Pickles & Dimes

I’m going to page through my mountain of cookbooks that I never use and compile my favorite recipes into one binder. Today’s cookbook is titled Best of the Best from Minnesota Cookbook, so you know it’s full of hot dishes, wild rice and lefse.

So far, here are my favorite-named recipes:

- Norsk-Svensk Suppe (fruit soup)
- Double Decker Knox Blox (gelatin)
- Versatile, Variable, Dependable, Commendable Coffee Cake
- Cheez Whiz-Corned Beef Casserole (it’s not Minnesota without Cheez Whiz!)
- Trainwreck Pork Chops
- Ham Loaves (mmmm…loaves….of ham)
- Spam Casserole
- Drunken Bear (calls for 4 tablespoons of bear lard)
- Bear with Chocolate (calls for 4 servings (!) of bear round steak)
- Prairie Beer Cake
- Aggression Cookies

But before I make any new recipes, I feel it is my duty to make this, courtesy of Shelly and dozens of my coworkers: The Bacon Explosion.

Bacon stuffed with italian sausage and MORE BACON. Ooh, baby!

Do you have any favorite regional recipes? Bonus points if it calls for bear.

OK, without peeking at the Mad Lib below, give me the following:

1. Adjective
2. Animal
3. Verb ending in -ing
4. Body part
5. Adjective
6. Noun
7. Name of a song you dislike
8. Body part
9. Food
10. Adjective
11. Food
12. Animal
13. Body part
14. Noun
15. Swear word
16. Noun
17. Adjective
18. Food
19. Name of TV show
20. Adjective

Done? OK, now plug in your words for a Wednesday Mad Lib! Enjoy!

Today is a ____________ day. It started with my _________ ___________ my
                   (adjective)                                         (animal) (verb ending in -ing)

__________. Then traffic was bad because of a ___________ ___________.
(body part)                                                          (adjective) (noun)

The grocery store Muzak was playing ____________, which is now stuck in my
                                                  (name of song you hate)

______________. The free sample ladies were out of _______________, and they tried
   (body part)                                                                    (food)

to sell me ______________ ____________ instead. When I got back to the parking lot,
                     (adjective)        (food)

there was a ______________ in the front seat. I hit it in the ___________ with a
                       (animal)                                                       (body part)

______________ until it shouted “_______________!” and ran away. When I got home,
     (noun)                                      (swear word)

I realized I forgot to buy a _____________ of _______________ ______________. Now
                                                 (noun)              (adjective)            (food)

I’m stuck watching ______________ without ___________ snacks. Bummer.
                                 (TV show)                    (adjective)

Our weather dude took great delight in telling us last night that we haven’t yet had temperatures warmer than 32 degrees this year. Ha ha! The last time that happened was in 1979! Thirty years ago! Isn’t that great?

You know, it’d be a lot easier if the news station just hired Ollie from Family Guy.

News anchor: How’s the weather, Ollie?

Ollie: Cold!!!

News anchor: Thanks, Ollie.

There was a brief moment of hope this morning when my coworker’s desktop weather widget informed her it would be 51 degrees on Saturday. When she told us, another coworker snarked, “Maybe for Minneapolis, Mexico.”

When we went to TwinsFest on Friday, we ended up standing outside for 30 minutes in negative-degree temperatures waiting for the doors to open. It was cold. And windy. We all stood with our backs to the wind like a line of North Face-wearing penguins. By the time we actually got inside, my fingers and toes were so cold that the blood returning to them felt like 200 needles ripping apart my skin, which made me feel like I was going to vomit.

Jason: Let’s go ask about the new stadium-seating schedule.

Me: I need to sit down.

Jason: What?

Me: I’m going to puke.

Jason: Are you kidding me?

Me: Ten minutes. I just need ten minutes.

Jason: I can’t take you anywhere.

Me: That is true. OK, five minutes. Just give me five minutes.

You know what? It is true. I can’t go anywhere. Just ask Artemisia! Let’s see: I get sick on amusement park rides, car trips and when suffering from frostbite. Don’t you want to hang out with me? I am a riot.

If you met Jason and I in person in your hometown (assuming I wasn’t sitting with my head in my hands trying not to barf), where would you take us for fun? (Bonus points if it features mini doughnuts. Negative points if it features extreme temperatures or spinny things.)

Personal Belief Announcement: The month of January does not need 31 days. I’m thinking more like … 12. In fact, I’m going to write my congressman. I’d write my senator, but those two douches are still fighting over who won the election two months ago.

Tonight we’re going to TwinsFest, which is mainly an excuse for Jason and I to eat Dome Dogs and sit in our season ticket seats and pine for baseball to start. (Interesting fact for baseball nerds: I am friends with Pat Neshek on Facebook – rock!)

What else is going on around here besides nothing? Well, Shorty is still cute.

This ball no throw itself, lady.

Abby is still prone to hiding in the shadows and either appearing in photos as Evil Kitty Redeye or Dark Blob That May Be A Cat, We Won’t Know Until I Photoshop The Hell Out Of This Photo.

Let’s just pretend for the sake of this photo and my crappy editing that this was taken in 1972.

Sunny is still amiable and cuddly and will offer you her belly to pet because she knows nothing makes you smile faster than a giant fluffy cat belly. She also learned to read and would like to present her first book recommendation.

Two paws up for Dewey!

I lost last year’s cribbage tournament and decided it was time to get one of these:

Note how when I win, it’s by two games or something and when Jason wins, it’s by 12394576928375 games. When I ordered this, the customer service guy asked, “What sport is this for again?” HAHAHAHA. Also he said it would ship in three days, unless my “award ceremony was before that date.” Damn, I should’ve had an Office-style award ceremony, complete with paper doves and yogurt lid medals. Opportunity lost!