Pickles & Dimes

Volumes 1-5 can be found here.

“BEEP BEEP BEEP!” says the alarm clock.

“IS IT TIME TO WAKE UP ALREADY?!? I’M STILL EXHAUSTED!” says Shauna.

“GOOD MORNING! DID MY 750 MEOWS KEEP YOU UP?” says Sunny.

“GOOD MORNING! I HAVE CAREFULLY HUNTED AND KILLED THESE BEANIE BABIES DURING THE NIGHT AND LAID THEM ON THE FLOOR FOR YOU TO TRIP OVER,” says Abby.

“GUESS WHAT? I WAS SO INVOLVED WITH CHASING A FLY AROUND THE HOUSE THAT I KNOCKED ALL YOUR PAPERWORK OFF THE COUNTER,” says Sunny.

“ALSO, I AM STARVING, AND ANGRY ABOUT SAID STARVING, SO I PEED IN THE KITCHEN SINK,” says Abby.

“ZZZZZZZ,” says Shorty.

“HA! EVEN THOUGH YOU CHECKED THE SHOWER FOR ME BEFORE YOU STEPPED IN, I WAS HIDING BEHIND THE CURTAIN! WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT I ALWAYS WIN?” says the house centipede.

“GOOD MORNING! I AM LEAKING FLUID. THIS IS WHY IT FEELS LIKE THE REAR TIRES ARE NOT CONNECTED TO THE CAR – WHEE!” says Shauna’s car’s rear strut.

“I AM TALKING ON MY PHONE WHILE LISTENING TO LOUD MUSIC AND LAUGHING WITH MY FRIEND – HAHAHAHHA! OOPSIE, DID I ALMOST RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD?” says the distracted commuter.

“MESSAGE! MESSAGE! MESSAGE!” says Shauna’s work voicemail.

“I HAVE A PROJECT FOR YOU. IT NEEDS TO BE DONE RIGHT AWAY. I AM AT A WORK SITE, OTHERWISE I WOULD DO IT,” says the voice message from Shauna’s coworker.

“WHILE YOU WERE LISTENING TO THAT FIRST MESSAGE, I RECEIVED ANOTHER MESSAGE! ANOTHER MESSAGE! ANOTHER MESSAGE!” says Shauna’s work voicemail.

“I HAVE ADDITIONAL LABOR-INTENSIVE CHANGES TO THIS PROJECT THAT I COULD DO MYSELF BUT AM GIVING TO YOU INSTEAD. YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF THAT BOTH OF MY ARMS ARE BROKEN, IF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER,” says the voice message from Shauna’s coworker.

“DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME!” says Shauna’s to-do list.

[Later]

“I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT SOME CHANGES TO MY PROJECT THAT TOTALLY CANCEL OUT MY PREVIOUS CHANGES. YOU NEED TO REDO EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOU SHOULD’VE BEEN ABLE TO SEE INTO THE FUTURE AND KNOW WHAT I WANTED,” says Shauna’s coworker.

“GRRR! BUT I HAVE OTHER DEADLINES!” says Shauna.

“IT’S OK! WE’RE NOT DUE UNTIL LATER…TODAY,” say the other deadlines.

“HA HA HA! YOU WILL NEVER GET ME UNDER CONTROL! I AM A TORNADO! OF PAPERWORK!” says Shauna’s to-do list.

[Later]

“I’M BACK!” says Shauna’s coworker.

Guess what, kids? This is a Zombie Project! It keeps coming back after I think I’ve killed it.

How do we kill zombies? Let’s see what the Internet recommends!

Internet Zombie-Killing Guide:

1. Crush their skull with a crowbar!

2. Set them on fire!

3. Run them over with a car!

4. Put them into a wood chipper!

5. Shoot them in the head!

6. Bury them in a pit of concrete!

7. Use a chainsaw!

8. Starve them to death!

9. Put them through a large meat grinder!

Shauna better not do any of these things, though. That would be illegal, and she’d probably get arrested.

And then there wouldn’t be anyone left to do the work.

Except for the zombies.

THE END.