Traffic Elimination Center® – Vol. 5
A Public Service Announcement from the Traffic Elimination Center®
I drive a stretch of freeway on my way from work. This stretch is known as Interstate 94. It is wide, with four lanes of traffic. Even during rush hour, unless there is an accident, traffic flows pretty freely.
But there is a phenomenon I have recently unhappily discovered that I wish to warn you about.
Everyone knows that the left lane of a freeway is frequently known as “the hammer lane.” This means that if you are in this lane, you are expected to put “the hammer” down and drive faster than the traffic in the other lanes. It also means if you do not do so, I reserve the right to visualize hammering you in the skull.
Anyway, when I merge onto 94, I am in the far right lane. I have to immediately merge one lane to the left because my lane ends at the next exit. This is usually not a problem.
So typically, I am in the fourth lane (the far right lane) after merging. The speed limit on Interstate 94 is 60 MPH.
Sixty. Six-zero.
Like I said previously, unless there is an accident, traffic is usually free-flowing.
But recently, it has been neither free nor flowing. If I am unable to get over to the hammer lane, I am finding myself going 50 MPH in the right lane.
50 MPH. That is totally unacceptable to me.
(Aside: know what’s really cool, though? Blowing by people when you’re doing 65 MPH and having it look like you’re doing warp speed, when YOU’RE BARELY GOING OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.)
Anyway. I do not understand the logic behind these people purposely traveling 10 MPH below the speed limit. (Also, I do not believe that crap about getting better gas mileage by traveling slower, but that is another matter.)
These people have 18 car lengths of wide-open space in front of them. What is their deal?
Well, allow me to tell you. I have solved this mystery and feel it is my duty as a traffic elimination seeker to let you in on the Department of Transportation’s dirty little secret.
Oh, yes. That’s right. The DOT. Forget FEMA. Forget President Bush. Even forget Kevin Federline as your scapegoat/villain of choice.
You should be worrying about the DOT. And here’s why:
I believe they hire individuals for the sole purpose of driving slower, in an attempt to keep traffic speeds reasonable.
I think DOT officials go from nursing homes to bingo halls to early-bird dinner specials and recruit senior citizens for this nefarious plot. I don’t even know if they offer payment; perhaps the lure of a free shrimp dinner or the promise of fresh air on their neck as they motor down the freeway going a blistering 50 MPH is enough. Who knows?
I just know that people are somehow being employed to position themselves strategically on the freeways in order to SLOW TRAFFIC DOWN FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.
They’re even in the hammer lane, my friends. Imagine.
This practice must be stopped! Alert your friends. Talk to your elders. Encourage them to demonstrate acceptable old-people habits, like watching Wheel of Fortune®, eating liver and onions, or knitting toilet paper cozies.
But! It’s not only the senior citizens. The DOT has expanded their employee pool to include people of all ages. We must prevent this – no one is immune! Warn everyone that the incentives of extra cell phone minutes, shiny hubcaps, free cigarettes or a chance to drive a new Jetta just isn’t worth it.
They’re betraying their fellow motorists. And themselves. And the DOT won’t stop. For the love of God, don’t allow people to be the DOT’s ignorant pawns!
Thank you.
*This message paid for by the Traffic Elimination Center and AARP
