Pickles & Dimes

A Public Service Announcement from the Traffic Elimination Center®

I drive a stretch of freeway on my way from work. This stretch is known as Interstate 94. It is wide, with four lanes of traffic. Even during rush hour, unless there is an accident, traffic flows pretty freely.

But there is a phenomenon I have recently unhappily discovered that I wish to warn you about. (more…)

Dear Sonic® and Dave & Buster’s®,

I see advertisements for your places of business all the time. You appear to both be eating establishments. I wish to dine with you. I especially would like to take advantage of Sonic’s Vanilla Slush®. Or perhaps the tempting Sonic® Bacon Cheeseburger. No, no – a Coney! With bacon, chili and cheese! YES! That is what I will order – for here, please. I want to experience the dine-in atmosphere.

And you, Dave & Buster’s, I would enjoy very much the opportunity to indulge in some noshing and imbibing and game-playing. You have billiards. And shuffleboard!!! Do you know how awesome it would be to play shuffleboard while eating your Jack Daniels® BBQ ribs?

But I cannot do so. Do you know why?

Because neither of you are ANYWHERE NEAR MY FREAKING GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION.

Why do you advertise on my local channels? Do you think I am going to drive 223 miles to Sonic or 398 miles to Dave & Buster’s, spending $3.09 per gallon for the sole purpose of visiting your establishments and peeing in your toilets?

No, I am not.

I am going to dine at Buffalo Wild Wings® instead. They have 18 locations in Minnesota alone.

Jerks.

Sincerely,
Me

I saw you at the Adoption Center at PetSmart. All the other cats were caterwauling hysterically or jumping at us through their cages, but not you. You were sitting quiet and straight, your big green eyes on us. We were enthralled, but weren’t looking to adopt.

At home, four hours later, I turned to Jason and said firmly, “I want that cat.” (more…)

The ad said simply: “Free to good home – part Siamese/tabby mix.”

I wasn’t allowed to keep a cat in my apartment at the time, but that didn’t stop me.

One look at you and I was mesmerized by your beautiful, big blue eyes.

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