Pickles & Dimes

It’s that time again. Time to review the list of searched keywords people used to end up on this site.

Once again the winner is (with numerous searches):

“Kraft Egg Noodle Dinner”

Yes. Apparently I am not the only soul who is determined to taste again this delectable dish, as evidenced by the other search variations of “Chicken with Egg Noodle Dinner Kraft” and “Chicken with Egg Noodle Dinner Kraft Brown Box.”

I bet somewhere there is evidence of my own escalating search frustration, something like “Egg Noodle Dinner Where Are You Hiding It Kraft Because I KNOW You Still Make It You Evil Noodle-Hoarding Bastards.”

So I am going to do the entire WORLD a favor and tell you where my friend Michelle claims you can find it: at participating Festival Foods. Where the sneaky marketing people now call it “Kraft Noodle Classic Savory Chicken.” I’ll need to make a visit to see if she’s correct, and if she’s not, there will be tears. Hers AND mine.

Supposedly, you can also find it online here: Finally: sweet, sweet redemption

If anyone orders some, let me know if it’s the same.

Oh, and you’re welcome.

“Goldfish are nibbling each other”

Hmmm…I sympathize. There is nothing quite as distressing as looking over at your serene aquarium to see one of your Buck McLargeHuge goldfish nonchalantly noshing on his tank mate’s tail. However, ours only feast on fish that are already dying or on brand-new snails that were purchased solely to keep the tank looking halfway decent because said goldfish are filthy, filthy creatures. So I can’t help you there.

“Photoshop mastheads”

I do my own mastheads and am self-taught, so you’re best off looking elsewhere for expert advice. For your own sake.

“Battling mice”

After having to empty our traps almost daily for weeks, we had the unpleasant experience of just finding a mouse head in one of the traps, as well as the hideous discovery of a live mole. But lately, we haven’t seen a mouse in our garage. I fear they are plotting.

“Strips on algae eater as age”

I’m guessing this person meant “stripes” instead of “strips.” Unless there’s some weird fetish out there involving aquatic pole dancing. Anyway, we’ve had our last three algae eaters die on us – all within the last month – so obviously something is wrong with our water and we’re no help to you. Either that or our goldfish are murderers.

“Dimes template”

I’m hoping this person wasn’t searching for a template to make their own counterfeit coins.

“What happens to a mouse with d-con”

I’ll tell you want happens: you put D-Con in your garage and the mice take the pellets and store them in your fiance’s winter boots, your folding chairs and your golf bags, where they won’t be discovered for many, many months. Then the mice ingest the D-Con and find an undisclosed location in your garage to expire.

For awhile last week at work, I thought I was going crazy. Actual, medication-needing n-u-t-s.

Not because work was crazybusy, which it was, but because I was freezing. To be more specific, only a certain part of me was freezing: my right hand.

Inexplicably, I could feel a draft that somehow only affected a certain spot on my desk. I figured there was a draft originating from somewhere, but the usage of work hours to inspect the ceiling directly above me detected no such source.

After finally updating an independent coworker about this conundrum, we concluded that the source of the draft was a ceiling vent located many, many feet away on the opposite side of the room.

Using highly scientific extrapolation of airflow data, the accompanying visual shows the airflow’s path from start to finish (any resemblance to a monogram from “Laverne & Shirley” is purely coincidental).

As you can see, the airflow is directed only to a certain area of my desk; namely, my mouse.

I’d write to Apple to demand they do something about this, like make a heated mouse or something, but someone turned up the thermostat today and it is currently 147 degrees in here.

I know Shauna briefly mentioned Atomic Shopping in the previous post, but since it has taken on a mythical status at our home, it’s time to share it with the masses.

Its concept is simple: an item goes up for bid on TV and the internet; they will show you its typical retail price and their starting price. As people call in or bid online, the price of said item decreases. That’s right, it DECREASES! When you bid on the item, you are just securing it for yourself. Once the auction is complete, you get the item at its lowest sale price. On TV, the auctions last six minutes. On the internet, they last the entire day, or until they run out of stock.

Not only is Atomic Shopping on three times a week on cable access, you can also visit it at atomicshopping.com. Watching your hosts on TV is as “entertaining” as any other cable access show. Carmela does her best to sell you the product, describing it in excruciating detail, while sidekick Steve cracks wise. You may recognize Steve from Minnesota’s own “Let’s Bowl,” formerly on Comedy Central. Considering “Let’s Bowl” was typically on late on weekends, when one may be getting home from the bar, you may not remember him.

Today’s featured item on the website is a two-cup coffee maker. It retails at $59.99 and its current price is down to $18.15. Now, Shauna and I don’t drink coffee, not a drop. But at that price Shauna might find herself getting one for her birthday in less than two months. I’ve also got my eye on a digital camera that is up for sale on Thursday. At work, I do business with the company that warehouses the product waiting to be sold, and the studio where they tape the show is a mere three miles from our home. We need to get the inside scoop on upcoming items up for bid.

Our family and friends can expect every Christmas gift to be purchased from Atomic Shopping this year, whether it’s a useful item or not. Plus, how can you beat a cheesy, cable access, home-shopping show or buying crap on the internet?

The Amazing Jonathan.

Hearing the ECW announcer say, “That’s not how a man wants to land on a turnbuckle.”

Every episode of “Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe” on the Discovery Channel.

Any mention of “The Rural Juror” on “30 Rock.”

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