Pickles & Dimes

We’ll be working on Jason’s version of a children’s story probably sometime this weekend. It’s hilarious, so keep your eyes peeled.

In the meantime, the following happened to me yesterday and practically begged to be presented in this format. Previous entries can be found here.

“YAY! IT IS FINALLY TIME TO GO HOME,” says the work clock.

“BRRR. IT IS MINUS FIVE DEGREES OUTSIDE,” says the bank thermometer outside of work.

“HA. YOU THOUGHT I WOULD TURN GREEN, DIDN’T YOU?” says the crosswalk light.

“HI,” says Shauna’s car doors. “UM…WE CANNOT OPEN. WE’RE FROZEN, ACTUALLY.”

“OW!” says Shauna’s car key. “WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME?!? I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH HERE.”

“WE SHOULD PROBABLY HEAD BACK INSIDE,” says Shauna’s mittens. “WE’RE NOT REALLY UP TO THE CHALLENGE TODAY.”

“HEADING BACK TO WORK, HUH? DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING?” says Shauna’s coworker, who was smart enough not to wash their car on a 40-degree day that would be followed by a -5 degree day.

“WELL, HELLO AGAIN,” says the crosswalk light. “TOO BAD I’M NOT GREEN RIGHT NOW. GUESS YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE AND A HALF FOR ME TO CHANGE.”

“HELLO?” says Jason on the phone.

“MY CAR DOORS ARE FROZEN SHUT,” says Shauna. “WHAT SHOULD I DO?”

“WELL,” says Jason. “YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE WASHED YOUR CAR.” (“DULY NOTED,” thinks Shauna’s sense of wounded pride.) “TRY IT A FEW MORE TIMES AND THEN CALL ME IF YOU NEED A RIDE.”

Shauna asks her coworkers for advice. Here’s what they say, kids!

1. Blow warm air on the keyhole.

2. Heat the car key with a lighter.

3. Pour hot water on the door.

4. Use a blowtorch.

5. Get someone to give her a ride to a gas station to get some de-icer.

“LET’S TRY #1 AND #2, AND IF THOSE DON’T WORK, WE’LL TRY #5,” says Shauna.

“SERIOUSLY?” says Shauna’s fingers. “WE NO LONGER HAVE FEELING IN US, UNLESS YOU COUNT ‘HOT STABBY PAIN THAT RESEMBLES A DOG BITE’ AS A FEELING.”

“LOOKEE HERE,” says the crosswalk light. “GUESS WHAT? STILL NOT GREEN! I ESTIMATE YOU HAVE SPENT 12 MINUTES STANDING ON THIS STREET CORNER…SLOWLY SUCCUMBING TO FROSTBITE.”

“#1 IS NOT WORKING,” says Shauna’s lips.

“I LAUGH AT YOUR ATTEMPT AT #2,” says the wind, which is blowing at 35 mph.

“IT IS NOW -11 DEGREES,” says the bank thermometer. “JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW, IN CASE THE NUMBING SENSATION IN YOUR FACE HASN’T TOLD YOU ALREADY.”

“WE’D RELEASE SOME TEARS RIGHT NOW,” says Shauna’s eyes, “BUT WE ARE AFRAID THEY WOULD FREEZE TO YOUR FACE.”

“CAN I GIVE YOU A RIDE TO A GAS STATION?” says Shauna’s now-favorite coworker.

“HERE IS THE DE-ICER,” says the gas station attendant. “IF THIS DOESN’T WORK, YOU COULD TRY A BLOWTORCH LIGHTER FOR $20.”

“NOPE,” says Shauna’s car door lock. “THIS DE-ICER IS NOT WORKING.”

“PLEASE?” says the de-icer.

“COME ON!!!” says Shauna’s remaining shred of sanity.

“OK,” says the car.

“HI,” says Jason, after Shauna gets home an hour late. “YOU SHOULD NOT WASH YOUR CAR DURING THE WINTER EVER AGAIN.”

“DEAL,” says Shauna.

THE END.