Eye still hate you
I had to have an eye exam today. Those of you who know about my intense displeasure at having my eyes touched can probably imagine my enthusiasm.
After I checked in and elicited numerous reassurances that this eye exam would not involve eye-touching, I was left alone in the exam room. I took advantage of the lax security by searching the contact samples, hoping to steal a 30-year supply and ensuring I’d never need an eye exam again. They didn’t have my brand. Naturally.
The doctor came in and after I made her raise her right hand and promise not to touch my eye, she conducted the usual tests, which I think I failed.
“Which is clearer? Number 1 or Number 2?”
“Number 1.”
“Are you sure?”
“Um…Yes?”
“Try again.”
As the exam progressed, I felt calmer. Why would they need to touch my eye? The doctor already agreed that my contacts looked good, so there was no need to be fitted with new ones; that horrific glaucoma puff test had been replaced by the jaundice-inducing eye drops, my prescription hadn’t really changed; and my eyes looked healthy. I was in the clear.
That’s when the doctor told me she was going to insert some numbing drops.
“Numbing drops?!? What for?” I asked, looking for the nearest eye instrument to fashion into a weapon.
“Oh, to test for blah blah blah blah.”
“I thought you said you weren’t going to touch my eye!”
“I’m not going to touch your eye,” she said, clearly annoyed with me. “Just the outer layer of tears.“
Would this be the outer layer of tears located 14 blocks away? Or the outer layer of tears located ON MY EYE?!?
As she used her dagger-sharpened fingernail to pull my eyelid up (which, JESUS), I had to endure a moving, neon purple metal tip touch my eye not once, but 5 times, because oops, I kept moving. Also, I kept dying.
Then she put those dilating drops in my eyes and made me wait in the waiting room with 50 other people because the other doctor was behind schedule. I looked like a dork, wearing lame paper sunglasses, the poor man’s version of Nicole Richie. Also, I was blind, since I had to remove my contacts, and the only reading material was a magazine about asthma. Which I read cover to cover. TWICE.
The other doctor then spent 2 minutes with me, but I didn’t care because he didn’t touch my eye, which meant I allowed him to live.
It’s now been over two hours since I’ve gotten back to work and my pupils are still dilated. For reference, this is a great condition to have if you need to edit documents for a living. Or to see.
The plus side? I’m totally waiting for nighttime. I bet I’ll have killer night vision. You know, underneath my outer layer of tears.
Neon purple? I love purple, and I still think that’s mean. Doesn’t she realize how close her fluorescent nails are going to get to people’s instruments of seeing?
Comment by Jess — September 18, 2007 @ 1:02 pm
Actually, her fingernails weren’t purple; it was the metal tip thingy that was purple. It had this huge bright light behind it and it moved ever so slowly toward your eye.
You know, so you can enjoy the whole “watching your impending death arrive” experience.
Comment by Shauna — September 18, 2007 @ 1:11 pm
What in the H does that test for? And the poof test is gone? I just had the poof test! Does this mean my doctor is grossly out-dated? Oh I hope so, because no matter how calm I try to make myself, I completely spazz out when the poof hits my eye-ball and I prefer to remain spaz-free if I can.
Comment by Flibberty — September 18, 2007 @ 1:16 pm
I just saw the episode of Friends where Rachel had to get the poof test. Ha! I don’t mind my eye balls being touched. Not that it happens on a regular basis but I am good and picking eyelashes out of my eye. I have gas-permeable contacts (hard) so maybe that’s why.
Comment by Sara — September 18, 2007 @ 1:39 pm
I always hear about people having the “touch the eyeball” test, but I have never, ever had it. What the hell? I, too, had the puff and that was only a couple of months ago. Must be some special Texas eyecare standard.
Comment by Tessie — September 18, 2007 @ 2:27 pm
I had my eyes examined last December, and they used the drops and did not use the poof test. I hate the poof test. However, they never touched my eyeballs. Which is a good thing, or my reflex might be to move my knee at the speed of light to their balls located in a lower anatomical position. Maybe I get off easy because not only do other people not touch my eyeballs, contacts do not touch them either. I still wear me my glasses.
