Pickles & Dimes

It’s Jason’s birthday today, and for now, he’s the same age as me. Thank god. It’s hard being old.

Happy birthday, Jason. May you and your monkey toes, your half-asleep conversations, and your penchant for wanting to always put me in a headlock enjoy many more years of happiness and fun. I love you.

Tell us: what’s your best birthday memory?

(Some of you may recall that I have had earlier struggles with office appliances.)

Me: Hello.

Printer: What up, office drone?

Me: I’m just here to pick up my printout.

Printer: Be my guest.

Me: Oh come on! You’re jammed again?

Printer: These things happen.

Me: That is such BS. I just saw you print out a ton of 11 x 17’s for someone else.

Printer: So?

Me: I’m just printing out regular 8.5 x 11’s. That’s child’s play.

Printer: Well, you know, that size can be tricky, what with the humidity and other uncontrollable factors.

Me: Whatever. Oh, nice help menu instructions: “Clear jam.” Care to elaborate?

Printer: Not really.

Me: Argh.

Printer: I think you’re overreacting, drama queen. I only have 37 compartments for you to check. It’s not like you need an engineering degree.

Me, checking all doors: There. It’s clear.

Printer: I submit that it is not.

Me, checking all doors again and removing three shredded pieces of paper: Yes, it IS.

Printer: Here. Here’s your stupid tree-killing document.

Me: Thank y-Hey, I’m missing two pages!

Printer: Man, what are you, a perfectionist?

Me: You suck so hard.

Printer: Oops, looks like you’ll have to reprint. Tree killer.

Me: Tree killer? I wouldn’t have to reprint if you just did your stupid job!

Printer, humming: [reprints]

Me: God, now there’s black streaks all over the pages. I can barely read them!

Printer: Uh-oh. Looks like I’ll need my toner changed!

Me: ARGH.

Printer: Oh, by the way, while you’re in there, I seem to have become jammed again. Chop, chop!

Look what I won from the fabulous Shelly!

- Do you know how much I love Burt’s Bees? So much so, that when I accidentally forgot my Burt’s Bees chapstick at work one time, I had to immediately go out and purchase a second tube for home, because my lips suddenly understood their predicament and became whiny and annoying (Oh, wait – that was just me).

- This pretty bookmark will be great, because now people can lend me their books without getting them back full of folded-over page corners, because that’s how I used to mark my spot.

- A Starbucks gift card! It is almost hot chocolate season! Yes!

- I cannot wait to start this book. I’m also kicking myself for not bringing it into work to sneakily read during a boring work meeting. A work meeting that was scheduled DURING LUNCH. Lunch that is not being provided. ARGH.

- And finally: Lip Smackers. I love these so much. Thank you, Shelly! You’re awesome.

Since I just had a PiF contest, I’m going to wait a little bit before hosting my next one. Maybe once the summer is over. Or maybe at 3 in the morning sometime – you never know.

In crazy pet news, Shorty is completely over his cough. I can’t tell you how great it is to hear him run around after his Frisbee without sounding like an emphysemic donkey. He is full of energy and definitely trying to assert his dominance by refusing to come inside when we want him to, which is slightly cute in the evenings, and very frustrating in the mornings when Jason is running late for work and I’m already in my nice work clothes (Shorty’s already ripped one of my work dresses). We definitely need to get on the ball regarding training.

Shorty will ostensibly grab a toy from his stash (looking directly at us as if to say, “I dare you to stop me”) before he goes back in his kennel (never mind that he already has a toy in there), favoring a Garfield toy Jason’s mom gave him on Friday, from which he has already chewed off both ears and all the whiskers.

He uses his tennis ball to scratch his back, rolling over it on the ground. And when his tennis ball is AWOL, he grabs one of our landscaping rocks and uses that as a back scratcher. Then, if one of us isn’t playing with him, he throws the rock into the air and chases after it himself. In short(y), he’s a nutball.

We’ve been letting him roam the house more often, but he still can’t be trusted alone with the cats because as soon as Sunny or Abby runs away, he thinks it’s a fun chasing game and all hell breaks loose.

Case in point: Last weekend as I was cooking dinner, Jason let Shorty back inside. He came ambling up to me, corkscrew tail wagging furiously, smelled the cooking chicken, stood on his hind legs at the counter, got yelled at to get back down, spotted Sunny, tried to chase her, and then Sunny jumped onto the counter to get on top of the refrigerator, her “safe zone.”

Unfortunately, I had placed a baking sheet full of unbaked crescent rolls on the counter. Sunny landed directly on top of one of them, making a perfect paw print in the dough. Sunday night dinner = CHAOS. (Also? Minus one crescent.)

So, we went to the Great Minnesota Get Together (the state fair) this weekend. Let’s start off easy, OK?

First off, Spam, the great Minnesota staple.

Now how about some Norwegian hotdish on a stick? (Jason’s mom tried it. It was deep-fried meatballs and tater tots. Mmmmm.)

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