Pickles & Dimes

- Dear MN State Patrol: Were the five troopers lining the 7-mile stretch of highway during my commute really necessary? Are that many felonies committed on Interstate 94 from 12:30-1:30 p.m.?

- I had to edit a financial document today that detailed the forecasted outlook for the U.S. economy in 2009 and 2010. One word: YIKES.

- I need an easy recipe to make my own chicken dumpling soup. Have any of you made this from scratch? Please help. Bonus points if it doesn’t require more than 8 ingredients or slaughtering my own bird.

- Look, it’s no secret I love the movie Major League. And the Minnesota Twins. But now that the season comes down to a one-game playoff tonight, and we already have a guy named Tolbert on the team, can we continue to follow the script and win this game, please? (You know what would be awesome? If Morneau comes up to bat in the 9th, points to the outfield as if calling his shot, and then drops a bunt to score the winning run. Make this happen, baseball gods!)

- It’s so great to renew your web hosting services for another year and then have your site promptly go down for 4 hours.

- I think we may enroll Shorty in some training classes. Because he’s shy, he’ll qualify for the Humane Society’s Wallflower sessions - hee. I hope he eventually gets the nerve to ask someone to dance.

- Well, it’s only Day 2 of slightly cooler weather and it’s official: I’m already tired of my winter clothing.

- Also official: I am over my circus peanut obsession. Mainly because I ate the last one.

- After three years, we are finally going to paint the small downstairs bedroom, a room currently painted dark blue, covered with the previous owner’s son’s name, and decorated with hot air balloons, airplanes and a painted-on growth chart. The reason we have waited this long (besides being lazy) is because I insist the carpet is gray and Jason says it is brown. Abby (who is mostly gray but with brownish undertones) has sprawled on the carpet numerous times in an attempt to resolve the issue, but the results are inconclusive. Anyway, I’m thinking a nice terra cotta orange would work with a gray-brown carpet, right?

- I stabbed a man in the stomach in my dream last night. Best to stay on my good side, people.

I’m walking toward the back entrance of work on my way to lunch. I pass the office where Rick (not his real name), the oldest employee, sits and am immediately assaulted by one of his notorious coughing fits. He sounds like he’s gargling with wet hunks of meat while a sleeve of marbles rattles down his throat.

I turn to two coworkers, horrified. They both look equally disturbed; one sits motionless and wide-eyed while the other gamely brings a burger out of its wrapping. The loud, strangled hacking continues.

Rick suddenly appears. Even though his lung capacity must currently be somewhere around 12%, he is chatty.

“Wow,” he says. “This time of year makes me rattle-y.”

We stare forward, silent, collectively willing him to continue on his journey of going into the bathroom to hock his lungs into a makeshift spittoon.

“It’s the drainage,” he explains seriously, as my coworker with the burger sets it down disgustedly.

I make a noise that sounds vaguely sympathetic and sneak out the back door. When I return, Rick’s office mate is wearing his headphones.

And a mostly untouched burger sits on top of the trash.

September 26, 2008

Chicago White Sox
c/o Major League Baseball

RE: Last night’s game that you led by 5 runs and then lost 7-6 in extra innings

Dear White Sox:

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. Suck it.

cc: Minnesota Twins
Enc: PowerPoint presentation detailing the many ways A.J. Pierzynski is a giant tool.

• A nap.
• Some root beer. And circus peanuts. (Yes, still.)
• One or 14 of these for my desk at work.
• A haircut.
• A.J. Pierzynski of the White Sox to continue saying toolish things so I can continue to comment about what a tool he is.
• The awesome shirt I ordered online to not be on backorder.
• A gigantic cribbage-winning streak to commence.
• A massage.
• To start knitting again.
• Creative inspiration.
• A snuggly dog or cat in my lap.
• The rain to stop so I can mow the lawn tonight. (On second thought, never mind. I like the sound of it hitting the skylights.)

How about you?