Incident report
Date of incident: Friday, January 4, 2008
Time of incident: Approximately 7:38 pm
Location of incident: Driveway
Description of incident:
Complainant (hereafter known as Subject S) was returning her vehicle to the garage after a dinner out.
Defendant (hereafter known as Subject J) was standing in the driveway waiting for Subject S.
According to multiple neighboring witnesses, Subject J created a compact “snowball” made from remnants found in the subjects’ yard. Subject J then “lobbed” said “snowball” at Subject S.
Subject S was struck at high velocity in the forehead region, resulting in a temporary lack of logical speech, as evidenced by neighbors’ claims that she exclaimed, “WHAT the F@#$!” at top volume.
Subject J immediately inquired about Subject S’s welfare in between uncontrollable bouts of laughter.
Subject S reported that the frozen projectile “hurt!!!” and was “super cold, dammit!”
Witnesses also report that Subject S had partial remains of the frozen projectile stuck in her hair, scarf and coat.
When prodded as to his intentions, Subject J maintained that he did not “mean to hit her,” clarifying that he “only wanted to hit [her] in the coat. Or maybe the garage door…to scare her.”
Upon self-administering medical attention, Subject S discovered a red bump on her forehead that was described as “hurty” and “fricking freezing.”
Follow up: The red bump on Subject S’s forehead disappeared after 10 minutes, when it was replaced with a small cut, which according to Subject J “is barely visible.” Despite that assertion, Subject S maintains that Subject J “is so dead.”
What the fuck, so it was like a WARNING SHOT?
He only wanted to hit you “in the coat”. Hee. This reminds me of the snowball fight in Dumb and Dumber.
Comment by Tessie — January 7, 2008 @ 11:13 am
Also, I recommend a snowball DOWN THE BACK OF THE SHIRT. Particularly when the shirt is TUCKED IN.
Comment by Tessie — January 7, 2008 @ 11:13 am
This writes just like an actual complaint (like the legal pleading kind). Hilarious. And also, WTF? Pay back?
Comment by Flibberty — January 7, 2008 @ 11:22 am
I would let J know that you will be getting him back. Perhaps a “How I met your mother”-esque slap countdown clock would be in order.
Comment by My Buddy Mimi — January 7, 2008 @ 11:24 am
You need to WAIT to get him back. Let him forget about it for awhile, think he’s in the clear, and then when he’s not expecting it… WHAM. Except I’m not quite sure what the WHAM should be yet.
Comment by Jess — January 7, 2008 @ 11:38 am
Subject J has bad aim or is a liar. I hope whatever you do leaves a mark!
Comment by LoriD — January 7, 2008 @ 12:10 pm
Oh, definitely let him wait and suffer in the waiting. Come up with something good to get him back and be sure to let us know about it.
Comment by JMC — January 7, 2008 @ 12:14 pm
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Oh, man.
“Hurty.” Awesome. Plan you revenge, dearly. Plan it well.
Comment by Artemisia — January 7, 2008 @ 12:46 pm
I see there is a lynch mob coming to get me.
Comment by Jason — January 7, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
A snowball down the pants is definitely in order.
Comment by Shellly — January 7, 2008 @ 2:03 pm
hahahaha! Maybe freeze all his underwear?
Comment by Penny — January 7, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
Heh. I always forget that this is JASON’s blog too. Instead I go all “GET OUT OF OUR FORT YOU STINKY BOY!”
Comment by Tessie — January 7, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
It’s Shauna’s blog, I’m just a hanger-on.
Comment by Jason — January 7, 2008 @ 6:42 pm
I love the format, and I agree with Jess – a late spot of revenge is definitely in order. Sweet, sweet revenge. We’ll have to help you think of something.
Comment by amber — January 7, 2008 @ 8:12 pm
Revenge my dear!
Also, where in the world do you live that there’s still SNOW?! It’s practically summere here in NYC!
Comment by Stephanie — January 7, 2008 @ 9:41 pm
Stephanie,
We live in Minneapolis, where the snow has been melting a ton, but that just means the stuff that’s left is prime snowball-making snow.
Comment by Shauna — January 8, 2008 @ 9:52 am