Pickles & Dimes

Hey, remember that stupid toilet that developed the lazy flush and would sometimes flush um, large deposits, and then inexplicably refuse to flush a single square of toilet paper?

I FIXED IT. WITH MY MIND. (OK, not really with my mind, but I like to add that phrase to sentences because it makes them more dramatic. Go ahead, try it: “I finished typing up that Word document for you…with my mind.” Or, “I hate when drivers cut me off! I wish I could stun them with a laser beam…with my mind.” See? Fun!)

Anyway, the toilet started acting up the day after I added a 2000 Flushes tablet to it. Suspicious, huh? So I did some online research and found a site that claimed the tablet might be the culprit. I then came home, grabbed a plastic bag in lieu of rubber gloves (because I am classy) and grabbed the tablet from the tank, where it immediately dissolved into 3298573897 itty bitty pieces.

The toilet still refused to flush properly. Oh, my wrath – it was great.

I then performed a series of convoluted Internet searches to figure out how to fix it without needing to spend an insane amount of money or time to drain and clean the tank. In the meantime (one month), I used the downstairs bathroom, which made it harder for the house centipedes to find me, but they managed.

When I got home Friday, I flushed the toilet as usual, while mentally composing another chapter of my strongly worded complaint manifesto to the manufacturers of 2000 Flushes. I got a slow flush with no suction in return. I lifted up the tank lid, expecting to see thousands of blue granules floating defiantly in blue miasma. What I saw instead was clear water and a giant, hardened mass of blue concrete near the flapper.

“Hmmm,” I thought. “I have an idea. And it’s either going to work wonderfully or be the worst idea EVER.”

I grabbed a toilet brush and flushed the toilet. While holding the flapper open so the water would run continuously, I forced the remaining coagulated blue gunk down the opening.

It worked! No more blue gunk and the water was clear.

I flushed the toilet again, and was rewarded with a nice strong flush with plenty of power. I then tested the gods and put three generous fistfuls of toilet paper into the bowl, and flushed.

It worked. I never saw such a magnificent sight as that gigantuous wad of toilet paper being merrily whisked down the drain. I did a maniacal dance, complete with insane fist pumping, and then called Jason at work. “I fixed it! I fixed the toilet! I rule!” I screamed.

You wouldn’t think the technology was possible, but I actually heard him roll his eyes.

I don’t care. The toilet is fixed. And I fixed it.

WITH MY MIND.