how that worked out:
Shoes: Oh hey, our mesh exterior lets in ALL the cold air!
Face: Um, why are we running into the wind? You know it’s only 30 degrees out, right? And you saw how that giant American flag at the fire station was completely horizontal, yes?
Hands: We’re covered with gloves and yet we’re still freezing!
Lungs: Uh…you remembered to take your inhaler first, right?
Lungs: It’s cool. We’ll just repay you later with a 5-minute coughing fit. Nothing we love better than cold air crackling in our asthma-infected tissues!
Legs: No me gusta.
Shoes: HA! We became untied already — 3 minutes in. New record!
Eyes: How is Jason so far ahead of us so soon???
Jerkwad’s driveway/sidewalk: Hey, hope you enjoyed dodging the Ice Path of Death since I am apparently the only homeowner in the city who has not shoveled.
Stopwatch: Wow. You ran this mile in 10:21 despite running into the wind, stopping to tie your shoe and feeling as though you’re running in quicksand in a stop-motion film run at half speed.
Brain: How is that possible?
iPod: I like to think it’s because of you having Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding out for a hero” on your playlist…like all badasses do.
Legs: I know we’re numb from the cold and all, but we really need to walk right now.
Lungs: Hey, just saying — because I’m sure you’ve noticed — but we’re not really “breathing” right now. All the air you’re inhaling is immediately getting exhaled – it’s not even reaching us!
Nose: You know what’s great? Exertion and cold air! Now you’re not the only one running! HA HA!
Jerkwad’s driveway/sidewalk: Ooh, I bet that jerking motion you made as you started to slip on the ice pulled a back muscle!
iPod: Because you’re so cold, I decided to shuffle to Rob Zombie’s “Numb.” Clever, huh? You’re welcome!
Lungs: It’s amazing how well we do using only 8 percent of our capacity.
Legs: We’re feeling awesome right now! For real, we’re not messing with you — for once.
Entire body: Yeah, this isn’t that bad, especially since you haven’t run in ages. We might be able to do that 7K next weekend without dying. No promises, though!
Stopwatch: You ran 2 miles in 22:08. Believe me, I am as surprised about this as you are.
Conclusion: I run faster when I’m cold and miserable.