Pickles & Dimes

Hello. May I share my horror with you so I can relieve myself of the insanity?

No? Well, too bad, because my mind doesn’t want to think about this anymore.

We get mice in our garage. Usually it’s not a problem, because the plastic traps do their job and Jason and I dispose of little mice carcasses every fall. I mean, yeah, there was that one time where a trap caught a live mole, and the time Jason found only a head in a trap, oh, and the time one of the traps disappeared entirely (we still talk about how some mouse is roaming around Mouse Cul-de-Sac, bragging about his newest accessory, “Yeah, got it at that sweet place down the block.”)

But this year, either the mice have developed super strong limbs or Rapid Quickness, because weird, creepy things are happening. Thing the first: Jason found TWO mice in one trap. How does that happen? Thing the second: the mice are not dying instantly, so we routinely have to search the garage to find a trap, usually located underneath one of our vehicles, with a trapped mouse that is either a) mostly dead but not quite or b) dead but dangling by a teeny little appendage so there is a fairly good chance it will fall out of the trap on the way to the garbage and end my relationship with Sanity.

And then there is Thing the Third.

[Deep breath]

One morning last week, I opened the garage door from inside the house and walked outside. As I headed toward the garage, I saw something.

A mouse. Alive. Dragging a trap behind it.

I reacted by moaning some high-pitched gibberish and pointing at the garage.

Jason: What? I don’t see anything!

[Mouse continues to drag plastic trap behind it.] SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE

Me: Right there!!!

Jason: Nope. Don’t see it.

[Mouse has now dragged trap the entire length of the garage and is making a break for freedom through a trail of leaves outside.] RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE

Me: *Mind cannot comprehend the horror*

Jason, nonchalantly: Oh, now I see it!

So Jason walks over to the mouse, which has wedged itself between the side of our garage and our recycling bin. And luckily, it was facing the correct way, so all Jason had to do was step on the trap to release the clamp and the mouse scampered free.

But late in the night, if the moon is right and you’re listening carefully, you can still hear it.

RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE

SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE

My last confrontation with a printer is here.

Me: What is your problem, dude? You’re crumpling the corner of every page!

Printer: Not every corner. Just some.

Me: So you’re randomly being a douche, then.

Printer: It’s like a game. Will every other page be crumpled or maybe every third? Or fifth? Who knows!

Me: I’m just going to print this to the color printer instead.

Printer: But it’s a black & white document.

Me: Yep.

Printer: That’s a waste!

Me: So’s your face.

Printer: Real mature. Here’s a name for you: Toner Waster.

Me: Well, here’s one for you: Toe Stubber.

Printer: Oh, yeah! I distracted you with my paper crumpling, and then you stubbed your toe on that table over there. That was awesome. It drew blood, didn’t it?

Me: You know it did.

Printer: One of my finest moments.

Me: You want to hear about my finest moment?

Printer: Uh…sure.

Me: The day I took a sledgehammer to your stupid, plastic, paper-crumpling innards.

Printer: Wow. You have anger issues.

Me: No. I have printing issues. With you. The printer.

Printer: Why don’t you just put in a work order with IT instead of calling names?

Me: Because they’re too busy trying to figure out why my computer keeps giving me an error message when I try to open my email.

Printer, smirking: Aw, that’s a shame. Is that why you’re so crabby? Because you have to use two different programs? One with a tedious log-in process just to see emails and the other for access to your other files? Do you like how you can’t be in both programs at the same time?

Me: What would you know about that?

Printer: I plead the Fifth.

Me: How about when my computer freezes up every day at 2:30, requiring multiple restarts?

Printer: My lips are sealed.

Me: They’re going to be sealed permanently if you don’t start doing your job.

Printer: Someday you will do my bidding when machines rule the world!

Me: Until you can correctly print out an intact document, I’m not concerned.

Jason will sometimes hassle me for not updating this site as often as I used to, and I usually respond with gritted teeth and a steely, “I worked all day without a break on a 1,000-page RFP (true story), and my “lunch” was spent on the phone being transferred five times by barely-English-speaking people who work for our mortgage company (also a true story). I do not have the time.” And then he’ll tell me to quit being a whiner.

And then I’ll want to punch him in the ear.

ANYway, I just haven’t really felt like updating because I’m busy and nothing exciting has happened. It’s the same old-same old, only now I’m so stressed out/exhausted I fall asleep on the couch by 8:30 pm instead of 9:00.

But then, this happened:

Jason’s parents bought us a popup camper!

How awesome is that?

They bought themselves a used popup camper last summer. We borrowed it once last month and it was great. We told them someday we would love to get a popup camper like theirs for ourselves, after Jason gets a new job and we can afford it, something old and cheap but in decent shape, etc., etc.

So they’ve been keeping their eyes open for a popup for us and since they live in a small town where things cost 1/3 the price of things in the Twin Cities, they found a great deal. And then they presented it to us with a giant bow on it and said, “Here’s your birthday and Christmas present for the next few years.”

We couldn’t believe it. Becky, Jason’s mom, said, “We want to enjoy seeing you enjoy things rather than giving you money after we’re dead.”

It’s in fantastic shape, used maybe a dozen times in the past 11 years. It has a queen-sized bed on one side, a fridge and a microwave. A microwave! We are going to LOVE camping in it. Hopefully none of our friends have any weekend summer plans for us next year, because we are going to be unavailable.

To say we are excited and overwhelmed and filled with gratitude and hope and happiness at a time where nothing seems to be going our way would be an understatement.

Thank you so much, Bobby and Becky. You’re the best. We love you.

Me: [Sound asleep]

Jason: Hey!

Me: [Awake and annoyed] Grr…

Jason: Get away from there!

Me: [Plotting revenge but unable to do anything due to being pinned down by two sleeping cats]

Jason: Come on! You’re getting frosting all over the bed!

Me: Bwah?

Jason, once we’re both awake in the morning, “morning” equaling PITCH BLACKNESS OMG EARLY MORNING ALARM: Man, I had some weird dreams last night.

Me: Really?

Jason: Yeah, something to do with cake.