At ease, boys
Oh my God, Friday, did you get LOST?
Today I have to give a presentation at work, which I am mildly freaking out about. It’s about direct marketing, which, zzzzzz, and it’s scheduled for 2:00, which in my book is during Friday afternoon hours and therefore sucks.
But the presentation’s only to fellow coworkers and I’ve read the required books and prepared the obligatory PowerPoint presentation with the gratuitous talking points, and…I’m wearing my new red shoes with a black blazer that makes me look extra skinny even though I bought this blazer my freshman year of college and it still has shoulder pads.
Friday is now also the day where I am the unwilling participant in the Office Chain of Command, which consists of Lt. Lazy not dealing with client issues until Friday and then quickly shuffling the project to Captain Procrastination, who then takes a 3-hour lunch before passing it on to Major Timewaster, who talks with everyone in the building before passing it on to Colonel Promiseseverything, who lets the customer move the deadline up by 4 hours and then hands the project off to General Hyperventilation, who throws it at me with wild gesticulations and inadequate oxygen, while giving me approximately 3 minutes to edit something that should take 45 minutes.
I also tweaked something in my neck/shoulder area so badly that it was nearly impossible to back out of the driveway this morning, as I couldn’t move my head to the right at all. And washing my hair was only possible after I used my hands to prop back my head.
I blame Abby, because she was up on the bed ALL NIGHT, which meant I spent my sleeping hours on my right side and only on my right side, because I have slowly become Pavlov-conditioned to not move when she’s on the bed.
But, after Abby almost choked to death last night – a frightening 5-minute period where I pounded her between the shoulder blades while contemplating how I would perform the Heimlich while she drooled and lurched and, at one point, began convulsing before finally uttering the loudest barking noise I’ve ever heard and swallowing the obstruction – I kept her in my sights at all times and even touched her in places she frowns upon, like her belly and back paws, just so I could hear her hiss or growl or meow (hoarsely) at me. After that scare, I’ll gladly sacrifice a pinched nerve to know she’s OK.
Wow. Just, wow. Um, good luck with all that. Do you know what Abby swallowed??? I’d be afraid that it would come back up to haunt you. Hate to find **that** in the garage in the morning.
And is there any chance that you’ll tell us what your Workplace rank & title is?
Comment by whimsy — November 9, 2007 @ 12:58 pm
Whimsy,
I think Abby just ate too fast, because the only thing that came up was two undigested kernels of cat food.
My title is officially Copywriter/Proofreader, although I do way more of the latter and not enough of the former. It’s a Boys Club and an uphill struggle, although in the words of my husband, it really is a “cake job” and I adore it.
And I suppose my rank would be “Plebe.”
Comment by Shauna — November 9, 2007 @ 1:04 pm
How can you proofread under pressure? I cannot fathom. EVERYTHING LOOKS WRONG HERE AND I AM FREKAING OUT! That was me. You know, not how you would handle it.
All of you people who write at work and also have blogs…I don’t get. Aren’t you like WRITTEN OUT? The only thing I write at work is email. This is how I have the energy for blog comments and posting.
Comment by Tessie — November 9, 2007 @ 1:42 pm
I’m really glad that Abby’s okay, but how is it that cats make the most unholy racket when they’re choking or getting ready to hurl the tiniest bits? It’s when Fergus is lurching around the floor silently that I know I’m in for Something Monumental in the worst way possible.
Comment by whimsy — November 9, 2007 @ 3:36 pm
Ha ha ha! Your description of the work flow has me laughing. Because it is so true. I hope you have a relaxing weekend planned!
Comment by Artemisia — November 9, 2007 @ 4:53 pm
“Major Timewaster” is the best name ever and also, I love that you are above the general on the chain of command. That makes you, like, the president, right? Or am I just exposing my complete lack of military knowledge by saying that?
Glad Abby’s okay.
Comment by Jess — November 11, 2007 @ 5:30 am
Is Abby your cat? My cat made barking noises, and I can relate to the panic. Cats shouldn’t bark, ever. Also, your chain of command names made me laugh aloud.
Comment by Amber — November 11, 2007 @ 10:50 am
Jess,
Technically, I have the chain of command backwards, but since the level of hysteria rises with every level, I thought it was more appropriate.
Amber,
Yep, Abby’s one of our two cats. She’s 13 1/2, but still acts like a kitten. Especially with the whole ’snarfing her food without chewing’ act.
And Tessie,
I LOVE proofreading – and writing. I can’t do either enough!
Comment by Shauna — November 11, 2007 @ 11:39 am
I love your office heroes. I think that a comic book series is in order. Seriously.
Comment by Penny — November 11, 2007 @ 3:44 pm
Our cats are now acting as if they are disgusting hair-covered, um, paperclips and the bed is a magnet. (What?) I guess since it’s getting colder, they sleep with us to stay warm. A) Jelly Roll has retrained me to sleep only on my right side, as well. B) Pet noises in the middle of the night are horrible. Horrrrrible. I’m sorry for the racket, and the tweaking of the neck. I sympathize!
Comment by blacksheeped — November 11, 2007 @ 6:01 pm