nonsensical
We have dimmer switches in our bathrooms at work, which makes it seem like I work in a gigolo’s apartment. We also have a mystery coworker who, once they exit the bathroom, dims the lights and shuts the door so it appears to be closed. They don’t shut the door all the way, mind you, or shut the lights off because that would be normal behavior. Instead, they make it so I have to slowly inch the door open while squinting in the dim light and scrabbling frantically for the switch, fully expecting to find either an ax-wielding madman around the corner or a dead hooker slumped over the toilet with a needle in her arm. God.
I had a dream last night that I was cleaning out our shower drain, which was full of lots of hair (realistic so far), placemats (?) and a large camera lens (the kind sports photographers use). Then I pulled up the drain and peered directly into the sewer, where I was greeted with the sight of giant rats and an angry BOBCAT. I believe that was around the same time Sunny jumped onto my chest and my heart fell out of my ear.
Our weather guy keeps reiterating that our temps are “below normal.” He’s got about two more weeks before I start rejecting his logic about “cold air pushing down from Canada” and “pockets of air trapped over Minnesota” before I start demanding to hear about “heat waves” and “record-breaking highs.”
I am 25 games down in our annual cribbage tournament. You might say it’s still early in the year and I shouldn’t panic, right? Well, how about if I tell you that in January, I was 17 games ahead? That is a 42 game swing. Needless to say, if you have any cribbage-winning tips, send them my way.
You know those lists in magazines where they tell you about “SUPERHERO FOODS” or “FOODS THAT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!”? Yeah, I don’t like any of them. Brazil nuts – gross. Avocados – no way. Broccoli and cauliflower – you’re kidding, right? The Pork Commission needs to publish a study claiming bacon reduces crabbiness or something just so I can feel justified eating it.
Bathroom dimmers – creepy.
Your dream – OMG I would have died of fright. Not because any of those things are so terribly frightening, but the surprise! Yikes.
The weather – SUCK IT WEATHER! I’m getting married in 10 days in Duluth, and if it’s not AT LEAST 65 someone is going to hear about it. Seriously.
Cribbage – I miss cribbage! My roommate and I used to play in college a lot, and Ryan and I used to play until he decided I cheat because I always win. Hahahaha
Superhero foods – Why do they have to make up wierd names for foods? I don’t get it. And I agree on the bacon. Mmmm…bacon.
Comment by Becky — May 28, 2008 @ 10:33 am
What about BLUEBERRIES? That is a “Supahfood” that I tend to be on board with. At least in muffin form.
We have MOTION LIGHTS in our bathroom at work, and you are usually practically DONE in there before they actually come all the way on. Convenient.
Comment by Tessie — May 28, 2008 @ 10:54 am
I strongly believe that bacon does bring happiness on some level. It’s on par with St.John’s Wart at least, right?
The shower drain…gross. Hair! gross! That would be my nightmare.
Sorry about the cold weather. We have it here too. It sucks.
Comment by Penny — May 28, 2008 @ 11:01 am
we have motion lights in our bathrooms, except they’re on the QUICKEST TIMER EVER, so if you ever, uh, dawdle? in the bathroom? NO LIGHTS FOR YOU.
i have no idea how to play cribbage. in fact, i’m not even sure exactly what it is. card game? board game?
bacon may be “bad” for my “heart” or whatever, but there HAS to be some positive correlation for my health due to the SUPREME HAPPINESS i get while eating it.
Comment by Alice — May 28, 2008 @ 11:11 am
At least your dreams have some excitement to them. I dreamed that I went to the dentist and had a cavity, which is so mundane and boring (i.e. my real life) that I find myself wondering if I really did go to the dentist.
Comment by My Buddy Mimi — May 28, 2008 @ 11:18 am
I hate that with the bathroom. I just barge in usually and piss people off. I am like LOCK the door if you do want me to barge in.
I have had crazy dreams lately too but I just wake up thinking huh that was weird and I cannot remember the details which drives me batty!
Sigh the weather dudes. They have no clue, I tell you. I trust none of them!
I am useless at Cribbage. My husband kicks my ass every time we play. I prefer Yahtzee because I win every time we play
You know if you wait long enough there will be a study on the benefits of bacon or pork related products. These things come around you know!?
Comment by Christina — May 28, 2008 @ 11:30 am
That last one is super hilarious. And I have this strange love of Brazil nuts. I’m glad they are good for me. Maybe I should eat them more than once every 10 years or so.
Comment by slynnro — May 28, 2008 @ 11:38 am
Do you have motion flushers and sinks in your office? We do and the thing the startles me there is when the toilet flushes when I’m still on it. You can’t trust these automatic things I tell you!
Comment by Flibberty — May 28, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
Flibberty, no motion toilets or sinks for us, thank god. I really hate it when a motion toilet flushes before I’ve even sat down, like it’s doing it as a preventive measure or something.
Comment by Shauna — May 28, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
A.and I are trying to TEACH OURSELVES how to play cribbage. It isn’t going well. I’ll root for you, though!
I’ve given up on even keeping an eye on the weather. It might say SNOW and I just can’t take it anymore.
Comment by Artemisia — May 28, 2008 @ 12:29 pm
That ALWAYS happens to me in cribbage tournaments. I tear on a hot streak and everyone is jealous of my supposedly insurmountable lead, and then I start FAILING and wind up in LAST PLACE. I think it’s because people start catching on to my strategies. Mix up the way you play, maybe?
Comment by Jess — May 28, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has super-bizarre dreams. Also, it is weird to have dimmer switches in the bathroom.
Comment by nonsoccermom — May 28, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
I love that you’re expecting a dead hooker. OMG where do you WORK?
Comment by Swistle — May 28, 2008 @ 12:50 pm
Swistle,
Heh. Well, I am right around the corner from two strip clubs, so…it’s a possibility.
Comment by Shauna — May 28, 2008 @ 12:56 pm
The whole dimmer switch thing is weird to me. WEIRD. I actually got scolded at my old doctor’s office because I always shut the light off when I left the bathroom. Habit I suppose??
Comment by saly — May 28, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
LOVE the dead hooker logic! And I totally agree about the Superfoods. I get all excited, and then they all suck. But I do agree with Tessie about blueberries in muffin form. I’m down with them, too.
Comment by Shelly — May 28, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
I don’t care if bacon is healthy or not. it is a mood enhancer! If it weren’t for bacon I’d have to double my dose of Paxil.
Comment by Manager Mom — May 28, 2008 @ 6:19 pm
I hate when coworkers come out of the bathroom and loudly announce, WHOOO! Better not go in THERE for at least thirty minutes!!!
I’d rather face the dimmer switch than that.
Comment by blacksheeped — May 28, 2008 @ 8:23 pm
Just found your page while looking for cribbage… interesting post and a nice writing style.
Hmmm, winning tips for Cribbage… yeah, keep the 5’s and goto Cribbaholics Unanimous for help.
)
Cheers!
Joe
Comment by Joe — June 4, 2008 @ 12:50 am