Our life: a children’s book, vol. 2
Volume One is here.
“HEY,” says the front yard. “I HAVE ANOTHER GOPHER HOLE IN ME.”
“LET’S DROWN THE GOPHER!” says the garden hose.
“YOU SHOULD MAYBE HAVE CHANGED BEFORE DOING THIS,” says Shauna’s soggy and muddy dress shoe.
“HEY – IT REALLY SMELLS LIKE SKUNK ALL OF A SUDDEN,” says Shauna’s nose.
“SOMETHING JUST TOUCHED ME!” says Shauna’s leg.
“AIIIIIIEEEE!” says Shauna’s lungs.
“OH, SORRY. THAT WAS ME,” says the garden hose.
“YOU’RE A BASTARD,” says Shauna’s heart.
“ME-ROW? ME-ROW! ME-ROW!!!!!!!!!!” says the kitty in the house.
“HI,” says the caterpillar purchased from the State Fair that turned into a cocoon. “I’M EMPTY NOW. WHERE IN THIS COMPLETELY GIANT HOUSE DO YOU THINK MY BUTTERFLY IS?”
“DOWN HERE!” says the butterfly, hanging at cat-eye level from the wastebasket like an exotic treat.
“DID SOMEONE SAY ‘TREAT’? says the other kitty, pawing at the butterfly.
“NO!” says Shauna, as she carries the butterfly to the downstairs bathroom and closes the door.
“GREETINGS!” says the house centipede, which was only pretending to be dead. Don’t you love to play pretend, kids?
“EXCUSE ME. I AM NOW LOCKED,” says the bathroom door.
“OH NO YOU’RE NOT!” says Shauna.
“OH YES I AM,” says the doorknob.
“YAY! YOU’RE FINALLY GOING TO USE US!” says the bamboo skewers.
“THIS IS NOT WORKING,” says the doorknob.
“WE’RE IN THE WAY, AREN’T WE?” says the washer and dryer.
Let’s see what the Internet recommends, kids!
1. Use a knife to jimmy it open. 
2. Use a screwdriver to remove the doorknob. 
3. Use a credit card. 
4. Bust the door! 
5. Call someone to help you. 
None of these are helpful. Let’s try the bamboo skewer again, shall we?
“POP,” says the doorknob. “YAY – IT WORKED! YOU ARE SOME KIND OF LOCK-PICKING MASTERMIND!”
“RING, RING,” says the phone.
“HI,” says Jason. “WHATCHA BEEN DOING – RELAXING?”
Hahahaha this story has the best ending EVER. Too bad it didn’t depict the bloody phone-homicide, though.
Comment by Jess — September 14, 2007 @ 1:51 pm
Did that seriously WORK? In my college apartment, the bathroom door locked FROM THE INSIDE and when I locked myself out I had to use the “take off the doorknob” trick. Which I did WITH A HAMMER. Next time, though: skewers.
This was funny, funny!
Comment by Tessie — September 14, 2007 @ 2:17 pm
Tessie,
YES – it worked! I couldn’t believe it either. It was hard though, because the way the door is situated (right next to our washer and dryer), I had a really weird angle to work with and it was only after I broke the skewer in half and inserted it precisely in the middle of the doorknob hole that it hit that little locking button dead-on.
Comment by Shauna — September 14, 2007 @ 2:31 pm
OMG, you are cracking me up. Best story ever!!!
Comment by Shelly — September 14, 2007 @ 2:49 pm
That is completely awesome.
Comment by Amber — September 14, 2007 @ 9:14 pm
I love your life as a children’s book stories. They just crack me up. Maybe there should be a series.
The Story of Shauna Planning Her Wedding.
The Story of the Wildlife at Shauna and Jason’s House (to include the centipede, of course).
Move over, Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Comment by PixelPi — September 15, 2007 @ 12:24 pm
Awesome! I will perhaps make that into a children’s book for my daughter. It is much more entertaining than reading about Spot.
Comment by Penny — September 15, 2007 @ 1:26 pm
These are great!
1. How did you come up with this great/fun idea?
2. How long does it actually take you to create the posts with trying to find all those great clip arts?
Thanks for the laughs!
Comment by Me Today — September 18, 2007 @ 10:45 am
Hi Me Today,
Believe it or not, I came up with this idea in the shower. Where I do all my great thinking.
The hardest part is thinking of a post that will translate well into pictures. It doesn’t take me too long to find the images, but it takes awhile to crop them and resize them and upload them to Photobucket.
I’m glad you like this feature! It’s my personal favorite.
Comment by Shauna — September 18, 2007 @ 12:39 pm
That’s the only reason to have bamboo skewers, right?
I love your children’s book stories.
Comment by Parkingathome — April 7, 2008 @ 3:04 pm