Comment by PixelPi — September 18, 2007 @ 2:35 pm
Bwah! Horrific experience I am sure but damn funny to read about here. I think you need to provide a photo of those paper sunglasses.
Comment by Penny — September 18, 2007 @ 3:24 pm
Flibberty & Tessie,
I dunno about the puff test. I was told these drops are the new test for glaucoma and this is the third time I’ve had them. Which is fine with me, because I despised the puff test.
I have no idea what the “touch the eye” test is for, because as soon as I realized I was going to have my eye touched, I stopped listening.
Penny,
Alas, I left the paper sunglasses in doctor #2’s office. I should’ve kept them and worn them in public like it was normal.
Comment by Shauna — September 18, 2007 @ 4:51 pm
Ug. I hate! eye exams.
I’ve been having some vision problems as of late. I keep telling myself that it’s all in my head, but then I notice signs are blurry and I’m getting headaches more frequently. I have reading glasses. Now if only I’d wear them.
Comment by kerrianne — September 18, 2007 @ 6:38 pm
I couldn’t resist commenting. I’m in optometry school and I can attest to the fact that we don’t use the puff test because we’ve switched to the prism light test. It helps measure the pressure within your eyes; if you have high pressure readings it can be a sign of glaucoma or of systemic health problems that appears before actual visual changes occur. When I have a patient who is uncomfortable with the test I pin their eyelid (and my fingertips only ever have short, trimmed nails) and I move FAST, so I’m sorry your doctor was doing it slowly! I also have the patient count to five with me and I’m usually done with the test by 3.
Anyway, off the soapbox. I like your site! Especially when you write about wings. =)
Comment by Jen — September 18, 2007 @ 7:10 pm
wait! i’m confused! how can you wear contacts but hate having your eyes touched?? once i got contacts i could practically have had little ants hold carnivals on my eyeballs and i’d be all “eh, whatever, i have to pry a contact off there later anyway, THIS doesn’t bother me.”
Comment by Alice — September 18, 2007 @ 11:26 pm
Jen,
Thanks for the info! I think if I’d have known what to expect, I *might’ve* been a little calmer about it. The doctor may have explained it to me, but I was too busy freaking out, so I probably wasn’t listening.
Alice,
I know – it’s weird. *I* can touch my eyes, but I can’t stand when anyone else touches them. I think it’s because I don’t know the exact moment they’re going to make contact, so my anticipation makes me blink too soon and makes it worse.
Comment by Shauna — September 19, 2007 @ 8:42 am
OH, I totally have that eye-touching phobia too. It’s awful. I can’t even stand something pointing in the direction of my eyes. It drives me NUTS. Sorry about the miserable eye exam. Hopefully you can check that off your list for a long time.
Comment by Erin — September 19, 2007 @ 12:02 pm
I hate going to eye doctors a lot. I don’t have any phobias, but it’s all vaguely awkward and sometimes annoying. Like the time one doctor told me I was going to go blind, and ART sure was a dumb major for someone who would go blind someday. And now I nervously ask every year, with each new doctor, if I am going to go blind, and even when they scoff and say “no way, never!” I don’t know if I should believe them or not.
The cats don’t really do that nail picking thing anymore. They’ve gotten way more feet relaxed, the longer we use the claw caps. I recommend them a TON.
Comment by blacksheeped — September 19, 2007 @ 12:21 pm
Oh, how I hate both the puff test and the purple light EYEBALL-TOUCHY-THING. They always have to do these tests several times because I get so stressed out the pressure readings indicate that my eyeball should have exploded. But there is no exploded eyeball. Just a history of a patient who FREAKS OUT.
Hang in there!
Comment by Artemisia — September 19, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
You can’t trust eye doctors. They lie. They always want to finger your eyeball. *shudder* Lucky for me, my doc is a male and therefore has acceptable finger nails.
Comment by Amber — September 19, 2007 @ 6:46 pm
She totally touched your eye. TOTALLY.
Comment by Swistle — September 24, 2007 @ 8:59 pm