Gnat King Cole
I had the day off from work yesterday, and per my habit, tried to cram 417 activities into 8 hours. It was one of those perfect summer days, where I did some gardening, shopping (Joann Fabrics, I can’t quit you!), and lunched with Jason. When I got home, I read and knitted, and lint-rolled Abby while Sunny pointed out house centipedes by chattering at them until I could mash them with a paper towel. Then I tried out a new chicken recipe that was fantastic and delicious and super easy (it involved bacon bits, naturally). And then the Twins beat the White Sox. Perfect.
This morning we went running and as soon as we stepped outside, the humid air greeted me by wrapping itself around my windpipe and squeezing hello. I ran my fastest mile yet and felt wonderful, despite the fact that a fat black cloud of gnats was circling me the entire time like a flock of miniature buzzards. When we walked home and watered the flowers, I sprayed myself full-bore in the face – twice – because 1) it felt like my overheated head was going to explode into fiery shrapnel all over the daylilies, and 2) the goddamn effing GNATS. And then Jason said, “Let’s feed the birds while we’re out here,” and I got all crabby in my head for a second because, “Hey, why not? I’ve only had 13 gnats fly into my eyeball, what’s another dozen?” and hurriedly slapped suet cakes into the feeders while muttering the f-word under my breath and punching myself in the head to get rid of the EFFING GNATS. The upside? Hopefully, more birds will stop by to eat the birdseed. AND THE GNATS.
Remember The Thing? Well, I decided to hide him in Jason’s golf bag. So I brought The Thing into the garage and deposited him into a pocket with golf balls and then tried to look nonchalant and busy as Jason walked into the garage unexpectedly. And then later, at 3 in the morning as Abby was using my stomach as a bounce house, I thought, “Hey, I don’t remember Jason having a Magic 8 ball golf ball.” And then I realized I had hidden The Thing in my golf bag. And Jason got up before I did and went golfing before I could make the switch. Stupid. And then later, I told him about my gaffe, not realizing I still could’ve hidden it there. Again – stupid.
Hey, this never happens: I keep thinking today is Monday, but it’s already Tuesday. HAHAHHAHAHAHA. Ahem.
You TOLD him? Oh NO NO NO NO! Oh, man. YOU BLEW IT! Heh.
I love The Thing.
Comment by Tessie — July 29, 2008 @ 2:18 pm
I think you need a nap.
Comment by moo — July 29, 2008 @ 2:18 pm
I’m with Tessie…you NEVER tell!
Comment by Julie — July 29, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
You must have been sleep deprived to have told him!!! Oh well, there is always next time.
Comment by Shelly — July 29, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
Gnats, ew. I keep finding them in my house. Too tiny to easily kill, yet big enough to buzz around and be hella annoying…
Comment by nonsoccermom — July 29, 2008 @ 3:07 pm
This post made me laugh… the gnats up north – I DO NOT MISS (that and black flies, gaw!) And the golf bag thing… that is JUST CLASSIC! Sorry, totally laughing at your expense!
Comment by Christina — July 29, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
Running? Huh? Wha? Why? Just kidding, it is good for you, right? If I didn’t have two kids I might attempt running. Oh wait, no, no I wouldn’t. But good for you!
I don’t even know what a gnat is. I mean, I know it is a flying insect of some sort but like a big mosquito? Do they bite or just bug you?
Comment by Shannon — July 29, 2008 @ 5:05 pm
Shannon, gnats are teeny little bugs that don’t bite you, but aim to land directly in your eyes, nose and mouth. And there are thousands of them running into your face at any given moment. GOD, I HATE THEM SO MUCH.
Comment by Shauna — July 29, 2008 @ 5:28 pm
Oh yes, the gnats and black flies swarm us every time we go outside. Do the kids *really* need fresh air and exercise?
Comment by Nowheymama — July 29, 2008 @ 7:43 pm
I admire your stamina and enthusiasm for rising so early and exerting yourself before work. Sounds like work before work to me.
Can you post your bacon chicken recipe? I might decide to cook again one of these days, and “easy” is intriguing.
Comment by Grimmie — July 30, 2008 @ 8:59 am
The worst thing about the gnats (in my opinion) is they buzzing they make when they do the ear fly-by. HATE.
Also, don’t you love the kind of short week that sneaks up on you? So fantastic.
Comment by whimsy — July 30, 2008 @ 9:29 am
I always feel like a member of The Great Unwashed when gnats fly around my head. Like, “Why Me? What’d *I* do??”
Comment by Ellie — July 30, 2008 @ 10:07 am
HAHAHA!!! I LOVE that you told Jason. That’s so something I would do.
Comment by Shelly — July 30, 2008 @ 10:33 am
HAHAHA you put it in your own golf bag. Classic! I would totally do that too. If I had a golf bag. Or a Thing.
Comment by Jess — July 30, 2008 @ 11:21 am
Was it you that told us that gnats in swarms are in the process of having an orgy? mmmm, yummy. How many sex-crazed gnats did you eat? or inhale?
Comment by parkingathome — July 30, 2008 @ 1:51 pm
Ok – I laughed so hard at you and the Thing. Oh. Sides. Hurt.
I can envision this entire thing playing out.
Comment by Artemisia — July 30, 2008 @ 2:42 pm
I’ve been wondering where The Thing has been hiding. Good one.
Comment by jean — July 30, 2008 @ 4:09 pm