and you shall know me by my blathering
I bought new black shoes to replace the other new black shoes I bought to replace my old black shoes. Follow? The newer black shoes are nice, but they Hungry Hungry Hippo every pebble they see, so I am constantly taking them off and dumping tiny rocks into my garbage. I call them my Anteater Shoes.
I still have not bought new pants that fit me correctly, so I am hoiking my pants up 4,296 times a day, which is both a) attractive and b) the type of style choice a 34-year-old wants to be known for. I have tried to find new pants, but I am in that no-man’s land called: “I really wish the fashion industry would bring back half sizes.” Also known as: “I have two choices: either lose a little more weight to fit into the smaller size or start shoving sticks of butter down my gullet to fit into the larger size.” Not coincidentally, we are almost out of butter.
When it’s really cold out, my car door makes this ungodly creaking noise, like an ancient vault being scraped open. Only now that it’s warmer it’s still making the noise. I’m afraid one day in the parking lot, I’ll open my door and it’ll fall to the ground, and 10,000-year-old mummies will rise from their graves.
Speaking of things that rise from their graves, have you seen the trailer for The Unborn? OH MY GOD. I thought my horror movie aversion reached its peak with things creepily skittering toward me on all fours, but KUDOS movie people for having things creepily skitter toward me on all fours with their heads on UPSIDE DOWN. Gah.
My brother gave us the Furminator for Christmas and it is just as good as it claims. The tufts of hair that it brushes out = FRIGHTENING and ENOUGH TO STUFF A PILLOW. This morning, Jason used it on Shorty and he blissed out, sitting in front of Jason with his eyes closed.
After months of running from Shorty whenever she sees him, Abby has suddenly switched from victim to pursuer. Yesterday I was lint rolling the recliner on which she laid, and Shorty walked by. Abby leaned over to hiss and paw at him, and when he ran away, she wasn’t satisfied, so she catapulted herself off the chair, sprinted over to him and started attacking him. The hell? What’s more, she will sit all sullen and defiant in the hallway, just waiting for him to walk by. One of us has to walk beside him when we pass that spot, acting as security guard. It’s kind of creepy, actually, that both the 44-lb dog & I are afraid of a 7.5-lb. tabby with baby blue eyes.
Awwww. Shorty likes being Furminated! Photo, please?
Comment by Jess — January 8, 2009 @ 10:11 am
Glad to hear your approval of the Furminator.
Comment by Sara — January 8, 2009 @ 10:15 am
ooh ooh! i have the furminator too! it’s really alarming how much fur comes off, no? like, an ENTIRE SECOND CAT’S worth.
Comment by Alice — January 8, 2009 @ 10:33 am
I am SO GLAD that I am not the only person to be freaked out by those commercials because of the crawling on all fours with the weird head position. Those kinds of things FREAK ME OUT. I’m getting the shudders just sitting here. Also, it reminds me of The Grudge. ACK! Shudder!
Comment by Becky — January 8, 2009 @ 10:37 am
Ha ha!
I just bought three new pairs of pants at Anne Taylor Loft. (I am such a fashion outsider, is it Anne or Ann?) Anyway – $80 pants for $20. Go now! Buy some cute pants! I am in between sizes, myself but found that an 8 in one style was too small, yet an 8 in another style fit perfectly. Go.
Also. You put into words my EXACT REACTION to the trailer for The Unborn. Dear God. I nearly said a rosary after seeing that trailer. Just. In. Case. *shudder*
I bought a Furminator brush last spring and holy sh*t it is worth every penny and it’s weight in gold. Woo boy! It is both amazing and horrifying how well it works. Hooray!
Comment by Artemisia — January 8, 2009 @ 11:57 am
Sounds like the cat finally realized that the dog was there to stay and she is full out attack mode to rid the house of said dog
I have had lots of luck with Gap pants in general but I am short and they do that ankle thing but the waist region generally fits as well no matter what…
Comment by Christina — January 8, 2009 @ 12:41 pm
This is awesome. I just bought two new pairs of boots, one of them 1.5 sizes bigger than my normal shoes just because they were almost sold out. Shoe insanity, perhaps?
Comment by Shelly — January 8, 2009 @ 12:53 pm
Hungry Hungry Hippo is a fun game! Our cat has not adjusted well to the new dog. Anytime he’s within range, she boxes his face. It’s kinda funny.
Comment by Julie — January 8, 2009 @ 1:36 pm
Ok…so anteater shoes may be one of the funniest things I’ve read ALL WEEK! hehe. also…same annoying problem with the pants. boo.
Comment by Sarah — January 8, 2009 @ 2:15 pm
ah very cool – I want a furminator! Probably should get a dog first.
That nifty device made me recall another awesome x-mas gift that my brother-in-law received – we laughed quite a bit over this one:
https://www.shamwow.com/ver4/index.asp
Has anyone tried these?
cat overpowering dog reminds me of when my Himalayan cat used to beat on a German Shepherd that lived with us (and his owner). Binky would draw blood on this dog’s nose and ears – Valiant could have killed that cat in one bite, but never even growled at Binky. Crazy what some dogs will put up with.
Comment by Grimmie — January 8, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
My cat and dog used to play with each other by attacking each other. It was funny and scary.
I’ll have to check out the Furminator. And I LOVE the hungry hungry hippo shoe description. Best line of the day, that one.
Comment by Penny — January 8, 2009 @ 4:50 pm
I’ve always wondered about the Furminator, but now that I’m reading all these rousing endorsements, I’ve GOT to get one!
Comment by Whimsy — January 8, 2009 @ 5:07 pm
I’ve got a solution for you: a belt. I know! My boss, of all people, gave me one for Christmas, because he noticed what I thought was sure a *very* attractive habit of hitching the ol’ jeans up. Of course, I work in a *bar* and my “boss” is my *friend* but still. So I wear it every day.
Comment by Ellie — January 9, 2009 @ 8:13 am
The creaking car made me laugh. A friend of mine drove a car that was in such bad shape that she accidentally kicked a hole through the bottom of it and could see the highway pavement below.
Comment by LoriD — January 9, 2009 @ 9:31 am
Grimmie,
I asked for a ShamWow for Christmas, but then after reading the negative reviews of it, changed my mind. You’ll have to let us know if your brother-in-law likes it.
Kinda related, I really want the NuWave Oven.
Comment by Shauna — January 9, 2009 @ 9:37 am
Hee…you’re almost out of butter – I love that. I’d be making that same choice, except maybe with Snickers bars because I’m not a huge butter fan. Also, so cute that Abby has gone all evil. Glad my cat isn’t the only one.
Comment by amber — January 11, 2009 @ 4:13 am
Love the use of “Hungry Hungry Hippo” as a verb.
Comment by slynnro — January 11, 2009 @ 5:43 pm