Catatonia
We love our cats. We really do. They’re fuzzy, clean and give great head butts. They don’t judge, they greet us at the door and they generally serve as a source of great entertainment and joy.
How. Ever.
They are becoming increasingly obnoxious at night. To the point that Jason and I are getting about four hours of sleep. Note: these four hours are not consecutive. It’s not all night, just any time between the hours of 1:30 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. You never know when your dream of getting an old family recipe for lasagna from Sharon Stone is going to be rudely interrupted by a fuzzy demon hell-bent on receiving her morning allotment of tuna-flavored heart-shaped kernels. (Which are relatively flavorless, by the way, not that I would ever know.)
As you might imagine, this lack of quality R.E.M. is interfering with our daily lives, especially in the areas of: Not Falling Asleep While at Work, and Not Killing Each Other While in a Sleep-Deprived Haze.
We’ve tried the whole “close the door and try to ignore the incessant pawing and scratching and whining and dear GOD, just open the door again already because my mind is LOST” method, but we both value our remaining shreds of sanity, so that option is not viable.
The cats, for all their endearing qualities, lack two very vital characteristics:
1) the ability to ascertain the appropriate time of day and/or night to beg for food (they tend to forget that they have never, ever EVER been fed at 3:30 a.m.) and
2) the ability to have a memory span longer than 9 seconds, which is the approximate amount of time we get in between each and every occurrence of jumping, pawing, whining, falling, scratching, head butting, meowing, and/or batting at the window shades in their near-successful attempts to drive us to CrazyTown.
So here is our solution: anyone who wishes to adopt these two freaks of nature is more than welcome to them. The caveat? You are their owner from the hours of 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. only. Because, you know, they’re OK the rest of the time.
It’s perfect. You get to be entertained during the usually boring night/early morning hours, the cats get to be their active, conniving selves, and Jason and I get some actual sleep that prevents us from inflicting bodily harm on anyone.
It’s win-win, really.
I have one word for you….kids!!! Just wait, the cats will seem like a faint small annoyance when the baby screams at you for over an hour straight even after you fed the thing, gassed it and checked for the aromatic bomb in the back end. Then after the baby proceeds to puke on you from crying so long, you have to get up and take a shower because the stench of stale milk and green vegtables is so overwhelming when you are trying not to think about it. Finally you settle the baby down but you are wide awake! Just as you are drifiting off to la-la land the little darling shatters the peaceful night air with screams so loud your cats will actually run and hide. At that point you will be in such a tired stupor you hurl the kid at your “supposedly” sleeping significant other and then you will get into a yelling match over who gets to be up with baby. All hope of sleep will be lost for years. Around 2-3 years of age the kid will finally sleep enough so that you can string together at least a few hours of sleep, but you sleep lightly in case he/she wakes up (don’t hope for any of that REM sleep that everyone raves about). And just when you get the hang of it and you think that it isn’t so bad…the next baby arrives and the cycle starts again. So enjoy your sleep tonight and even your cats, of course if they drive you insane you can always call me. I’ll be up-yelling at my husband.
Comment by Rachelle — November 27, 2006 @ 9:32 pm
WOW! Rachelle makes a good point. Who are we to complain.
Great response!
Comment by Jason — November 27, 2006 @ 10:13 pm
Hang in there – it gets a little better with time. Kabuki is 19 and is down to waking us up only once, which starts at about 5 AM. Prior to that she would jump onto our dressers and bat around anything that could possibly move with the swipe of a paw. So…how old are Abby and Sunny? Remember, it will be better when they are 19!
Comment by Becky — November 28, 2006 @ 7:35 am
Rachelle, you are so right. We’ll just have to think of this as training for when we have kids!
Becky, we’ve got quite a ways to go until they’re 19! Abby has another 8 years and Sunny has 17! Yikes!
Comment by Shauna — November 28, 2006 @ 10:14 am
Hey guys,
Microwaves work too but that’s a one time solution. I don’t think that sending them to me every night is a solution due to the commute.
It’s merowme from LJ. You always could lock them in a room of their own to destroy. Or drug them with something for the evenings. You could squirt them with waterbottles when they wake you up or rattle cans or hit them with rolled up socks. Or get a dog like I have that will chase them out of the room when I say “GitEm”
Like the new page but I’m going to miss you Shiveringwarmth.
( Even though I haven’t been around lately.
Comment by Christine — November 29, 2006 @ 6:23 am