Me vs. the printer
(Some of you may recall that I have had earlier struggles with office appliances.)
Me: Hello.
Printer: What up, office drone?
Me: I’m just here to pick up my printout.
Printer: Be my guest.
Me: Oh come on! You’re jammed again?
Printer: These things happen.
Me: That is such BS. I just saw you print out a ton of 11 x 17’s for someone else.
Printer: So?
Me: I’m just printing out regular 8.5 x 11’s. That’s child’s play.
Printer: Well, you know, that size can be tricky, what with the humidity and other uncontrollable factors.
Me: Whatever. Oh, nice help menu instructions: “Clear jam.” Care to elaborate?
Printer: Not really.
Me: Argh.
Printer: I think you’re overreacting, drama queen. I only have 37 compartments for you to check. It’s not like you need an engineering degree.
Me, checking all doors: There. It’s clear.
Printer: I submit that it is not.
Me, checking all doors again and removing three shredded pieces of paper: Yes, it IS.
Printer: Here. Here’s your stupid tree-killing document.
Me: Thank y-Hey, I’m missing two pages!
Printer: Man, what are you, a perfectionist?
Me: You suck so hard.
Printer: Oops, looks like you’ll have to reprint. Tree killer.
Me: Tree killer? I wouldn’t have to reprint if you just did your stupid job!
Printer, humming: [reprints]
Me: God, now there’s black streaks all over the pages. I can barely read them!
Printer: Uh-oh. Looks like I’ll need my toner changed!
Me: ARGH.
Printer: Oh, by the way, while you’re in there, I seem to have become jammed again. Chop, chop!
I feel your pain! Except it’s our color printer that sucks! I tried to print out this super duper important document that HAD to be in color…and our awesome color printer printed out the actual background of the paper in BRIGHT MAGENTA (can you imagine how much ink was wasted for a 50 page document!) and the writing was all black. Not quite what I was looking for. I ended up having to go to the 3rd floor printer just to get it printed in color! Stupid printers.
Comment by Sarah — August 27, 2008 @ 9:30 am
“PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?” – Office Space.
Also, I once had a confrontation with a printer that involved me screaming, “If you’re so fucking READY, then where’s my document?”. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.
Comment by Shelly — August 27, 2008 @ 9:37 am
I swear, the printer only runs out of paper FOR ME. NO ONE ELSE.
Comment by slynnro — August 27, 2008 @ 9:44 am
HILARIOUS. I didn’t have to CLICK THROUGH to remember that Pop machine one, either. Total P&D classic.
Comment by Tessie — August 27, 2008 @ 9:56 am
i have a printer ON MY DESK, and yet i’m currently printing to a printer halfway across the office because the one on my desk refuses to work. HATE. also: you are hilarious.
Comment by Alice — August 27, 2008 @ 9:58 am
I’ve had that same conversation with 3 different copiers in my office.
Comment by Sara — August 27, 2008 @ 10:06 am
AWESOME. At least you are allowed to clear the paper jams yourself. At my office you have to be “paper jam certified”. No, really.
Comment by nonsoccermom — August 27, 2008 @ 10:41 am
Like Tessie, I have a printer IN MY OFFICE (though it is UNDER, not on, my desk, to maximize its toe-stubbing potential) that has never once worked, but which I have been unable to unload onto someone else because there is “nowhere else to store it.” So I walk all the way across the office to print to the only printer that works for me, which is the printer named “intern.” This is not good for my psyche.
Comment by pseudostoops — August 27, 2008 @ 10:42 am
Only you could make a conversation with a printer sound so hilarious. I kept picturing this like a comic strip.
Comment by erin — August 27, 2008 @ 10:59 am
This is awesome! I mean not for you but I totally feel your pain and I never even deal with it any more. I just go get the techie person who knows how to deal with it because I had it out with the printer at our office and the printer TOTALLY won!
Comment by Christina — August 27, 2008 @ 11:27 am
I’ve never thought of printers as malicious before. BUT YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
Comment by Jess — August 27, 2008 @ 11:45 am
I love your conversations with inanimate objects, seasons, what have you.
I think that printers are minions of the devil.
Comment by Artemisia — August 27, 2008 @ 12:10 pm
Thanks for my daily dose of Dilbert! Changing the toner is a pain in the rumpus. I’d like to meet the genius who can change that sucker without getting black power all over their hands.
Comment by Julie — August 27, 2008 @ 1:35 pm
I’m late so someone else already made the obligatory Office Space reference. Maybe this could become part of Office Space 2?
Comment by My Buddy Mimi — August 27, 2008 @ 4:04 pm
That was hilarious! I think in addition to writing a book, you should write comic strips! Every once in awhile my printer just plain refuses to print. I resorted to calling tech support. After giving them my name 5 times, the model number 5 times, being transferred 5 times to someone who could help me (even though I spoke English and they did not), the solution was simple. I had to disconnect the cable from the back of the printer and then crawl under my desk to unplug the power cord, wait “awhile”, and then…in this order…crawl back under my desk to plug in the power and reconnect the cable. Rebooting should be less stressful. Modern technology can be a headache some days!
Comment by Becky — August 28, 2008 @ 7:03 am
Ach. Have you met my husband? The Mitah? The printer starts to convulse when he walks by the doorway.
Comment by Ellie — August 28, 2008 @ 7:05 am
OMG, you must have the same printer as we do! It’ll print out 10 pages and then jam. After you clear the jam, it will refuse to print. THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE THERE FOR, YOU BASTARD.
Comment by moo — August 28, 2008 @ 8:55 am
Fantastic and oh so true!
Comment by diane — August 28, 2008 @ 3:10 pm