turn, turn, turn
This morning as I drove to work, my right turn signal started flashing way too fast. And my first thought was, “Where’s the nearest parking lot where I can torch this heap?” But then I got to work and Googled my way into a burned-out bulb diagnosis, found a garage a half-mile away that gives employees of my workplace a discount, and 30 minutes later I had a fully functioning car again. And it only cost me $15. That’s what I call a good car repair.
I think the phrase “Pulled a hammy” is funny. We get all these safety emails at work and since I am not a welder or need fall protection or work around drill rigs, they don’t apply to me. But I read them dutifully and take the safety quizzes (I won a gas card last time) and always laugh at the signoff statement: “Be sure to stretch for safety!” And now I’m probably going to end up pulling a hammy getting out of my office chair on the way to the vending machine.
Thanks to The Road, which most of you disliked intensely (by that I mean along the lines of, “If I could poop on this book and then start it on fire it would only convey 1/10th of my hatred”), I am on a post-apocalyptic book-reading kick. So I googled some titles and reserved them online through my library and yesterday one of them came in. It’s called The Taking by Dean Koontz, whom I really, really like. I noticed someone had posted a review, so I clicked on the link, hoping they would offer more to the plot than the miniscule library notes, and this is what the reviewer said, verbatim:
“I think Dean Koontz is always iffy though usually entertaining. This book has too many page filling words. I do not recommend.”
OMG, I have laughed for two days straight at this “review.” First of all, the phrase “always iffy though usually entertaining” is gold. I am going to adopt it as my personal tagline and if I ever publish a book, I will pay one of you to write that as an endorsement. Secondly, “too many page filling words” – what does this mean? Too many polysyllabic words? Not enough white space? No pictures? I feel a burning need to understand this person’s expectations.
Disclaimer: This post has too many page-filling words. Be sure to stretch for safety!
I would be all over those safety quizzes. We have to do all this safety training at work that has to do with labs and the nuclear reactor (even though I’ve never been in either one in the many years I have worked here). I ace all the tests and feel quite smug and science-y. Sorry for contaminating your comments section with page-filling words.
Comment by LoriD — August 18, 2009 @ 2:31 pm
I LOVE “pull a hammy” and also “roll an ank”.
I, uh, sort of know what that reviewer means about Dean Koontz. I always think he uses a lot of unnecessary words and goes a little overboard describing every little detail.
IFFY. Best descriptor ever.
Comment by Tessie — August 18, 2009 @ 2:32 pm
Be careful not to pull a hammy while laughing!
Comment by Jess — August 18, 2009 @ 2:34 pm
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That cracks me up. Page-filling words. Thanks for the laugh!
Also, I worked on the grounds crew at my college, and we all had to watch a ton of safety videos at the beginning of the summer, one of which centered around a guy named Charlie who got badly burned in some kind of oil refinery fire. PS. There is no oil refinery at my school. My husband and I (he worked on the crew too) still say “Remember Charlie!” to each other sometimes.
Comment by Becky — August 18, 2009 @ 2:38 pm
HA! Hahahahaha. Your disclaimer is making me laugh, and laugh and laugh.
Comment by nonsoccermom — August 18, 2009 @ 2:45 pm
I believe I just pulled a muscle from laughing at your Disclaimer. Shoulda stretched.
Comment by Emily — August 18, 2009 @ 3:43 pm
PAGE-FILLING WORDS! That is priceless.
Comment by Artemisia — August 18, 2009 @ 4:35 pm
Oh man…I pulled a hammy reading all your page filling words. What a pain in the butt
Comment by Sarah — August 18, 2009 @ 5:19 pm
Good thing I have the 24 inch monitor for all these damn WORDS.
Though often I’ll get a book and think, “I could use a bit more margin here, people.” Am I the only one? I hate inconveniencing the book and pulling on it’s poor spine so that I may read comfortably.
Comment by parkingathome — August 18, 2009 @ 5:48 pm
That may be the most entertaining, though iffy, book review I’ve ever read.
Comment by Fiona Picklebottom — August 19, 2009 @ 5:37 am
I love those kind of book reviews. I am sure I have written some “iffy” ones myself but I always think it is great when I come across them… they make me giggle with delight!
Pulled a hammy and he squashed his melon which I think I heard from a Canadian hockey player who has a weird thing to say about most injuries to the human body and was the only person I knew who could pull off says that kind of thing.
Comment by Christina — August 19, 2009 @ 7:59 am
HA HA HA HA HA!!! The nearest lot where you can torch that heap!!! HA HA HA!!
I LOVE apocalypse fiction. Girlfriend in a Coma by whatshisname (that Gen X guy) has too many page-filling words but is also SUPER GOOD. Skim the preachy stuff.
Douglas Coupland! That’s who wrote it.
Comment by Swistle — August 19, 2009 @ 6:37 pm
You MUST use that tagline! If not, I’m going to steal it.
Comment by slynnro — August 19, 2009 @ 10:12 pm
That review is Gold. I love it. Page-filling words, indeed! Bring on the blank pages ala New Moon!
Comment by Shelly — August 20, 2009 @ 10:18 am
“pull a hammy” cracks me up to no end.
Comment by Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy — August 20, 2009 @ 3:14 pm
Ow, I sprained my quad instead!
Comment by velocibadgergirl — August 31, 2009 @ 9:42 pm