Entry™
One aspect of my job involves doing trademark searches. It can be pretty tedious, especially when the naming committee (of which I am sometimes a member, so I am also to blame) commits to names that are as generic as possible. (“How about “the”? That would be a good name – see if that’s available.”)
I then have to slog through hundreds of entries on the U.S. Patent & Trademark site to make sure there’s no conflict with using the name, market- or geography-wise. You wouldn’t believe what ends up being trademarked. Like the word “Bacon” (musical instruments); “Poop” (a line of t-shirts, sweatshirts and hats); and “Dick’s Perky Pickles” which, despite what it sounds like, are actually pickles. Blended with horseradish.
When the boredom becomes too much, I sometimes escape to the bathroom. We have private bathrooms at work. One toilet, one sink, one door that can be locked, zero ways for the account managers to find me and give me more work. Heavenly.
Usually there’s a spray bottle full of some scented crap to get rid of the scent of crap, and yesterday I was pleasantly surprised to walk into the bathroom and smell vanilla. But as I took a deep breath, I realized much too late that it wasn’t vanilla, but rather the smell a industrial-sized barrel of baby powder would give off if it exploded in a 6X6 room with no ventilation.
After guzzling a glass of water to rid the coating of powder on my tongue, I set about making oatmeal for breakfast. I am very particular about it: the amount of water I add has to be precise. As I was adding water, a coworker started talking to me. Because I couldn’t do two things at once, namely, add water to my oatmeal and translate thoughts into speech, I added too much.
I let it congeal for a bit and decided to try it. And my first spoonful featured a hanging string of watery oatmeal intestines, god almighty, and I’m not sure I can recover. I cannot express to you the sheer magnitude of my dismay. The oatmeal was slimy, watery and hanging from my spoon defiantly when it should have already been digesting in my stomach. Gaaaaaah™.
I hear ya on the oatmeal. Sometimes I try to nuke it for a while and see if that helps, but usually too much water calls for a total do-over.
Don’t you have, like, an ATTORNEY or something who can do the trademark search? That sounds like a nervous tummy job!
Comment by Tessie — February 22, 2008 @ 1:27 pm
The oatmeal story is horrifying. But I am still stuck on the idea of account managers running into a non-single bathroom and checking for your shoes under the door so they could assign you work while you were peeing. You’d have to start wearing very generic shoes.
Comment by Jess — February 22, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
Tessie, I just do an “informal” search. We advise the client to go through an attorney for a formal search before they start using the name.
Comment by Shauna — February 22, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
Mmm. I would like some of those horseradish pickles.
I always add too little water to my oatmeal (on purpose), then supplement the texture with milk.
Comment by LoriD — February 22, 2008 @ 1:43 pm
Yech. Oatmeal left to its own devices is na-sty. Must be stirred diligently. It’s a very tricky balance to get it not clumpy and not slimy.
I’m sorry for this horrible experience, on top of the explosion of baby powder smell. That’s just adding insult to injury.
Comment by Sarah — February 22, 2008 @ 1:51 pm
This reminds me not to complain too much about the tedium of my job.
Also, loved this “a spray bottle full of some scented crap to get rid of the scent of crap”
I think that would be a suitable gimmick for an air freshner, no?
Comment by Penny — February 22, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
Over the years I have almost completely stopped using air fresheners of any kind. It’s not that I mind the smell of roses. I just don’t like it with an undertone of poop.
Comment by My Buddy Mimi — February 22, 2008 @ 2:36 pm
I used to have to do business name searches at my old attorney job, and the shit people named their businesses would crack me up.
Comment by slynnro — February 22, 2008 @ 6:02 pm
Oh, the oatmeal thing. It’s tough to get the exact right amount of liquid so it’s not too runny. And holy crap I need to find me some Dick’s Perky Pickles, because pickles with horseradish sound AWESOME!
Comment by JMC — February 22, 2008 @ 7:31 pm
I’m am totally anal about how much water goes in the oatmeal too. If you overdo it, you’re screwed.
Comment by Stephanie — February 22, 2008 @ 8:54 pm
For those of you that were craving horseradish pickles, here is an awesome recipe to make your own:
Drain 1 quart of “baby dill” or “cocktail dill” pickles. Put 1/3 cup of horseradish on top of the pickles.
Combine the next 3 ingredients:
1 cup of sugar
1/2 cup white vinegar
1/2 cup water
Bring to a boil. Pour over pickles and swish them around several times. Refrigerate. Let sit for 1 or 2 days. Enjoy!
Comment by Becky — February 23, 2008 @ 8:57 am
That’s gross about the oatmeal. And while I’m positive you don’t need validation from me, this was a great post.
Comment by amber — February 23, 2008 @ 4:10 pm
Oh, God! I hate when I screw up my oatmeal and it grows mucus.
*gag* *GAG*
I do hope your day improves.
Dick’s Perky Pickles? They HAD to have had a sense of humor when naming that product!
Comment by Artemisia — February 25, 2008 @ 12:48 pm