Pickles & Dimes

We’ve fallen off the exercising bandwagon; fallen off the hard, sweaty, shin splint-inducing wagon and into the soft, downy, warm mattressy comfort of our bed. But this week, Jason not only figured out how to wake me up when the alarm goes off, but keep me awake, and then force me up to exercise in a cloud of grumpiness and morning breath.

How did he manage this impossible feat? Well, he talks to me after the alarm goes off. Do you get that? He hits the snooze button – which is for the sole purpose of snoozing – and then talks to me. And expects answers.

Answers that awaken me and make me even more aware that Sunny’s 12 pounds are firmly positioned on my bladder. It’s remarkably effective: I’m awake, so I may as well get up and exercise.

Sneaky bastard.

Plus, once we’re up, he turns on every light in the house to ensure that I don’t fall back into REM activity while I’m standing (because I can do that). The bedroom light: flip. The closet light: flip. The aquarium light: flip. Flip, flip, flip, until our house resembles a baseball stadium at night.

While I can’t muster conversation unless I’ve been awake for 20 minutes, never mind complimentary conversation, let me now take this opportunity to thank my husband for dragging my grouchy, sloth-like body out of bed to exercise. Thanks, Jason. I’ll think of you the next time I’m shadowboxing.

We’ve been exercising to the Biggest Loser Cardio Max DVD while the cats lounge lazily on the couch, staring slit-eyed and bleary at us between catnaps. And Bob the trainer, the one who is all into touchy-feely exercising and yoga on the show, “warms us up” by immediately launching into jumping rope. That’s NOT warming up – warming up is stretching; stretching where you’re prone on the floor in a napping position, or at the very least, sitting. Jumping rope as a warm-up is like warming up for a run by sprinting a mile.

And the lunges. Good lord, the lunges. And the squats! Always with the squats. At one point I screamed silently, “I have ARMS too, you know!” But no, there were even more squats. (While holding weights!) Of course, it’s really quite the workout: you sweat, you feel your muscles vibrating in pain during the workout, and sometimes you have to sit down because it’s just too much to ask a mortal to hold the push-up position for 60 seconds.

But I bet it’s all worth it. And when it is, I’ll tell you all about it. Sometime early in the morning, with all the lights on.

“Flushing pickles down toilet”

Well, it can’t be any worse than using that stupid 2000 Flushes tablet as far as preventing your toilet from flushing.

“Dustin Diamond butter”

Here’s what happens when you search for one of the things I dislike the most with one of the things I love the most.

“Find puffcorn in Vegas”

What gets eaten in Vegas, stays in Vegas. And seriously, you’re in Vegas, with plenty of entertainment and sights, and you’re concerned about finding PUFFCORN? That’s hardcore.

“House centipedes reviews”

I give these house centipedes FIVE STARS!!! They’re great, especially with their ability to wait until I’m naked and defenseless to make their appearance! Would do business with again! A+++++++!

“Petco phone interview went okay”

Not great, but okay. I like to imagine why it only went okay. “Do you like animals?” “No.” “OK, we’ll let you know.”

“Rabid raccoon army”

We went camping last year and let’s just say the animals in the woods messed with us and leave it at that.

“Childrens in our life”

Right now, no childrens. And if they look anything like these children, it’ll remain that way.

“Smelling flowers and butt pops up”

Such detailed problems these google searchers have, huh?

“Toes are very skilled”

Definitely a quote from Jason. Do you know how weird it is to be folding laundry with him, when something falls out of the dryer onto the floor, and without missing a beat in either his clothes folding or his conversation, he uses his toes to pick up the fallen item and replace it into the laundry basket? Well, it’s very weird.

“July 32nd”

Yes, my plan is gaining momentum! I’ll draw up a petition.

“So I said rectum and you killed him good work”

HA HA!

“Monkey asses”

This was our code word when Jason was quitting smoking. I was also giving up Mt. Dew at the time. We called this code word whenever one of us was being a tool and the other wanted them to back off. Approximate number of times I screeched it like a howler monkey: one billion.

This weekend, Jason gave me one of my birthday presents, an item I have been coveting forever, and always the one piece in the display case that was never on sale. Now it’s on my neck:

I love it.

He also took me to Pittsburgh Blue, this fabulous steak place where their portions were “Gigantic,” “Good Lord, that’s the Small?” and “Digestively Impossible.” My filet mignon was to die for, and our dessert of cheesecake was at least six servings. We made it last for four, but that’s because we’re pigs.

We also went bowling at the one place where I inexplicably bowl well. Nowhere else in the universe does this happen, but I bowled a 114, a 107 and a 148. Jason, meanwhile, was struggling with consistency, where “consistency” means not following up a strike with a gutter ball, and he smiled tightly and nodded when the guy in the lane next to us asked if he was letting me win.

Today at work, my printer for the iMac arrived, and the computer is schedule to arrive sometime this afternoon. I am geekily giddy. And when I checked my regular mailbox, I saw that our Twins season tickets had arrived, and I may or may not have hugged them to my chest like a long-lost friend while wearing a smile too big for my face.

I love March.

I would like to wish the founder of this site, my beautiful wife Shauna, a very happy birthday!