Pickles & Dimes

Jason and I registered for gifts on Saturday. It was quite the experience, as more than once we caught ourselves arguing over whether items deserved to make the list, as we thought they were too expensive/too cheaply made/too likely to end up in the ‘never-used section’ of our pantry, or because we already had them.

Neither of us are fancy, so instead of registering at Macy’s or Crate & Barrel or Crystal Candy Dish Emporium, we registered at Target and Menards. Yeah, Menards. Try telling me (if you’re a homeowner), that Menards isn’t the best place on Earth.

We found that it’s hard to register for items once you’re over 30 and already living in sin in a house together. And, it leads to arguments like this:

Me: “Let’s get a new frying pan.”
Jason: “We already have three frying pans.”
Me: “But they’re scraped up.”
Jason: “That’s because YOU scraped them up.”
Me: “I disagree. Anyway, I’ll be careful with the new one.”
Jason: “Besides, when’s the last time you cooked dinner for me?”
Me: “Oh, how could the frying pan be scraped up if I never cook for you, huh?”

Jason: “We should get a toaster oven.”
Me: “Where would we put it?”
Jason: “On the counter, where the toaster is now.”
Me: “But we already have a toaster AND an oven.”
Jason: [scans toaster oven]

Me: “Let’s scan this!”
Jason: “No.”
Me: “But I want one for the yard.”
Jason: “Who’s going to buy this for us, wrap it and lug it to a wedding?”
Me: “Someone will. A guy.”
Jason: “It’s a saw.”

Me: “Well, how about this, then?”
Jason: “A hedge trimmer?”
Me: “Yes. For our bushes that are overtaking the yard and will someday be responsible for my mysterious death.”
Jason: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Last year it took me over four hours to trim these by hand.”
Jason: “I know.”
Me: “And the bushes are even larger this year.”
Jason: “I don’t know – a trimmer?”
Me, doing Air Trimmer routine: “But with this, I could be all “˜ZOOM, ZIP, SEEYA STUPID OVERGROWN BUSHES, SUCK ON THIS! HA HA HA!!!’ I’d be done in 4 minutes.”
Jason, alarmed: “OK, freak.”
Me: “Excellent.”

Jason, disappearing with the scanner: “I’ll be right back.”
[Two minutes pass.]
Jason, returning with smug grin.
Me: “What did you do?”
Jason, showing me the scanner: “Nothing.”
Scanner: TAMPONS. 50 COUNT. SUPER ABSORBANCY.