Pickles & Dimes

A few weeks ago at work, they started providing us with free snacks: Cheetos, Milano cookies, Nutter Butters, Chips Ahoy, Oreos, and my personal addiction favorite, mini Ritz Peanut Butter Crackers.

Every morning, my office mate and I would hoard the good stuff for later because come lunchtime, it was every man for themselves.

All was good. Free snacks! They made me almost forgive Workplace for taking away our Half-day Fridays (almost).

And then things went horribly wrong. First, the Cheetos were replaced by Baked Cheetos. Which my office mate said were good “only if you don’t mind missing the taste of Cheetos.”

Then my peanut butter crackers went AWOL. And the Oreos never again showed their creamy-filled faces. And then the snack tray disappeared altogether.

In memoriam, I demonstrate my grand displeasure with this unfortunate turn of events in the form of haiku:

Please, peanut butter!
come back and bring your cracker
buddies with you, too.

I don’t miss Cheetos
especially the baked ones;
my tastebuds cried – lots

Hey work: first you sell
the pool table and then you
withhold the snacks? Jerks.

If you are not looking for posts about cats, poop or cat poop, you may divert your eyes from this post and read more about Shauna’s “Goofy Google searches.” If you are looking for a post about the above subjects, have I got something to tell you…

This morning, like every other morning this week I crawled out of bed at 5:00 a.m. to get to work by 6:00 a.m. It’s been crazy lately, and it will be nice to cut back on the 11 1/2 to 12-hour days. Wait; I’m getting off track.

Like every morning I headed downstairs to check the litterboxes and empty any “deposits” that may have appeared overnight. By the dim lighting, I had no idea what was in store for me. Not only did it smell less than fresh down there, it was downright ripe. One of the cats must have spooked the other and gave chase, because the deposits were not only in the litterbox, but next to it, throughout the living room and upstairs on the hardwood floor. Racing stripes were left on the carpet throughout the basement living room, telling the tale of said chase.

Luckily, at 5:05 a.m. Shauna was a great sport about it, much better than when I wake her before 10:00 a.m. on the weekends. She came right downstairs and handled most of the cleaning duties. Hopefully she was able to get a little more sleep once she got back upstairs, before her alarm went off. I, on the other hand, trekked in to work with the smell still lingering in my nostrils, sporting the tell-tale sign of not having a normal morning to prepare for work: a two-day shadow.

Once again, I humbly present the wacky and weird (and just plain HUH?) searches that people used to end up on this site.

“rockstar supernova maplewood myth reviews”

The big winner with 12 searches. It’s a cool club where we saw a cool concert only after the ill-prepared nightclub staff made us wait 30 extra minutes in below-zero temperatures. But the Myth has a nice floor to sit on while you’re trying not to puke from the stabbing pain your nearly frostbitten feet emit as they thaw out. Not that I would know this personally, of course.

“kraft egg noodle dinner”

There were 7 searches for this. Once again, Kraft Egg Noodle Dinner is now called Kraft Noodle Classics and it is the same thing. And it’s still awesome. You can buy it at Festival Foods (if you have one near you), or order it online from here.

“two second rule car”

This is an urban legend. Supposedly, if you follow this guideline lives will be saved, but if you try this in Minneapolis, seventeen cars will wedge themselves into that space. In two seconds.

“atomic shopping – carmela”

Best shopping show ever. It’s fun to bet Jason how long it will take Carmela to slap Steve upside the head for constantly interrupting her. Also, I like to watch because Carmela’s hairstyle is never the same.

“pickles that are perky” and “pickles addictive”

Perky pickles? Seriously? Am I missing something here – is this a desirable trait? And do people need to go to counseling for a “pickles” addiction? Or are these double entendres? Oh, I get it now. You people are naughty.

“seinfeld bobbleheads”

We don’t have any Seinfeld bobbleheads, but we do have:

- Jenna Jameson, because we are classy
- Dwight Schrute from The Office, because he is awesome
- The Twins mascot, for obvious reasons
- Former Twins great Bert Blyleven, wearing gear from the ill-fated Victory Sports Network, because we like to make fun of Carl Pohlad’s bad business decisions whenever possible, and
- Three (3) Jacque Jones bobbleheads that we have inexplicably accumulated over the years, because we are quietly forming an Army of Former Twins Players with French Names.

“twisted sister christmas concert review”

This would be Jason’s area of expertise, although it’s not a bad album and I was surprised to realize that “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” and “We’re Not Gonna Take It” have the same melody.

“rodents eating potatoes in our garage”

Maybe you shouldn’t leave your potatoes in the garage, right next to open jars of peanut butter.

“he looked cute in my dress”

Wow, I’m not sure how this person ended up on the site with this search, but good for them, I guess? I can’t tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

“humans eating dcon”

I’m no expert, but I would guess this isn’t a good idea. Unless they can somehow serve it as the main ingredient on Iron Chef – with annoying celebrities as the judges.

On Saturday I was supposed to meet up with a friend and either go to a bar and watch a band play, or hang out and find something fun and constructive to do. Unfortunately, we got dumped on with another 20 inches of snow on Thursday and Friday, so I guess golfing was out of the question.

The next best thing to being out in the sun on a golf course? That would be hanging out at a bar all afternoon playing Golden Tee video golf.

Instead of going to watch the band play, Shauna met us for dinner and we were going to play some pool. But considering we all spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday morning shoveling snow, we all agreed we were too tired to even lift a pool cue. That’s sad.

What isn’t sad is getting a second wind at home sometime around 10:30 p.m. and beating Shauna 3 straight games in darts. We won’t talk about how I did in foosball though.