Pickles & Dimes

I know I’ve said this before, but I crave alone time. I need it, just as much as I need the air I breathe and the Mountain Dews I drink.

My new job means less alone time; I’m in a high-profile desk area, so people are constantly dropping in, there’s a lot of lunch meetings and a lot of working through lunches, and I didn’t realize how much I came to depend on having my lunch hour to decompress and be alone with my thoughts, but I DID.

I tend to flee to my car most days now, to ensure I don’t get interrupted or asked to do something that could’ve waited until later or could’ve been done earlier if the person asking wasn’t such a procrastinator.

I drive to a nearby park with my portable lunches (currently salami and cheese sandwiches, which signify summer to me), where I find a nice shade tree to park next to, pull out a good book, and read. It is heaven. The days I can’t leave the office seriously affect my mood. I get home and Jason’s there, and all of a sudden it seems like I have NO SPACE. We made lasagna this weekend and I kept subtly trying to remove him from the kitchen by telling him I had it under control, and yet he kept hovering and I was about to say, “Seriously. LEAVE THE AREA,” before he commented on how much he liked cooking with me and wanted to help pour the sauce on the noodles. Which made me think: OH. That is really sweet. Sorry I am such a witch.

I don’t like feeling that way; a little bit claustrophic, a little bit tired of seeing people and hearing noise everywhere I go. I need quiet and I know sometimes I have to be proactive in asking for it, whether it’s at home with Jason (who is awesome about giving me space and quiet once someone actually gets her act together and requests it) or at work, where I’m starting to feel comfortable enough telling people, “You know what? I’m on lunch right now, but since you don’t need this right away, I’ll have it to you by 1:00.”

And luckily, this weekend we’re going camping for the first time this season and I am looking forward to it so much. The weather forecast calls for rain (of course) but I am going to use my mind powers to make it sunny. Do not doubt me.

So, are you the type of person who craves constant contact with people or do you crave alone time? If you do, how do you spend it? And if you don’t, what are you doing this weekend? (Can you tell I find it insane that it is only Tuesday?)

Pop machine: Well, well, well…what do we have here?

Me: Cram it. I NEED a can of caffeine.

Pop machine: And why is that?

Me: Because I’m exhausted all the time.

Pop machine: Look, the world’s tiniest pop machine violin plays for you.

Me: It’s not funny; I almost fell asleep driving to work the other day!

Pop machine: Aw, is the little lady having a hard time adjusting to actually working at her new job?

Me: Look, man. I have to get up an hour earlier, my commute is 3 times longer, my job is more stressful, I’ll probably have 5 phone messages and 15 emails by the time I get back to my desk-

Pop machine: Excuse me, the last time I checked, I was a cold beverage dispenser, not a therapist.

Me: Sorry. [inserts 75 cents, presses button for Mt. Dew]

Pop machine: HA HA. Exact change only, sucker.

Me: FRICK.

Pop machine: [dispenses 75 cents]. You don’t need this anyway. You weigh 3 lbs. more than you did a few weeks ago.

Me: How the hell would you know that?

Pop machine: I know ALL.

Me: Whatever.

Pop machine: Three pounds! Incidentally, how many hours did you spend on your butt watching the Biggest Loser finale?

Me: Um…three.

Pop machine: Interesting!

Me: Shut up. [walks back to desk to get correct change, then returns]. Here’s your precious exact change, Mr. anal-retentive.

Pop machine: Thanks. Hey, I did you a favor – think of the calories you burned walking all the way back!

Yesterday was windy. One of those days where you fight to keep your car on the road; where you look at your disheveled hair and think, “Eh, that’s as good as it’s gonna get,”; where you arrive home to find branches and clusters of leaves strewn all over the yard.

“Check this out,” Jason said, as we headed out to see a Twins game. He pointed at the two trees in our front yard, which used to have neat, landscaped circles of fresh cedar chips around their trunks.

The chips were almost gone, scattered in messy clumps all over the lawn.

“Squirrels?” I asked. (I blame everything on the squirrels, including stealing the bird suet, digging holes in the yard, and the economy.)

“Maybe,” Jason said. “Or the wind.”

It seemed totally feasible, so we went on our way. And I thought that was the end of it. Until this morning.

As I went into the bedroom to retrieve my purse, I saw two rabbits in our front yard. One was racing around, scampering up to its buddy then darting away, trying to start a friendly wrestling match. But the other couldn’t be bothered; he was too busy rolling and digging and tossing our cedar chips all over the yard.

I bet he learned it from those damn squirrels.

Judge: Your witness, Counselor.

Me: Please state your name and profession, sir.

USPS guy: I’m the USPS Guy and I deliver the mail.

Me: Uh-huh. And what is the USPS’s unofficial motto? “Neither snow nor rain nor heat of day nor gloom of night shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

USPS guy: Uh…Sure. Something like that.

Me: How about sunny, 75-degree skies?

USPS guy: Huh?

Me: Well, it was a beautiful day out and yet you were driving 50 in a 60 mph zone.

USPS guy: So?

Me: AND you were in the left lane. That is deemed mostly unacceptable by citizens of a civilized society.

USPS: I couldn’t get over because of the douche in the VW. He kept speeding up and slowing down for no reason.

Me: Interesting. No further questions.

Judge: Witness, you are excused.

Me: I’d like to call the next witness to the stand.

[Hippie VW driver is sworn in]

Me: Please tell the court why you were traveling 45 mph on the freeway.

Hippie: Hey man, I’m trying to conserve gas, you know? Save the world!

Me: Sure. Can you please look at this photograph labeled Exhibit A, and tell the court what it depicts?

Hippie: Looks like a photo of a speed limit sign.

Me: Yes. And what is that posted speed limit?

Hippie: Sixty miles per hour.

Me: And how fast were you going?

Hippie: I dunno.

Me: You were going 45.

Hippie: Whatever, man.

Me: Can you also explain how you could drive with no hands?

Hippie: What?

Me: You had one hand out the window holding a cigarette, and you were texting someone with the other.

Hippie: Yeah, so?

Me: So I was wondering how you were keeping your stupid hippie hair out of your eyes with no free hands.

Hippie: The wind was blowing it free. Like we all should be!

Me: I also want to know why your hands being occupied would have any effect on keeping your damn foot on the accelerator!

Hippie’s attorney: Objection! Badgering the witness.

Judge: Sustained.

Me: No further questions, your Honor. I just want it noted for the record that once I got past these two guys, there was no one on the freeway in front of them. NO ONE.

Judge: Duly noted.

Me: Also…get a haircut, hippie!