Pickles & Dimes

I’ve been feeling putzy lately for no good reason whatsoever, which makes me feel even more putzy. “Putzy” is our term for a blah kind of day, one where nothing specifically negative happens, but you feel crappy nonetheless. When one of us feels this way, we come home from work and request an extra-long hug with extra-tight squeezes because of the “putzy.”

One reason for the putzy:
We got 5 new goldfish last week after the last of our 7-year-old goldfish died. All that was left in our aquarium was the godawful, creepy, prehistoric-looking algae eater. (Seriously, that damn thing is the size of a freaking stapler. I have been known to stare horrified at it while trying to determine if it’s still alive only to be startled into a panicky shout when one of the cats brushes up against me.)

So, old goldfish dead, creepy algae eater lurking in empty tank. Unacceptable. We got 5 new goldfish, all in various colors and from various pet stores (because they constantly tell us 1 or 2 goldfish is plenty for our nearly 30-gallon tank and if we get more we are FISH MURDERERS). (Never mind the fact that we had 5 goldfish in there previously that lived for nearly 7 years and grew to the size of chalkboard erasers.) (I am not sure why I keep comparing the size of our fish to office supplies.) (Help me.)

The first three fish we got seemed fine. So a few days later, we got another two. Then, a few days after that, I noticed white spots on some of the fish. Our water was as good as it could be, although the pH level was a bit high (as it usually is). Despite conditioning the water and attempting to lower the pH, 4 of the fish died this morning. In addition to the white spots (related to ich), they also appeared to have fin and tail rot (exactly what it sounds like). One of the fish was still alive, although he looked like he was two fin shakes from death, but I couldn’t bear to dispose of him, so we’ll see what he looks like tonight.

There are a million reasons why the fish could’ve died: our water could’ve been contaminated with some kind of bacteria (despite a water change), the new fish were too small to adapt to the higher pH, one of the new fish could’ve had something, the water was full of something evil being secreted by the algae eater (which explains its immunity), blah blah blah. Believe me, I’ve researched the hell out of what’s happened. But it’s still sort of depressing. Especially since we basically plopped the original 5 fish into the tank without a second thought and they lived for over 7 years. Bah. So I guess the fish store people are right: We are fish murderers.

Things that are combating the putzy:
The weather. I have been on the hunt for a new fall jacket (Jason says my 15-year-old suede jacket is no longer “fit for public viewing”) but since I am unwilling to pay $100 for a stupid coat, I haven’t found anything. That’s OK, since a few days ago it was 84 degrees out. I am still wearing short sleeves to work. This cold-weather reprieve is fantastic – for my mind and soul. And my checkbook, since I haven’t been forced to buy a coat yet. The weather also means that we still have our summer furniture outside. Whenever we have to put it into storage for the winter, I always feel strangely sad. Pushing that day back as long as possible makes me feel better.

Shortstop Enterprises. After months of joking about it, I bought Shorty a whiteboard. You read that right – a whiteboard. For our dog. He uses it to write up ideas for his new business, Shortstop Enterprises, along with other pearls of his canine wisdom. Here’s what he’s done so far:

Suggested a pumpkin-carving design:

Determined his company’s value proposition. Step 1. Steal underpants. Step 2. […] Step 3. Profit.

It’s silly and goofy and stupid, but it makes us laugh. And it helps beat down the putzy.

How do you deal with the putzy?

Jason and I love our house. At least once a week one of us will look up from some random task, sigh, and say, “This is a great house.” And the other will instantly stop what they’re doing to agree happily. It’s cozy, it’s the perfect size for us, the yard is huge, and it suits us.

When we moved in, we didn’t really have to do much to the inside of the house, so our first year was spent on landscaping. And that’s when we discovered the first of many stupid, stupid things the previous owners had done.

Landscaping rock overload. There are so many landscaping rocks in our yard. So many. I discovered this horrifying tidbit of information after I attempted to plant a rose bush in the backyard. After removing a thin layer of mulch and dirt, my trusty little spade hit what was probably a 10-inch wall of landscaping rock. It took me forever to dig a hole. That was nearly 7 years ago, and I am still very, very bitter. (That’s because there are so many other places I’d like to plant perennials. But I don’t have the mental or physical fortitude to deal with those ridiculous rocks.)

Lazy painting efforts. When we removed a large bush next to our garage, we were totally not delighted to find that the previous owners had just painted around it. They painted AROUND the bush. So our nice tan garage had a giant, bush-shaped blue splotch. They also painted around the hose reels on the house. We discovered that on Day 3 of home ownership, as both hose reels fell off when we attempted to use them for their designated purpose. But my main fury is reserved for this: When we replaced our gutters, fascia, soffit and downspouts last year, the contractor put the downspouts along the side of the house instead of the front so it would look better. But none of us knew that the previous homeowners had painted around the downspouts, too. So we had narrow stripes of blue on the front of our tan house. (The new downspouts are narrower than the old ones, so even moving them to the front wouldn’t have solved the problem.) And you know what? Computer paint-matching capabilities? Not even close!

Being jerks about landscaping. They cut down bushes but didn’t remove the roots. So after my 157th trip over a root, I’ve been ripping them out myself. (The more time that passes, the easier this is. This summer alone, I pulled 2 of the 3 remaining bush roots out with my bare hands.) The previous owners also left a weed tree to grow in the alley next to our garage. It grew to the point where it was actually pushing up the roof. Luckily, a storm came through 3 weeks after we moved in and removed the tree for us. Thanks, Nature!

No rational thought capacity regarding electricity usage. I know they had electricity in 1955, the year the house was built, so why there are only two outlets in the main bedroom baffles me. The last owners must’ve felt the same way, because when they added a bedroom in the basement, they put in at least 8 outlets. In a 10 x 10 room. Kind of ridiculous.

The garage door. Neither Jason nor I know anything about garage doors, but ours is jimmy-rigging at its finest. There are shims everywhere where the tracking meets the garage, and at one point a few weeks ago, the door actually came up crooked. While we looked at each other in horror (mentally calculating the cost of a new door and installation), it somehow fixed itself on the way down and has worked since. But that can’t bode well for whenever the temperature gets colder than 30 degrees because the door doesn’t close without manual assistance.

How about you? What crappy “improvements” did the previous owners of your house attempt?

Last year was the first time we didn’t give out Halloween candy. The neighborhood we’re in doesn’t have a lot of younger children anyway, but two years ago, the majority of the people that came to our door were teenagers without costumes holding gigantic pillowcases who grunt-demanded candy. Forget that.

How about you? Are you staying home and giving out candy this year?