Pickles & Dimes

– The way Shorty opens his eyes, immediately closes them, and makes old-man snoring noises when we’re trying to get him off the bed to go outside, the FAKER

- The knowledge that someday in the near future it will actually feel warm outside; warm enough that wearing short sleeves will be a necessity and not an act of Winter Contempt, God am I Sick of You (tomorrow’s forecast: snow showers!)

- How it feels when my fingers can keep up with my brain and speedily type a paragraph with no mistakes

- Finishing our wedding scrapbook

- That even though I’ll miss all sorts of things about work, Monday morning lunch meetings, noisy work spaces, and researching adult diapers aren’t among them

- Potbellied, squinty-eyed squirrels in our yard

- Abby and Sunny taking turns drinking out of the bathroom faucet in the mornings

- One week until Opening Day

- The electronic Tetris game I scored for 99 cents at the thrift store this weekend

- Bookstore gift cards

- Being called “slight” this weekend

- The two days I have off before starting my new job

- Jim Gaffigan’s new Comedy Central special (he talks about ketchup!)

- Peking chicken

Work is doing its best to make sure I will be glad to leave it for good next week. My computer is so slow I had time to tie my shoes, grab a drink and go to the bathroom before it opened up a file. The copier has already jammed on me twice. Unrelated, my blood pressure is rising.

Also, channeling Michael Scott from The Office: “It’s my two-week notice, I have immunity.” Why are people still giving me work? God, it’s like I’m still required to earn my keep or something.

I started cleaning out my desk yesterday, not that it was messy (weekly quip from the I.T. guy: “Your desk is insanely clean. Do you even DO any work?”) but because there was a ton of paperwork in my file drawer that I had mysteriously accumulated and even more mysteriously, kept.

And you know what? I needed none of it.

You know what else? I am offended by the colored plastic paperclips. Whenever I see one, I pull it off the paper, bend it so it’s useless, and then throw it away. I know this is wasteful but I cannot help myself. They are worthless to me.

Also? What is the deal with the giant binder clips? Does anyone ever use these? These things are large enough to clips together two reams of paper, and yet I found 16 of them in my desk drawer. (The smaller clips, however, are extremely useful. Other ways I have utilized them: as chip bag sealers, photo holders, and emergency hair clips.)

I have a mug in my drawer that is filled with only pennies. Approximate value: $1.32.

I have a scary amount of half-filled notebooks scattered around my desk space. And because I insist on using Sharpies, every other page is unusable because the ink bleeds through. I am an epic tree-killer.

I am responsible for 58% of 3M’s profit margin on Post-it Notes. They are everywhere.

That reminds me, I need to hit the office supply closet before I leave. (To replenish my desk for the next person, of course.)

What are your favorite/least favorite office supplies?

I saw the tutorial on how to make this awhile ago, took one look at the detailed instructions and thought, “Nope. Beyond my abilities. Let’s eat some chicken wings instead.” But then a few weeks ago, I tried again and once I could harness the power of my mind to actually focus for more than 10 minutes, it was pretty easy.

Isn’t it amazing what slapping together a free background pattern, free stock photos and a free tutorial can do?

Make your own here.

Not to stick with the whole peeing motif around here lately, but my final project at work involves doing communication audits on incontinence products. So I am doing comparative analysis on a company and its competitors, noting key visual and messaging assets, points of differentiation, claims/benefits, strengths/weaknesses, etc. And it’s fun. It’s research, and I get to draw my own haughty opinions about why one site does the best job of promoting its product and why another makes my eyes bleed with its use of 37 colors, 42 fonts and excessive use of exclamation points.

But every single time someone has come to my desk today to give me work, my browser is open to some site touting SUPER ABSORBENCY!!! or FEELS LIKE SILK ON YOUR SKIN! or something equally fetish-sounding. Plus, if the product photos aren’t enough to make me look like a weirdo, the last site I had to review featured half-torsos wearing underwear that can hold up to 4½ cups of fluid.

So let’s think about something else, OK? Like these roses Jason brought to work for me in honor of my new job. Aren’t they beautiful? A wonderful shade of yellow. I love yellow roses.

Hey, know what else is yellow?

The SUN, you pervs.