Traffic Elimination Center®, Judge Judy Edition
Judge: Your witness, Counselor.
Me: Please state your name and profession, sir.
USPS guy: I’m the USPS Guy and I deliver the mail.
Me: Uh-huh. And what is the USPS’s unofficial motto? “Neither snow nor rain nor heat of day nor gloom of night shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”
USPS guy: Uh…Sure. Something like that.
Me: How about sunny, 75-degree skies?
USPS guy: Huh?
Me: Well, it was a beautiful day out and yet you were driving 50 in a 60 mph zone.
USPS guy: So?
Me: AND you were in the left lane. That is deemed mostly unacceptable by citizens of a civilized society.
USPS: I couldn’t get over because of the douche in the VW. He kept speeding up and slowing down for no reason.
Me: Interesting. No further questions.
Judge: Witness, you are excused.
Me: I’d like to call the next witness to the stand.
[Hippie VW driver is sworn in]
Me: Please tell the court why you were traveling 45 mph on the freeway.
Hippie: Hey man, I’m trying to conserve gas, you know? Save the world!
Me: Sure. Can you please look at this photograph labeled Exhibit A, and tell the court what it depicts?
Hippie: Looks like a photo of a speed limit sign.
Me: Yes. And what is that posted speed limit?
Hippie: Sixty miles per hour.
Me: And how fast were you going?
Hippie: I dunno.
Me: You were going 45.
Hippie: Whatever, man.
Me: Can you also explain how you could drive with no hands?
Hippie: What?
Me: You had one hand out the window holding a cigarette, and you were texting someone with the other.
Hippie: Yeah, so?
Me: So I was wondering how you were keeping your stupid hippie hair out of your eyes with no free hands.
Hippie: The wind was blowing it free. Like we all should be!
Me: I also want to know why your hands being occupied would have any effect on keeping your damn foot on the accelerator!
Hippie’s attorney: Objection! Badgering the witness.
Judge: Sustained.
Me: No further questions, your Honor. I just want it noted for the record that once I got past these two guys, there was no one on the freeway in front of them. NO ONE.
Judge: Duly noted.
Me: Also…get a haircut, hippie!
I am of the opinion that those tiny USPS trucks can’t go any faster than 50 because they get around on a lawn mower engine.
And you’re saying that the hippie was essentially driving his bus with his ELBOWS? Well now.
Comment by Whimsy — May 8, 2009 @ 8:13 am
I love your made up conversations. They always make me giggle!
Hope the rest of your day goes well!
Comment by Sarah — May 8, 2009 @ 8:23 am
Ugggggh. I hate stupid drivers. And there were two of them! Arg.
Comment by Penny — May 8, 2009 @ 8:28 am
Two of my favorite things- Judge Judy and the Traffic Elimination Center.
Comment by slynnro — May 8, 2009 @ 9:40 am
AAAHAHAHAHAAAA… how you were keeping your stupid hippie hair out of your eyes. hee. ahahaha. heehee.
Comment by Alice — May 8, 2009 @ 9:44 am
This is hilarious. It makes for happy Friday.
Comment by animanous — May 8, 2009 @ 9:45 am
I wish this was an actual TV show because it would be my favorite!
Comment by Emily — May 8, 2009 @ 11:04 am
Oh, LOVE. IT.
Good work, Counselor.
Comment by Artemisia — May 8, 2009 @ 11:12 am
Heee! You are the MOST creative person.
Comment by amber — May 9, 2009 @ 9:47 pm
Hee hee! Awesome. At least you can laugh about it (now). I have like the worst road rage issues EVER.
Comment by nonsoccermom — May 10, 2009 @ 9:26 pm
This is fantastic! I HATE it when two cars bottleneck an entire highway. I get behind one of them and start tailgating!
Comment by Shelly — May 11, 2009 @ 8:19 am
I would most likely have plowed straight into one of them. On purpose. Urgh.
Comment by Jess — May 13, 2009 @ 10:30 am