Man vs. Machine – redux
Pop machine: Well, well, well…what do we have here?
Me: Cram it. I NEED a can of caffeine.
Pop machine: And why is that?
Me: Because I’m exhausted all the time.
Pop machine: Look, the world’s tiniest pop machine violin plays for you.
Me: It’s not funny; I almost fell asleep driving to work the other day!
Pop machine: Aw, is the little lady having a hard time adjusting to actually working at her new job?
Me: Look, man. I have to get up an hour earlier, my commute is 3 times longer, my job is more stressful, I’ll probably have 5 phone messages and 15 emails by the time I get back to my desk-
Pop machine: Excuse me, the last time I checked, I was a cold beverage dispenser, not a therapist.
Me: Sorry. [inserts 75 cents, presses button for Mt. Dew]
Pop machine: HA HA. Exact change only, sucker.
Me: FRICK.
Pop machine: [dispenses 75 cents]. You don’t need this anyway. You weigh 3 lbs. more than you did a few weeks ago.
Me: How the hell would you know that?
Pop machine: I know ALL.
Me: Whatever.
Pop machine: Three pounds! Incidentally, how many hours did you spend on your butt watching the Biggest Loser finale?
Me: Um…three.
Pop machine: Interesting!
Me: Shut up. [walks back to desk to get correct change, then returns]. Here’s your precious exact change, Mr. anal-retentive.
Pop machine: Thanks. Hey, I did you a favor – think of the calories you burned walking all the way back!
I love these. Brilliance.
Comment by Shelly — May 14, 2009 @ 2:31 pm
Your life = my life. We are twins. Exhausted, desperately in need of caffeine twins.
Comment by Emily — May 14, 2009 @ 2:45 pm
man…you have a crazy mean soda machine at your new job. mine is expensive…but at least it doesn’t mock me haha
Comment by sarah — May 14, 2009 @ 3:11 pm
Man, it’s funny what an extra hour in the morning does to you regardless of when you go to bed, huh? Poor thing.
Comment by Parkingathome — May 14, 2009 @ 4:11 pm
You are too fabulous for words.
& those 3 pounds look AWESOME on you, I swear!
Comment by Shelly — May 14, 2009 @ 6:47 pm
Hope you kicked him right in the, um, shins?
Comment by Ellie — May 15, 2009 @ 7:18 am
Do you not do Diet Mt. Dew? Either way, is there an office fridge so you can bring your own? Cheaper AND no stupid machine to sass you.
Comment by Jess — May 15, 2009 @ 8:59 am
Hilarious!
Comment by Anne — May 15, 2009 @ 11:51 am
Funny, but I call it soft drinks, not soda or pop. we can still be friends, right?
Comment by kirida — May 15, 2009 @ 5:57 pm
Just want to say…..YOU are hilarious. Love reading your blog! haha
Comment by Beyond A Mommy — May 16, 2009 @ 4:22 pm
I was planning to lose fifteen pounds by the 27th of May, which is our annual health fair event. Instead? I’ve gained six. SIX. It could be the Dr Pepper I’ve been guzzling or the piles of pasta I’ve been cramming in my mouth. I’m not stressing until I can’t button my jeans.
Comment by amber — May 17, 2009 @ 3:46 am
Pop machine….oh you Midwesterners and your crazy vocab.
Comment by slynnro — May 17, 2009 @ 11:06 am