The following takes place between 9:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m.
Me [tied to a chair] Let me go!
Winter: You didn’t think I’d find out you were the one who tried to kill me?
Me: You can’t prove a thing.
Winter: Don’t insult me. You left a paper trail.
Me: What do you want?
Winter: You know what I want. I want you to tell Spring that you won’t be needing its services.
Me: Never.
Winter: [laughs] Your defiance is admirable, but you know what I’m capable of. The five inches of snow yesterday…
Me: So? It’s snow. I own a shovel.
Winter: And the negative 30-degree weather today…and tomorrow…and the day after that…
Me: I also own winter clothing. This is Minnesota. We don’t even call off school in this weather.
Winter: Don’t lie to me. I know you were dismayed by last month, one of the snowiest Decembers on record.
Me: It’s a new month and a new year.
Winter: And I intend to make the most of it.
Me: Why are you doing this?
Winter: Because I want the fame and fortune that Spring used to receive. I want to be the only season from November through May!
Me: Through May? Hell no.
Winter: Yes. You’re going to tell Spring to disappear forever.
Me: No.
Winter: Perhaps you need a stronger demonstration. I’ve only shown you the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.
Me: What are you implying?
Winter: You lived in Fargo in 1997, didn’t you?
Me: You know I did.
Winter: All that sandbagging…
Me: Shut up.
Winter: Your apartment flooded…
Me: Stop it!
Winter: If you don’t cooperate, I’ll bring in so much snow that the resulting flood will make the Fargo flood look like a Dixie cup of spilled water.
Me: You wouldn’t.
Winter: You know I would. Now, do we have a deal?
Me: [whispers]
Winter: [leaning in] What?
Me: [head butts Winter]
Winter: Ahhhh!
Me: [frees hands and grabs Winter in chokehold] Now you listen to me. Don’t ever mess with someone who’s just watched four hours of 24.
Winter: Perhaps we can work something out.
Me: Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to knock off the excessive snowfalls and the record-breaking cold temperatures, and you’re going to leave the state earlier than planned. Got it?
Winter: Whatever you want!
Me: [tightening chokehold] And you’re going to tell your associate Punxsutawney Phil that he’s not going to see his shadow. Do you understand?
Winter: Yes! Yes!
Me: [Chokes Winter out] Good. Glad we had this little chat.
Oh dude. The first thing my sister did this morning was email me the weather.com page for St. Cloud. -24, feels like -40. Horrifying.
Comment by Tessie — January 13, 2009 @ 9:58 am
You might end up in your own personal version of “Ground Hog Day”
Comment by My Buddy Mimi — January 13, 2009 @ 9:59 am
Soo… this is what cabin fever looks like. All worded out and bloggy….
Interesting.
(PS.. really.. you crack me up)
Comment by Stephanie — January 13, 2009 @ 10:25 am
I only hope Winter takes you seriously. Urgh.
Comment by Jess — January 13, 2009 @ 10:27 am
Thank you for kicking winter’s a$$! Wait, that will include us up here in Duluth in the early spring, right? Because this is killing me (and my motivation to go to the gym, which was almost dead anyway).
Comment by Becky — January 13, 2009 @ 11:12 am
OK, you win. I’ll quit complaining about PA’s weather.
Comment by Nowheymama — January 13, 2009 @ 11:20 am
I bet Jack, Tony(!!), Bill, and Chloe would love to have you on their team!
Comment by Sara — January 13, 2009 @ 11:28 am
Winter stuck around way too long last year, it can’t possibly have plans for this year too. Yikes on the -30. I thought we had it bad.
Comment by Penny — January 13, 2009 @ 12:14 pm
This is GREAT! Thanks for the great post to lift our spirits in this frigid tundra we are in! You’re my superhero!
Comment by Me Today — January 13, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
that is… good lord. NO ONE SHOULD LIVE THERE.
Comment by Alice — January 13, 2009 @ 1:50 pm
Ever think about being a writer or a Stand up comic? You are funny. I remember Fargo ‘97
Comment by Michelle — January 13, 2009 @ 1:58 pm
Send Winter over here so I can throw him a few punches. We’re having a mild day at 0 degrees, but the forecast is for -30 for the next several days. I like the snow, but I hate it when it’s too cold to go out and enjoy it.
Comment by LoriD — January 13, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
You. Kick. Butt.
Stay warm.
Comment by Artemisia — January 13, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
Where was Shorty when all of this was taking place?
Comment by TamiW — January 13, 2009 @ 5:41 pm
You are SO bad ass!
Comment by Shelly — January 13, 2009 @ 5:44 pm
Hilarious, as usual! We have someone’s truck stranded in our driveway for 2 days now! It stalled on the road that goes past our house and he walked to our house to ask if Bob could pull it in to our driveway. He’s been here twice since then, but can’t get it started. We’re really hoping he’s able to move it before the next snowfall (or spring, which ever comes first) so we can plow our driveway!
Comment by Becky — January 14, 2009 @ 7:00 am
Thank you! About time somebody took things into their own hands…..
Comment by Ellie — January 14, 2009 @ 7:30 am
Well, it’s not as bad here (outside Philly) as there, but since I am originally from SC, I’m massively hating the winter weather here, so feel free to come choke winter out here as well.
Comment by Fiona Picklebottom — January 14, 2009 @ 8:47 am
I think you scared Winter all the way down to South MS! The temps are finally dropping here.
Comment by Julie — January 14, 2009 @ 12:49 pm
I LOVE TEXAS!
Comment by slynnro — January 14, 2009 @ 1:24 pm
Yup, and I am going to Duluth this weekend. Brrrrr…..
And it is always fun navigating around Duluth this time of year. They have nasty, bumpy, pot-hole filled roads which GYNORMOUS snow banks and really itty, bitty, narrow roads because all the Bulldog/St. Scholastica students have to park their cars on the streets, and of course the snowplows can’t do a good job of plowing. Whew! Oh, and 1/2 of the streets rival San Francisco’s. Well, that may be a slight exaggeration – but not by much.
OK, sorry, I regress, um … GREAT dialogue!
Comment by Grimmie — January 14, 2009 @ 3:00 pm