Pickles & Dimes

I have to confess something.

I enjoy watching professional wrestling.

Stop laughing. I have my reasons.

The first reason is that one of my junior-high classmate’s fathers looked exactly like Hulk Hogan.

The second is that my aunt and cousin once took me to a match where I experienced the pleasure of booing at Bobby “The Brain” Heenan without even realizing why I should hate him.

The third is that Jason used to be a wrestler in school and once had the privilege of hanging out with Brock Lesnar.

The fourth is that wrestling is essentially a soap opera for the testosterone-filled set. Much like the evil twin or amnesia plotlines of daytime soaps, you can practically predict the “Who’s turning heel now?” twist.

The fifth and most important reason is this:

And this:

That’s Batista. He is AWESOME.

Ahem. Anyway, Jason and I watch wrestling and poke fun at the announcers’ overreactions to everything, the wrestlers’ laughable mic skills, and the evident “surprises” that occur during every match: “What, the ref wasn’t looking? How could THAT happen? Oh, he was distracted by Lita’s boobs? Mm-hmm. Now I understand.”

But as goofy as the WWE can be and as much as people like to make fun of it, you can’t deny that their marketing department is one of the best. For one of their Pay-Per-Views, they used wrestlers to spoof movies such as Braveheart, Taxi Driver, and Basic Instinct:

Sweet.

Also, the new WWE magazine is pretty interesting. Jason sometimes picks it up (I usually demand he buy it, because: Batista).

The latest issue features another marketing gem. It’s a game of Bingo, to be played while watching WWE. If something wrestling-related happens that’s on your card, you mark it. Here’s my favorite items:

- Handlebar moustache sighting
- Beer tossed into ring
- Jerk behind announcer mugs for camera
- Superstar enters ring looking sweaty
- Catfight!
- Fan sign misspelling
- Commentator says, “OH MY GOD!”
- Fan with mullet spotted
- Sequined outfit
- Hairy chest
- Ref misses cheap shot
- Superstar refers to self in third person
- Midget attack
- Smeared face paint
- Meddling manager intervention
- Liquid is spewed into air
- Match ends in less than 60 seconds
- Zubaz!

Kudos. How I wish I could work for them.