Me vs. the lawnmower
Hey there, lawnmower. Yeah, that’s right. Jason’s working so I get to mow the lawn tonight. No more losing Rock Paper Scissors!
Let’s see, looks like you’re a little low on gas. No problem. There you go…top you off a little. Alright, what do I do again? Oh yeah, push the primer button 3 times. OK, one, two, three. Sweet.
Hey, why aren’t you starting? You’re embarrassing me in front of the neighbors. How many times do I have to yank on this stupid starter cord?
Jerk. Maybe I’ll press the primer button a few MORE times. There. That probably made your engine flood, but guess what? Screw you.
OK. Why aren’t you starting? I’m starting to get pissed off. Maybe I’ll read the instruction manual. OK, the instruction manual not in Spanish.
You have a full tank of gas, the oil is fine, the spark plug appears to be attached…I don’t get it. Why do you always do this to me? Screw it, I’m pushing the primer button again.
Fine, you piece of crap. I’m calling Jason.
I hate you, lawnmower. You made me sound like a helpless girl: “I can’t get the mower started. Yes, I pushed the primer button. It just won’t start – wah!” Now Jason’s going to be crabby because he has to work late AND mow the lawn.
There, you like that? I’ll kick your wheel harder next time if you don’t start. You’ll see.
Ha ha! I pushed your primer button another 3 times! How do you like THAT?
Look, please? Please start?
Fine. I can chill out here ALL night.
Look, you’ve got 2 minutes to start before I take a sledgehammer to you and your stupid “Weed Eater” face.
Oh, NOW you start. That’s just DANDY.
Oh look, there’s Jason. Good work, lawnmower. If you preferred him, why didn’t you just SAY so?
Jerk.
Heee. Precisely why I don’t even try to mow the lawn.
Comment by nonsoccermom — May 22, 2008 @ 1:09 pm
Thank you – that made me laugh out loud (I actually lol’d). I needed that.
Comment by banana — May 22, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
I am so content to say that mowing the lawn is definitely Homer’s job. I am not a frail girl and I can never get the damned thing started. One time many years ago, Homer was out of the country for two months on a contract, so I had to cut the lawn. After asking the neighbour to start it for me twice, I decided it must be broken and pushed it two miles to the repair shop (it was too heavy to lift into the car and the neighbour was nowhere to be found). Of course nothing was wrong with it and I pushed it all the way home again. It still fills me with rage just thinking about it!
Comment by LoriD — May 22, 2008 @ 1:38 pm
Oh man, I remember those battles against the primer and the cord when I had to mow the lawn in high school. Ugh. But it was a blessing in disguise, because then Jason got to do the work!
Comment by Jess — May 22, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
Jess,
Actually, *I* still mowed the lawn. I WANTED to mow it; we usually fight over who gets to do it. I just didn’t want to give in; I wanted to have it DONE by the time he got home, but that didn’t happen.
Comment by Shauna — May 22, 2008 @ 1:54 pm
GAAAAAAAH that brought up so many repressed memories of the years, YEARS!! that i was forced to mow the lawn growing up. and this was no meager lawn.. we’re talking like 4 hours of mowing. my mom wouldn’t let us get a riding mower. meanie.
Comment by Alice — May 22, 2008 @ 2:01 pm
You just show him who’s boss! We have an electric lawnmower since we have such a small yard. The extension cord is kind of a pain, but it always starts right up.
Comment by My Buddy Mimi — May 22, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
This is awesome! I dislike the mowing… the stupid thing takes me for a mow and not the other way around so it looks like I have no idea what I am doing… ah because I do not and I hate the mower so there… I clean the toilets AND pick up dog poop, kay?!
Comment by Christina — May 22, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
This makes me grateful for my childhood peeping tom lawnmower guy. No really- he was a known peeping tom. In small towns, you don’t have a lot of options for lawn care. My mom would always yell out “Mower guy is here!” and we would close all the curtains and shutters. It didn’t even seem weird at the time, sadly.
Comment by slynnro — May 22, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
Oh man, I think I had that EXACT conversation with my mower last week!
Comment by Gretchen — May 22, 2008 @ 2:18 pm
I’ve only mowed a lawn once. Yes, once in my entire life. And that was enough.
Comment by deni — May 22, 2008 @ 2:27 pm
I think like deni I’ve only mowed a lawn once. I seem to recall my dad always doing it and then when my brother was old enough he had to do it. There were three completely capable girls in that house (including me) and we never had to mow the lawn. How very strange now that I think about it? Right now I have no lawn so it isn’t an issue. And slynnro, HILARIOUS! Peeping Tom lawn mower guy. LOL!
Comment by Emily — May 22, 2008 @ 5:27 pm
What I was going to say, before I had to go hide in a basement, was:
I have the exact same conversation/fight with the snowblower at least once a year. Bastard.
Comment by Artemisia — May 22, 2008 @ 11:14 pm
Heh.
I so can not wait to mow my own lawn. We’re getting a mechanical one though. I may miss out on such nice conversations with mine, in that case.
Comment by Penny — May 23, 2008 @ 9:43 am