Pickles & Dimes

They finally fixed the air conditioning problem at work and to make sure we don’t ever complain about it being too warm again, they set the temperature at 50 degrees. I don’t want to be labeled as a Chronic Complainer, so I’ve resigned myself both to the fact that I need to wear parkas with my sundresses and that I will be permanently adorned with armfuls of goose bumps.

Today I convinced a similarly chilly coworker to go for a walk around the block. During our stroll through downtown Minneapolis, we saw:

- Two men arguing in the middle of the street, one of who actually said, “You wanna piece a’me?”

- A giant black poodle tied up outside of SexWorld waiting for its owner. (Coworker: “Maybe they’re buying the dog a chew toy?”)

- The spot where coworker saw a drug deal take place at 5:30 p.m. last night; 5:30 still being during broad daylight.

Last month had a lot of repeat searches: “cheesy tots” was the big winner, followed closely by “Jolly Troll” and “Sonic locations in MN.” Here’s some new searches:

“The Thing”

Jason and I have a miniature figurine of The Thing. He is our unofficial travel mascot – despite his overall grumpy attitude – and he’s accompanied us to Mexico, Chicago and Las Vegas. Once we ease ourselves into the 21st century and buy a digital camera, you’ll see more of him. (His Vegas photos are still in the camera and that trip was 2 months ago.) You can see his previous adventures here.

“Diablo Cody autograph”

Diablo Cody is a local gal who used to be a stripper and wrote a book about it. Jason bought this book. Now Diablo is semi-famous and working on a movie based on one of her books.

“Squid Knit”

There’s a very cute squid hat knitting pattern out on the Internet, which I’m not going to link to, because the pattern makes absolutely NO SENSE. Someday, I will not only fulfill my promise to make one for a friend, but also I will share my clearly written and easily understandable pattern with the world.

“Gum with gel inside”

That would be Chewels, which is no longer made. However, I have found a decent enough substitute in a gum called Bubbaloo, which is made by Cadbury Adams. The flavor lasts about 27 seconds, but it makes excellent bubbles, which I like to blow when Jason’s arguing with me because it annoys him.

“Coworkers whispering at work”

Oh my god. I wish I had this problem. I work in a large open area called a bay, and people have decided that the area right next to this bay is the perfect spot to have meetings AT TOP VOLUME, punctuated with lots of HEARTY LAUGHTER. I am also right next to the kitchen (which is not enclosed), so I am subjected to constant MICROWAVING BEEPING and noisy FOOD CHEWERS and SILVERWARE DROPPERS and people who subsist on frozen water because they are endlessly filling large containers WITH HUNDREDS OF ICE CUBES.

Things I actually wondered today (in my head, not out loud where people can make fun of me):

Is Dustin Diamond really such a douchebag in real life as he appears on “Celebrity Fit Club?”

Does Jason have the legal right to expect me to be chipper .0029 seconds after waking up at 6:10 a.m.?

Can the legislature ban cell phone use while driving? Like, right now?

How come America doesn’t implement the 4-day workweek?

How come when I see a tray of sliced fresh fruit, I attack it like a rabid wolverine, but after purchasing fresh fruit that I have to slice myself, I leave it to rot in the fridge?

Does The Secret really work? If so, are my food establishment building powers a result of such thinking? Should I be wishing for something else more beneficial to society, such as a cure for cancer, rather than wishing to have a decent sandwich place within walking distance of my home?

Will Burger King ever stop making creepy commercials featuring that damn mascot stalking people?

Is listening to the same song 58 times in a row unhealthy?

How come I disliked Sarah Jessica Parker intensely for years, but the second she comes out with an under $19.95 clothing line for Steve & Barry’s, I think she’s awesome?

Are John Cena, Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg really the same person?

Overheard at the Metrodome on Friday night while watching the Twins get beat by the Milwaukee Brewers:

“Do they have to mow the turf to get the lines in the outfield?” -Anonymous*

By the way: If you have the opportunity, like we did, to upgrade from the $7 upper deck, general admission seats to the $47 seats directly behind home plate (and the players’ wives) for free, TAKE IT! I could read the names on the back of the players’ jerseys. And we were sitting behind the players’ wives. It almost made watching a Twins loss bearable.

It’s just tough with the Dome half full of Brewers fans making more noise than the Twins fans. I guess it’s no different than when Shauna and I followed the team to Milwaukee two years ago and the Minnesota contingent blew the (retractable) roof off Miller Field, winning 2 of 3 games.

*Anonymous = Shauna.

EDIT: Shauna claims she was joking. The “webmaster” may even take this post down.