Now is the winter of our severe discontent
Person Sick of Winter (PSOW): Thank you for meeting with me. I’d have met you outside on our nice cedar bench, but you know.
Contract Killer (CK): No problem.
PSOW: Here’s half your money, as requested.
CK, pocketing manila envelope: Excellent. Tell me a little about the target.
PSOW: Well, its name is Winter, and at first everyone loved it. But that was almost 6 months ago and it’s outlived its usefulness.
CK: I see.
PSOW: Last year at this time it was 81 degrees. 81! Today it’s only supposed to be 46. And tomorrow it’s supposed to snow.
CK: And this is unacceptable behavior?
PSOW: Yes, I have short-sleeved shirts to wear!
CK: Ah. OK, what are some of Winter’s daily habits? Does it have a routine?
PSOW: Oh, who knows? My sources the meteorologists say it’s gone one day, but then it comes back the next. The yard’s been almost completely free of snow five times now, but it always comes back.
CK: Interesting.
PSOW, whispering: What method will you use for the hit?
CK: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a prolonged exposure to a high-energy light source.
PSOW: Don’t you have anything faster?
CK: Like what?
PSOW: I don’t know – a laser beam or something.
CK: I think you’ve seen too many movies.
PSOW: Well, whatever. I’ll pay you double if it’s gone by the end of the week.
CK: I’ll see what I can do.
PSOW: Thank you.
CK: Hey, do you mind if I take some snow home with me? For background information, of course.
PSOW: TAKE IT ALL.
HA HA! I promise I’m trying really hard to laugh with you and not AT you
If it’s any consolation, I think I’ve had similar conversations regarding summer. I have LONG-sleeved shirts to wear you know…
Comment by Gretchen — March 26, 2008 @ 12:07 pm
Oh my GOD I know. It is nearly APRIL!!! This is unacceptable.
Comment by Saly — March 26, 2008 @ 12:11 pm
Ha! The last line is killer.
Comment by Jess — March 26, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
Does your contract killer do any work in the area of traffic congestion?
Comment by My Buddy Mimi — March 26, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
I marvel at your imagination, as usual.
And yes, summer needs to ARRIVE already.
Comment by amber — March 26, 2008 @ 12:24 pm
I am SO with you. The weather highlight this week in Seattle low 40’s and rain. That’s it. All WEEK LONG! It’s too much. I can’t even imagine the mood I’d be in if I was still living in MN. Shauna I totally feel for you.
Comment by Emily — March 26, 2008 @ 12:34 pm
if we get another round of snow here, and all the little buds that have fiiiiiinally come out die? well. things will NOT GO WELL, i can tell you what.
Comment by Alice — March 26, 2008 @ 12:42 pm
Ha, ha! I wish I were half as creative as you, Shauna.
Comment by Artemisia — March 26, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
I swear we didn’t have a summer last year AT ALL. I’m waiting for this winter to end, too. it is rainy and YUCK today. I don’t know how people deal with months and months of snow. Once upon a time, we had snow for two weeks and I thought I was going to die.
Comment by Shannon — March 26, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
I’ll go in on that hit.
Comment by Penny — March 26, 2008 @ 8:11 pm
A.M.E.N! You would think everyone would move away from MN at this rate, and yet we all stay. It’s like a sickness.
I heard someone say today that the weather “keeps all the riffraff out.” Whatever. I’ll take the riffraff if they bring summer with them.
Comment by Becky — March 26, 2008 @ 8:46 pm
The snow is FINALLY all melted out of our yard (for the fourth time.) I am waiting with bated breath to see if it’s for reals this time or just playing with our heads again.
You know how in school when you’re little, the March bulletin board is always decorated with, like, umbrellas and kites? What a load of bull.
Comment by Sarah — March 27, 2008 @ 7:07 am
Well, I’m impressed, even if he isn’t! Very cool you did that from scratch!
Comment by Rhea — March 27, 2008 @ 4:48 pm
oops, sorry about the double post. Hand spasm from spending too much time on Pioneer Woman’s new site. lol
Comment by Rhea — March 27, 2008 @ 4:48 pm