Pickles & Dimes

Have you guys seen the new show Surviving Disaster on the Discovery Channel? A former Navy Seal takes you through reenactments of disaster scenarios and tells you what to do to increase your chances of survival. I love this show. It’s too bad my workplace is located in a one-story building because I totally know how to use ethernet cables to rappel down the side of a flame-engulfed multi-story structure.

To continue my post-apocalyptic reading kick, I am now reading Blindness by Jose Saramago, which is about people suddenly going blind and being quarantined by the government in a heavily guarded mental institution. Naturally, within a few days, people start turning on each other. It’s so fascinating; I often wonder how society would react if a large-scale disaster (natural or man-made) happened to the entire U.S. If society had to start from square one, who would survive: those who become self-sufficient or those with weapons?

I also downloaded a 1988 publication titled Nuclear War Survival Skills. Great summertime reading! I found myself actually taking notes, which is both 1) kind of dumb, in a paranoid way and 2) OR IS IT? I totally need to create an emergency kit and practice my radiation fallout shelter trench digging.

Also? I need to read lighter fare. Recommendations?

We went camping with 10 other adults and 15 children. The socialization aspect was wonderful for Shorty, who behaved like a champ. He deserves some kind of special Snausage/Beggin Strip/Rawhide Bone of Saintlyhood for his behavior. I don’t think he napped at all during the day, what with all the hugging and ear tugging and tail straightening and muddy-hand petting and Matchbox car driving that was done to him. On the plus side, he slept like a log all night. Also? The weather was perfect.

Welcome! I wish there would’ve been other signs along the way, such as ones that would have alerted us to the fact that a narrow gravel path was actually the correct road. Oh well. The 2 miles we had to backtrack were very scenic.

Thou shall fill water-laden latex receptacles and catapult them across the land to vanquish your enemies! (this was the water balloon-launching station)

Hmmm…OK, Robin Hood. Your medieval transportation seems a bit technologically advanced, don’t you think?

Oh, come on! Like Robin Hood had to deal with roving bike gangs and trampoline-bouncing basketball thugs. Whatever. Or maybe he did, and that’s why moats were invented. Yes.

Mini golf! I picture knights trying to peer through their armor eyeholes to sink a putt. Hee!

An unfortunate side effect of tent camping: every sound is amplified and you are physically unable to sleep in. Harumph. The plus side: shots like this of the steam rising from the pool early in the morning.

Oh hai, were you scared by this? Yeah, well, that’s just Dolly Woodboy, who accompanies Jason’s brother on camping trips to frighten young children and adults who’ve seen too many Chucky movies. Here’s Dolly casually posed on a friend’s camper toilet, much to her horror and dismay, and everyone else’s raucous amusement.

Ha ha, slacker kids! You have to go back to school! I mean…aw, that sucks, dudes. (hahahhahahahahha)

I had this masthead idea a few months ago, and I kid you not, one of the magazines I subscribe to had this same type of image accompanying an article: chalkboard, flashcards, the whole deal. So now it looks like I ripped it from them.

But I didn’t.

Anyway, the chalkboard image is from Stock Xchange, the pickle and dime clip art is from Clipart Connection, the font is from Dafont, and I made the flash cards myself. And, of course, I had to use the best tagline ever.

In school, did your teachers ever make you write on the board if you got in trouble? If so, what did you have to write?

My teachers never did that, but if you acted up, you got your name written on the board, which was a BIG DEAL and you typically died of embarrassment. The one and only time I got my name written on the board was after the teacher told us all to be quiet. I waited about two seconds and couldn’t contain myself, because I turned to my friend next to me and blurted out, “Do you want to see my new clogs?”

I always wanted to be a sports reporter. In college, I was part of Campus News, the university news program. I wanted to do the sports, but it was dominated by idiot boys, so I was assigned to “Science” segments, which meant I spent a ridiculous amount of time befriending the resident cats at the NDSU cow barn, and I once got to do a story on cow diarrhea.

Anyway, at the Fair, Fox Sports North had a tent where you could record your own sports broadcast. When we got there, a woman who spoke English as a second language was doing it, and I thought, “Well, at least I can do as well as her.”

Um, no.

First, a few things:

- The teleprompter scrolled realllllllllllllllllllllly slowly. I am a fast reader, I swear to you.

- There was a split-second delay from hearing myself talk into the microphone to actually hearing my voice over the speakers.

- I would kill you if you said I have a Minnesota accent, but guess what? When I talk really slowly, I do! And funny enough, you really notice it on the word “Minnesota,” which I said approximately a thousmillion times.

- Jason is not a robot.

- I am also broadcasting this via Morse code, delivered through my eye-blinking.

- We are still laughing ourselves silly over this.

OK, that’s enough stalling. Here’s us being stereotypical Minn-e-SO-ta-sounding fools: