Pickles & Dimes

I had yesterday off from work, which was h-e-a-v-e-n-l-y. But because I am an idiot, I decided to check my work email around lunchtime. And then I discovered 63 email messages.

Cripes, people. Everyone knew about my absence well in advance, I had my “out of office” notification on, and yet, in between two routine emails, I had several frenzied emails with subjects like this:

“OMG!!!!!!!!!!WHERE IS SHAUNA?!?!?!?!? THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE ASAP!!!!!!!!”

I totally plan on printing out these emails and bringing them to my annual review. I mean, seriously; It’s not like I’m the CEO of the company or anything.

***

I spent my day off weeding, which normally is therapeutic to me, except I was confronted with a nasty patch of weeds that did not want to come up without a fight, despite the rain-soaked soil it was desperately clinging to. This moist earth was also home to some Chernobyl-reminiscent nightcrawlers, which gave me the heebies to the point that I twice uttered girly screams: once when a leaf tickled my cheek and once when a giant mutant piece of timothy grass touched my kneecap and out of the corner of my eye, looked like a giant, mutant, kneecap-hungry caterpillar. With hundreds of razor-sharp teeth.

***

I also spent my day digging myself out of the giant pile of gifts we received at a bridal shower this weekend. Jason’s mom organized the whole thing and invited some church women. Neither Jason nor I anticipated the gigantic response.

Because of their generosity, we now have to add more items to our registry, because they totally wiped us out. I’m not kidding. And the wedding is still over a month and half away. Anyway, while unboxing and testing items before tossing the packaging, I caught Sunny stalking the gifts. She touched her nose to one item and then immediately jumped back, her tail bushy in fright. When I went to investigate, I saw that she had been frightened by a frying pan. Which wasn’t moving.

***

Remember that Jimmy John’s I wished into existence near our house? Yeah, well, for FIVE months it’s been taunting us with its huge “Coming Soon!” banner. I’d drive by it every morning and think, “Come on!” And then every night I’d drive by it again and sit at the stoplight, glaring at that stupid banner all slit-eyed and gritted teeth and think, “Coming soon…ha! WHATEVER, liars!”

This morning, however, the coming soon banner was gone, replaced by their lit-up neon signage.

Oh, that place better be open tonight. Or there will be hell to pay.

***

Tomorrow is Jason’s birthday and I had to run downtown during my lunch break to get his gift. He’s been bugging me to try to figure out what it is, and I have to literally not say anything to him, because a few years ago, I had a great idea for a birthday present for him, and after being all stealthy and super sneaky and buying it and triple-bagging it before meeting him back at the car, I totally ruined all my hard work by stupidly chirping, “Whew! The last time I bought a camera, it was hard picking one out.”

Jason and I met with our officiant earlier this week to go over the general order of our wedding ceremony.

He gave us a book of sample vows and readings, which we’ll pore over tonight, and I’m pretty sure we’ll go the more traditional route, because otherwise our personalized vows would be something like this:

Jason: “I, Jason, promise to take you to Buffalo Wild Wings every week. I will love and cherish you even though you sleep in on the weekends, leaving me to fend for myself for entertainment in the wee morning hours. I promise not to make fun of you for forgetting everything, including my middle name. I will make jokes about that for as long as we both shall live.”

Shauna: “I, Shauna, promise to try to get up early, without assistance, at least once in my life without complaining. I will love and cherish you even though you insist on pulling “stray” hairs from my head that are almost always still attached. I promise not to make fun of you when you fall asleep while in the middle of counting your cribbage hand. I will make jokes about that for as long as we both shall live.”

The officiant then wanted to visualize how everyone would be standing during the ceremony. As he talked through the order of the bridal party and how they would be entering, he sketched it out, while Jason and I both got a case of the uncontrollable giggles, because he drew this:

Maybe we should have a giant cooler of Gatorade to dump over Jason’s head after we’re pronounced husband and wife.

Yesterday at work I ended up being on the phone for over two hours. TWO HOURS. And the worst part was that I was on a conference call, so everyone could hear the background noises from my office. I couldn’t hit the mute button on my phone, because I was actually required to talk. And I couldn’t go into a private conference room because I needed to look things up on my computer.

So as I’m talking, three coworkers huddle around my office mate’s chair and start a fierce competition to see who will be “America’s Next Loudest Talker.” And I’m shooting them death glares, but they’re oblivious. The call is dragging on and on and I’m still talking and the coworkers next to me are still TALKING, and all of a sudden, I hear this loud humming noise approach, like a swarm of pissed-off bees looking for a fight.

I glance outside my workspace and see my worst nightmare: 50 students standing there, waiting for a tour. All talking excitedly and laughing.

Fifty students. TALKING. LAUGHING. LOUDLY.

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

During the din, my soul tapped me on the shoulder and gestured that it was leaving, along with a few years of my life.

I ended up finishing the call with one finger jammed into my ear canal while waiting for the marching band and the yodelers and the fireworks demonstrators to appear.

They never did. Only because they were probably stuck in traffic.

More strange searches that led people to this site:

“Lohan burger”

They should totally market burgers with busted celebrity mug shots on the wrapper. “Would you like fries with your Nolte Burger, sir?”

“Tuberculosis twins”

I had two former coworkers who were perhaps the most germ-riddled individuals I’ve ever seen. What’s worse, they were best friends, and I assume they just kept swapping their diseases back and forth for eternity, or until one of them finally succumbed to her constant coughing by horfing up her left lung.

“Sexy asthma”

HA HA HAHAHAH. Ask Jason how sexy this is, when in the middle of kissing him, I have to go run to use my inhaler. On second thought, I could totally parlay this into some cheesy notion that “he takes my breath away.” Yes, that’s it.

“Where do you meet players metrodome”

I don’t know, but I would love to meet Pat Neshek, who totally kicks ass; or Justin Morneau, who eats constantly at Jimmy John’s; or Michael Cuddyer, whom I lovingly refer to as “Eye Candy.”

“Cannibalistic goldfish”

Our 25-cent goldfish are gigantic. I mean, really – they’re HUGE. And when one of the original fish started to not be as lively, if you know what I mean, the rest of them started gnawing on him. It was disgusting, and when we decided to flush the fish down the toilet, even though it was still technically alive, I made Jason flush the toilet again approximately 230948098 times. I already have to keep vigilant about the house centipedes; like I need to worry about vengeful goldfish.

“How to shut up bully coworker”

I recommend lots of sarcastic comments at their expense. Seriously. Bullies are not smart and they don’t expect anyone to fight back. If that doesn’t work? Duct tape.

“Rocklahoma review rhino bucket”

Oh, poor Jason. He wanted to go to Rocklahoma so very bad. And it didn’t help that by listening to Dee Snider’s “House of Hair,” he kept hearing how awesome Rocklahoma was. He was very sad, starring in his own version of an informercial: “For just pennies a day, this man’s spirit could be uplifted by classic 80s heavy metal music. Won’t you help?” [cue teardrop]